The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com.

And right now, we are going to turn to our after-hours line to hear about a woman who's 62 years old and she's giving herself a choice. Should she allow herself to pass or should she pay a lot of money for medication and continue to be miserable? See what your gut response is to what she says.

Yes, I'm 62 years old. I became widowed. I have been dealing with a lot of depression, and Plan B has caused my medications to go up in cost. I am trying to consider whether to stop taking the medications and just let nature take its course and allow me to pass, or whether to take the medications and continue to be miserable.

You know, when I hear you say, "allow me to pass," that doesn't make any sense. I'm not understanding why you would even consider that. It sounds like you're giving yourself a false alternative. Choice A is to go off the medications and let yourself die, or B, pay a lot of money, stay on the medications, and continue to be depressed and miserable. So what about Choice C? What about none of the above for A and B, and you? Instead, you go to Choice C.

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com, huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting. So...

What about Choice C? What about none of the above for A and B, and you? Instead, you go to Choice C: recognize that you're talking about having a lot of depression. What if you labeled it grief instead? Your husband died recently. I'm assuming that you didn’t marry when you were 61 years old, but that he died when you were 60, when he was 60, or 62 years now. I’m assuming that you've been married for many, many years. That means that if you had a decent relationship at all, and if you had kids and a shared history and family connections, you have a lot of genuine grieving to do. And guess what emotion grief gives you? Depression. But it is grief, it is not that you’re a depressed personality. So I would allow yourself to go through the grief. It’s painful. I would get a therapist for this to give yourself some help. Go through the profound sadness, the multiple losses that you're experiencing—the loss of a lifelong buddy, your lover, your friend, a gaping hole in your life now, the loneliness that you feel, the loss of someone who knows you intimately and who possibly valued you for what you love most about yourself. You’re going through possibly a painful period. Maybe he didn’t die of a heart attack suddenly, but he was sick for a long time. So grief hurts like hell.

And you also want to be aware of anniversary dates. Well, it’s a year ago, so the pain can be exquisite at this point. I would keep on the medications just to stabilize yourself. You want to get some professional help because I don’t know what medications you’re talking about. But the goal for medications is, if you're in profound pain, enough that you can’t mentally focus, it kicks in your main weapon—your mind. Pills don’t teach coping skills. So, grieve the loss, get yourself some help. And it can take over two years or more to grieve the loss of the dearest loved one, your partner.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Drkenner.com and please listen to this.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke:

Just as with any important goal in life, don’t be passive when searching for a partner. True, someone might just come along, but there's no guarantee of this. It’s better to be proactive. Proactive doesn’t mean desperate. Desperation will tempt you to move too fast, and disappointment is likely. There are many ways to meet people—through friends and acquaintances, through work, through organizations you belong to, during singles activities, through professional dating or matchmaking services, or through personal ads in magazines, newspapers, or online. The Internet has proven to be a tremendous boon to people looking for romantic partners. It is replacing some conventional dating services.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Drkenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com.