The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Summary

A heartfelt exploration of self-doubt and stage presence. In this episode, a singer opens up about feeling unexciting on stage and struggling to connect with audiences. We discuss how practice leads to confidence, authenticity, and emotional engagement, which can turn a ?dull? performance into a captivating one.



Transcript

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @amazon.com.

Here is a question I received from Shannon, and if you've ever had performance anxiety, you're afraid to be on stage or speak at a family wedding or event when someone says, ?Hey, why don't you say something about the groom,? and you freeze. How do you deal with performance anxiety?

Here is someone who's suffering from it:

Hello, Dr. Kenner, this may seem like a small problem, but it's not for me. I'm 20 years old and the female vocalist in a band. I have always had anxiety for performances, speeches, anything. I am not afraid of messing up or having worries about what people will think or anything like that. My current problem is that I have no stage presence, or what they call ?rock out.? I just stand there like a dud when I sing. I love singing, but I can't avoid locking up when I'm on stage. I want to be able to shake, rattle and roll.

My bandmates get upset with me when I sing and I don't move at all. I have considered drinking to loosen up, but I'm not allowed to drink at the venues we play at for several more months when I'm of legal age. Help me with some advice or tips leading to a solution. Thank you very much, Shannon.

Shannon, go back to your earliest memories. You said that you've had this forever. So go back to your earliest memories of when you felt like you had performance anxiety. I can remember when I was a kid going to a classy resort with my parents and Nipsey Russell, who was a very popular entertainer at the time, asked everyone in the audience, ?Who would like to come up and dance with me?? And I felt that lock-up. I felt frozen in my body because, as a kid, I knew my father, who loves being in the limelight ? the spotlight ? was going to have our whole family up on stage. And I wanted to slither under the table.

And so that's one of my earliest memories of my own stage fright or performance anxiety. And you want to ask yourself: When did you first feel that fear? Because if you feel forced against your will, you will have anxiety. That's your own mind telling you, ?Honey, this is not something you voluntarily want to do. You feel like you're pushed to do it from outside.?

So one of the things you can do for yourself is look at your earliest memories.

Also, a second thing you can do is look at what you say to yourself before you go on stage to sing in the band. If you say to yourself: ?Oh man, I've got to shake, I've got to move my arms, I've got to move my feet, I have to rock to the rhythm?? If you have all of that self-talk where you have the ?should,? ?got to,? ?ought to,? ?must,? ?have to? ? you're trying to force yourself, and you will feel at war with yourself. The little voice inside of you that says, ?Hey man, I like moving to the music like a little kid would move to the music,? can?t even be heard among all of those loud voices saying, ?You have to! You should! You've got to!?

And of course, if you have your bandmates also saying, ?You have to move! You've got to move! You can't just freeze there!? ? yeah, that isn?t good motivation. You need to tap within yourself that ?I want to? feeling ? that kid feeling of wanting to do it for yourself.

That is not an easy skill to learn. How do you learn that?

Well, number one ? hey, I?ve got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance.
?I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship.?
?Well, I wish I knew more about what I want.?
Where's that ad I saw? Here it is:

?The Selfish Path to Romance? ? a serious romance guidebook.
Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com.

Huh. ?The Selfish Path to Romance.? That is interesting.

That is not an easy skill to learn. How do you learn that?

Well, number one is winning the battle of the self-talk ? being able to talk back to those ?should? views. ?You should do this?? and instead say, ?Hey listen, I want to be able to sing and feel uninhibited on stage, and I don't want the solution to be alcohol, because that only worsens with time.? So that's out as a solution. You want a rational coping strategy.

So number one, you could get some cognitive therapy and learn how ? or go to my website, DrKenner.com, and get the book Mind Over Mood and learn how to deal with negative thoughts that you're having and encourage the positive ones ? the pro-you thoughts. That's a lifetime skill that you can give yourself.

Number two, you need skills. You need to be able to practice in public ? I mean, not practice in public, but practice on your own in private, maybe even getting some coaches on how to move. It's not known how to move ? little kids move freely to the music. But adults pay tons of money to learn how to shake, rattle and roll ? how to move their hips, how to move their arms more gracefully or fluidly, or how to get some funky beat going. That's something that?s a learnable skill ? if you do it for yourself. If you truly want that ability.

I want that ability for myself, and I?ve gone to dance classes to learn it. And I also go to Zumba classes. Zumba is an aerobics dance activity that's very popular, and my Zumba teacher has a theme: ?If you screw up, who cares?? She throws arms up in the air. So it liberates all of us to just have fun ? shake, rattle and roll like we've never done in our lives. And that's a lot of fun.

So you could practice on your own, practice with ? or get ? a little coach to help you out and practice enough so you have the skills so that when you get on stage, it isn't a shock. You don't have that shock value. And don't beat up on yourself if you lock up. Say, ?Okay, today I locked up. Big deal. Maybe I'll shake a little tomorrow ? for myself.? Shake, rattle and roll for yourself.

And so I wish you a lot of playfulness on stage, if you want it.

And here?s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Here is a question I received from Joey. See what you think about this:

Hi Ellen, I am in love with my girlfriend Janine. I'm 50 years old, and I think this is the first time I've actually been in love. She's in love with me and she says she?ll love me forever. She gets upset when I point out a flaw in her thinking. To say one will love another forever is to make the claim to be omniscient. I don't tell her I will love her forever, and she has a problem with that.

She fears that if another better woman comes along, that I will change partners. She thinks that a rational person would be looking to improve their life, and if a better partner came along, they would upgrade. My point is that partners need to continue to be good traders on an ongoing basis ? on an ongoing basis ? to continue to build a good relationship. If I start to neglect the relationship, or she neglects it, we will fall out of love with each other.

The bigger issue is her questioning me when I say ?I love you.? She says, or thinks to herself, ?Yeah, for today, but what about tomorrow?? Any help would be appreciated. Thanks, Joey.

Joey, you're playing with something figuratively. You're taking that idea that ?I will love you forever.? If my husband said ?I will love you forever,? I know that what he means is: ?Given the context of my current knowledge about your character and given my current feelings for you, I can't picture them changing. I love you forever.?

There is a caveat, though. There's small print that says, ?Honey, if you change ? if you become a bad woman, if you have a bad character, or if we grow in different directions, or if you lie, cheat, steal ? I'm not going to love you.? That's assumed.

So I would not worry about that ?I will love you forever.? You can liberate yourself to say that if you feel comfortable knowing that you're not going to switch partners. You're not going to give ? people do upgrade when they're in very bad relationships. When they allow a relationship to get too close and not work on their own relationships, you don't want to do that.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad.

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Rejection comes in all forms, from subtle to shocking. You may feel rejected the first time you meet someone when you see signs of disappointment in the person's face. You may have been stood up. You may have been dumped at the end of a long-term relationship or been divorced several times. Some hurt is unavoidable, but knowing that you are, in principle, lovable is the antidote.

When you have the right perspective on your own life and on the goal of finding your soulmate, rejection hurts less. What you say to yourself when you're rejected is critical. Your inner thoughts are based on your fundamental ideas about yourself, romance, and life in general.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.