The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

In The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. This is from Melinda. See what you think about this and put your mind in its thinking gear. What advice would you want to give her? Pretend that you're one of her daughters or her fiancé.

Dear Dr. Kenner, I'm a 33-year-old mom of two good girls. Now, her girls are probably in their teens now. One of them is at least 19. She said, I have a great fiancé. I had one of my daughters at age 14, but I still managed to achieve a career as a registered nurse. My problem is that I'm always unhappy. I seem to blow up over stupid things. Sometimes I start an argument with my poor fiancé just to feel good and vent my unhappiness. I hold grudges easily. I have frequent mood swings. I can be mad for days or give someone the silent treatment without a care. I don't want to live like this. Do you have any advice?

Melinda, Melinda, I have lots of advice. And the first is, if I imagine myself as your fiancé, there are things that I love about you, because otherwise I wouldn't be your fiancé. I wouldn't have continued dating you. I would have ditched you after our first date. Or if I think of your girls, you have a 19-year-old, you probably have another teenager, and I think of what a mom I have. You know, she raised me at the age of 14, way too young to be bearing children, and she still was able to go out and get a career for herself. You know, there are things to admire about my mom. If I were one of your daughters, I would say, you know, there's a lot good in my mom. I hate it when she gives me the silent treatment. And she can be mad for days, and she holds grudges. I can do something little, and she gets so upset she's not able to keep a sense of proportion.

So the advice, if I were your daughter, I would say, Hey?

I?ve got to interrupt this because we?ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that?s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

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So the advice, if I were your daughter, I would say, Mom, learn how to relax. That might be the simple terms. Or your fiancé?will you value yourself? Will you see the good in yourself? And I think that?s where it needs to begin. I think when people have this chronic unhappiness, first, you need to identify: Why am I always unhappy?

You?ve got several emotions. You?ve got that you?re unhappy and that you?re angry. You blow up. Let?s just take those two. The fact that you?re unhappy means that you?re not achieving your personal values, or at least not in some important areas. So you do want to identify what those areas are. And they may be character values, and obviously one of them is you don?t want to live with this very negative attitude in life, and you want to change that.

Well, change is possible. So if you could translate your unhappiness into words, let it speak. Sit down with paper and a pen and just, uncensored, let that unhappiness talk. You will hit some profound emotions. That?s good.

You can also see a therapist who could help you with this. You could go to my website?there?s a link to the Cognitive Therapy website. Or you could go directly there: AcademyofCT.org. My website is DrKenner.com, d-r-k-e-n-n-e-r.com.

But when you?re feeling that unhappiness, you want to start looking for a life preserver, which is the values, the goodies in life?your two girls, your great fiancé.

Why do you get angry over stupid things? Well, that?s obviously the tip of the iceberg. You recognize them as stupid. You don?t want them to affect you the way they do. And your old coping strategy was spewing. You would just spew on people to, in quotes, ?feel good.? You?d yell. You?d get angry at your fiancé, you?d get angry at your kids.

You need to get under that anger and find out what you feel is not fair. Big-time not fair. Maybe having a kid at the age of 14 has been something you?ve been carrying for a long time, and you need to process that in therapy.

You do need to know that change is possible. First, you need to recognize the pattern and to know why it?s there. To understand it without beating up on yourself?like a scientist?and to figure out how to change it. You learn better coping strategies, and then you practice them. And have your fiancé give you some supportive feedback too.

There?s a book, Changing For Good, on my website: DrKenner.com.

I?m Dr. Ellen Kenner on The Rational Basis of Happiness.

And here?s a little more from Dr. Kenner. You know, you think of growing up and how your parents raised you, and you wish you could go back in time and give them some advice to tweak the knowledge that they had and to say, Hey Mom, don?t give me the silent treatment. Or Hey Dad, when you scream at me, I can?t even hear what you?re telling me. All I hear is the screaming. And I feel bad.

If you wish you could go back in time and change what happened to you, think again. Maybe you can, if you change your own thinking. You can?t go back in time obviously, but you can change your ideas and even change patterns with your own children. If you yourself have children now and you hear yourself saying, Oh my God, I sound just like my mother. Or, Oh man, I sound like my dad. I hate it. I don?t know how to stop it.

You want to be able to get thinking skills. Now, what are thinking skills and how can you get them? And where do they apply?

I?ll take the last question first. Where do they apply? Everywhere in your life. Whether you?re just planning your day, or whether you have a business that you want to grow or rescue, or whether you have a family member you?re having difficulty communicating with and it?s been chronic?it?s been going on for years. Or you procrastinate and you don?t know how to fix that. You don?t even know where to begin. Or if change is possible.

Your own premise about change is very important. If you think change is not possible, how much effort do you put into it? None. None. If I think that I can?t change the weather, I?m not going to sit here thinking about how to do it. That?d be silly.

So if you conclude about yourself erroneously that you can?t change something that?s actually changeable?such as a bad temper, or procrastinating, or not having any career focus or goal?you want to be able to gain the skills to think. To think better. To think rationally. To think clearly. And there are skills?there are ideas?that can help you tremendously.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

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You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.