The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Think about the things that make you happy in life, whether it's good friends, whether it's a career that you love, or a career path that you're heading towards. Think about hobbies that you have that you enjoy. Think about the things that just enrich your life personally. And I don't mean sacrificing at all. I don't mean, “Well, I feel good when I give up my hard-earned money. I feel good when I give up my precious time. I feel good when I give away the things that I like most in life.” That is a foul philosophy. That's the philosophy that brings so many people into counseling because it's telling them that to enjoy their life, they have to sacrifice their life. It's silly. It's a contradiction, and there's even a name for it.

It's “other-ism.” In Latin, it's called “altruism,” and most of us think altruism means being nice to people—opening doors for little old ladies and being a benevolent person. Well, I’ll tell you, when you love your own life, when you're pursuing your dreams and you don't always feel chronically guilty because you're not stepping on other people but you're pursuing your own dreams, you don't feel like everybody's your enemy. Whereas, if you feel that everybody's got their hand in your money pocket or your time pocket and you don't own your own life—if you have to sneak away into your room or someplace just to get some time for yourself and you're feeling bitter towards people—that doesn't make you a very benevolent person, even if you can paste on a smile and pretend that you're very happy doing it.

That's the hideousness of self-sacrifice, of selflessness. It's the opposite of self-esteem. So my show is all about how to learn to value your own life and to have the right moral code under it—to have the code of rational egoism, valuing your life, feeling good about yourself, not running roughshod over people, not taking advantage of them, but truly, truly nurturing your own life. And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Here is an email I received from a 17-year-old boy who's living in Jordan. It's a very short email. See what you think of this—made me sad to read this:

“Hello. I have a problem. I have a fear of strange people and thieves. Picture what my life might be like, and people seem angry or huge, and I also fear fighting the enemies. Sometimes I think I'm still too young to fight. Please tell me what the solution for that problem is. Regards.”

And his name is EAD. I can't see his last—I won't even try his last name—but he's 17 years old, and that made me very sad to hear because I think he's trapped in a situation in the Mid-East where he's going to have to fight. He may not. He's just trying to get a handle on the world, and his moral compass may be all over the map. You know, he may be told things—that he has to do things out of duty. Well, try fighting a war out of duty. He's a scared kid. He's not a mature kid who understands why he's fighting.

If you live in a world where there are thieves around, where you have to fight enemies, where there are enemies on different borders, and you don't even know why you're fighting, it's a scary world to live in. And then you need a lifeline. You need to know that some rational people exist somewhere in the world, and you can get that through reading good literature sometimes. And I don't mean junk literature.

My favorite book is Atlas Shrugged. It turned my life around. Actually, the works of Ayn Rand—A-Y-N R-A-N-D—totally turned my life around because I learned how to have a life for myself and how to hold on during difficult times to that knowledge that good people exist somewhere in the world. In my case, they're much closer to me. You may have some good friends, and you want to hold on to those memories, but good people exist someplace in the world. And the goodness in your own soul is there. And think of things that you love, things that you enjoy in life—and I don't care on what scale—whether it's sports, and if you can't play them, just even thinking about them or watching them on the internet, if you have access to the internet. Or if it's a subject such as math or something—enjoy it. As long as it's a rational activity, it won't hurt you.

If you love drinking—well, I won't tell you to go out and enjoy that. You do need clear thinking skills. You can go to my website, DrKenner.com, and maybe if you have a good command of English, you could read the book The Fountainhead or Atlas Shrugged, and it may help reorient you. If you think that's too much to do, you could read some of the psychology books, such as Mind Over Mood. That may help you.

Although, if the reality around you is that you're trapped in a situation that's not very healthy psychologically, then you still need to maintain your optimism. Hold on to your values because nobody can take away what you think about in the privacy of your own mind. And if you can think about the things you love, it helps you hold a lifeline. It helps you hold on to your own core—core self—and build on that, to think: what can I add to those thoughts? What hobbies or what can I do that can bring more joy to my life, even if it's growing a garden, if you enjoy that.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world-famous for his theories in goal-setting:

“To have self-esteem, start with the premise that you are, in principle, worthy of your own happiness. Reject as outrageous any doctrine that says you are born evil. In reality, you are born neutral. You create your own moral character. Further, if you have accepted the altruistic idea that you exist merely to please and serve others, you are doomed from the start because you have decided that others are worthy of achieving their own values, but you are not. Selfless people cannot have self-esteem because they have no self to esteem.”

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.