The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @amazon.com.

Chasity, is that your name?

Yes.

You’re having problems with your three-year-old?

Yes, I have a three-year-old that is raging and just very angry, with a lot of anger problems. He says, “I hate you,” and is being mean to kids at daycare.

Okay, is this a new problem? Is this a boy or a girl?

It's a boy.

It's a boy. Can you give me a brief summary of the history?

Well, I think he has a dad that's kind of in and out of his life due to addiction, and so I'm kind of wondering if it's from that and what I can do to help him work through the anger.

Okay? Anger is the emotion that says, “It's not fair.” So when you have a three-year-old, they don't have the ability that an adult has to fully express what's not fair, but they can still say, “Joey took my toy” or “Daddy's not here. Where's Daddy?” It's not fair. The kids are teasing me at school. It’s not fair.

So what do you suspect is going on? What do you think might be going through your son's mind that is triggering the emotion of not just a mild, “Oh, it's not fair,” but a huge, “It's not fair”?

Maybe just, I don't know, being left out. I see it a lot because his dad was around for the first two years of his life consistently, and about the last year he’s been gone from seeing him all the time to seeing him once a month maybe.

Okay. What does he say? What does your son say about that?

Does he express anything about that? I mean, does he say, “Where's Daddy? Can't I see Daddy?”

Yes, he asks where he's at and if he loves him. He tells me he loves me a lot. I think he's just looking for a lot of reassurance.

I just don't know what to do with the anger because it's really not even controllable when he gets mad.

Okay, tell me what he does.

Well, first, let’s talk about the reassurance. I think that's a really important point. When any of us feel insecure—when you feel insecure, maybe at work or even with parenting—it's nice to have somebody just pat you on the back and recognize the good things you're doing.

If you can work with him and help him develop his mind, whether it's with reading or just playing with him, if he gets that attentiveness from you, he may be able to break that pattern a little bit, or at least put a beginning dent in it, so that he isn't being heavy on you. Meaning, “Mom, do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me?”

I mean, when kids do that, the parents want to push them away. “Of course I love you! What are you doing? Don’t keep being so needy!”

But it sounds like he could use extra hugs.

Yeah, go ahead.

No, go ahead.

Oh, and the second part: what triggers his rage? Because that’s the word you used. He was raging.

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Oh, and the second part: what triggers his rage? Because that’s the word you usually used. He was raging.

Just anything. When we take him to daycare in the morning, he screams. She informed me today that he’s saying the F word to her and “I hate you.” He does this little intimidating move where he moves his head in a really intimidating way at you and makes his eyes big, trying to get you to flinch.

When you tell him no, he just goes over the edge and starts screaming, “I hate you.”

So the “no” is the trigger. He's got something going on, and he'll start screaming, he’ll start swearing, and he’ll push people away. Is he doing this to the teacher or to other kids?

He’s been taking toys away from other kids at daycare. He’s been doing it to the daycare lady the last few days. She said that maybe she thought it would get better, and it was just a phase, but it’s getting really bad.

Yeah, you want to be careful with that phrase, “It’s just a phase.” I'm not saying you, because she’s the one that said it to you. You want to deal with the actual cause.

If he's screaming, the first thing that I would wonder is, where’s he learning this? Where did he learn the F word? You know, he’s a three-year-old kid.

I know.

And what about “I hate you”? Where is he hearing it from? Are other kids in the daycare bringing this in? Are they taunting him? Is this something that you're not seeing at daycare? Is it possible that he was hurt or even physically or sexually abused? I mean, you want to rule that out. Is that a possibility at all?

Okay?

I don't think it's a possibility.

Okay, if you don’t suspect it, I don’t want you to go hunting for it. It’s just that when you get a lot of anger and a lot of rage and the F word, I want to find the source. I might just sit with him and inquire. It’s very hard for the parent to do this, but you know, if you can do this at all, you know, “Where did you learn that word? I'm curious,” as opposed to, “I never want to hear you say that again.” Then you'll never find out where he learned it. But yeah, where’d you learn this word?

Like, I have older kids too, so there are a lot of kids.

Oh, how many kids? I should have asked you that at the beginning. How many kids in the house?

Three.

Three. How old are the others?

11, 9, and 9, and then him, and he’s three.

Okay, so he could have picked it up from them. You also want to look at the dynamics with the other kids. Is their father in their life, or is it the same dad?

It's the same dad.

It's the same dad. So they all might be struggling. You may ask them what they've observed in terms of skills.

With just down to the last 20 seconds here, I would get the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. I consider that the gold standard. You can go to my website, DrKenner.com, and it will teach you methods of how to draw him out so he'll talk more.

How to tell him to express his anger in a drawing instead of screaming. You know, when you're really angry, talk to your sister. If you're angry with her, tell me what’s bothering you in words rather than screaming. Help give him the skills.

Listen. Thank you so much for your call.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Please listen to this excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner. The ability to compromise is essential when you become parents. The significant responsibility of caring for children throughout their growing years requires that partners have excellent communication skills, including methods of fairly dividing up child-rearing responsibilities. Otherwise, misunderstandings grow, small slights ignite large fires, and the soulmate relationship perishes.

Wall Street Journal writer Sue Schellenbarger reported on this phenomenon in a 2004 article titled “And Baby Makes Stress: Why Kids Are a Growing Obstacle to Marital Bliss.” Three reasons cited included debt, overspending on the baby, confusion over roles (who should be the stay-at-home parent and who is the breadwinner), and the inability of partners to talk without fighting.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.