The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com, and @amazon.com

Reagan, you're having anxiety attacks, panic attacks.

Yes.

Yeah, tell me what's going on.

Well, I'm losing my health, and I had to basically walk away from my first job. I was apartment maintenance there, and the attacks are so bad that I just, I just couldn't function. I couldn't do any kind of work.

They actually want.

Okay, they attacked you.

No, no, the anxiety attacks.

Oh, the attacks were so bad. Oh, I see. So the anxiety is getting in the way of your holding down a job.

Yes, so what I did is I got medication, and now it's controllable, but I still get these attacks. I got a new job, but I just still get these attacks, like, like, you know, like panic attacks, where I just want to leave the scene, you know?

Yeah.

So I just want to know, how do I control that, you know? And I'm in fear of, I'm in fear of living by myself because I am divorced now, but I'm still living with my ex-wife. But I'm in fear of just, you know, getting an apartment and living by myself. I just, I just fear that for some reason.

What do you tell yourself when you think of being on your own?

Oh, I just, I just, just the fear of not having anybody around because I'm so used to it, you know.

Okay, so the companionship or safety issues.

It's basically companionship. I was married for 14 years, the first marriage, and the second one was 10 years. So I've never been alone. And it was like, right after my first marriage, I got right into another relationship, like right away the same year of my divorce. So I guess it's codependency.

So you're setting several goals for yourself. One of them is, what you're identifying is that you love companionship. You love the company. And that's a legitimate value to have, companionship. It's also, excuse me, a legitimate value to know that you're capable of living on your own. And that's a gift you can give yourself.

You can use a therapy skill, a method that's called reframing. It's like you put a different picture frame around it, different ideas around it. And if I thought of, let's say, my husband was going away, or I don't want to say me, but let's say I was a person going through a divorce, I could either catastrophize and say, ?Oh, I'll be alone forever. I'm too old. I'll never find anybody else. This was my last chance, and I blew it. What's the use? Why bother? And I don't know if I can make it on my own. I've never done it. I don't even know how to do the mundane things like cooking and shopping.? And what am I filling my mind with?

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is. The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it @amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

And I don't know if I can make it on my own. I've never done it. I don't even know how to do the mundane things like cooking and shopping. And what am I filling my mind with? What? With a lot of self-doubt.

And guess what emotion is triggered when we flood our mind with thoughts, the self-talk of doubt?

Exactly. You release cortisol and adrenaline. You activate what's your normal function of your body, your autonomic nervous system, and you feel revved up when you send yourself catastrophic thoughts. ?What if I can't make it?? That's the type. Then you're going to release more or less cortisol and adrenaline?

Big thought, more anxiety.

Yep, you're releasing more. And then you look at all of the natural responses that any of us have when we release adrenaline or cortisol in our system by a thought. For example, if I were to cross the street and a big truck is coming towards me, guess what I would feel?

Yeah.

And anxious. And I would release cortisol and adrenaline. It's going to make my muscles feel tight and shaky because more blood is flowing to my muscles. It's going to shut down my digestive system because I don't have time to store energy, to store the food, to convert it into energy. I need to spend the energy to run away from the truck. I am going to be breathing more rapidly so I can get more oxygen in to fuel the muscles that are going to be working to run away from the truck.

Well, the same thing happens when there's no truck there, but when we send ourselves a catastrophic thought, your mind doesn't know the difference between the truck and a thought that says, ?Oh my God, what if I can't make it on my own?? So if you know it's just a normal function of your nervous system, you'll experience the anxiety. But then you can use some skills to tone it down. You can send yourself better thoughts.

Well, look, this is an example of a better thought. This is a wonderful opportunity for me to be independent. I have never, in quotes?like ?I have never done this??graduated to independent living. I've been married. Like you, I've been married my whole life. So it's a wonderful opportunity to graduate to independent living, to have that opportunity to show myself I can make it on my own, and that independence is golden. You're building self-esteem because you will discover that you're capable of doing things that you're telling yourself you can't do now.

Like, it's like continuous, you know, right?

And you won't like, yeah, go ahead.

Okay, and there was one more thing that happened.

You know what? We're down to the last 30 seconds. I wish we had more time on radio. You're welcome to call another time. What I would recommend is go to a website. You can go to my website, Dr. Kenner.com, d-r-k-e-n-n-e-r.com, and look for cognitive therapy. You can also go to another website, Academy of CT, for cognitive therapy.org. There are wonderful books that give lots of skills. I've only given you a sampler of skills to manage anxiety and feel proud that you can do it, and you're doing it. It's not just the medication. So thank you so much for your call, Reagan.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Is this for me?

This is lovely.

Well, I'm glad you like it, because I picked it all up myself.

I don't know if I can accept this.

Why not?

Because you spent far too much.

All right, well, then I'll take a couple of things back.

Wait, not that one.

Daphne, would you please just take the damn basket?

What are you getting so cross about?

Well, why? You can give me a gift, but I'm not allowed to give you one back?

Oh, so that's the only reason you gave me this.

Yeah, that's the way it works.

And I don't know about you, but I felt that way with people giving me gifts or me giving other people gifts. It's not always easy to give a gift or to accept a gift. And the best type of gifts are gifts that you're not putting yourself under pressure. You're not saying to yourself, ?Oh, I have to get a last-minute birthday gift,? but you just happen to be thinking about the person, and you see an item that you think they would enjoy, and it's not so expensive that it's going to make them feel uncomfortable or embarrassed getting it, but that you just think it will put a smile on their face.

Like the other day, I was telling my sister that I love these new, thick tights that have come out. And she said, ?Oh, that's nice.? And then she went to a discount store and bought me a pair of tights for under $10, and that was my birthday gift, and it was just a fun, easy gift to accept, as opposed to getting a gift and you feel guilty because the person gave you too much, or thinking they have ulterior motives. They just got you a gift because they didn't want to feel indebted to you. You had given them something.

And of course, that was an adorable drop from Frasier.

So when you're thinking of buying a birthday gift or a holiday gift for someone, if you give yourself some advanced preparation, or a time to think about it, what that will give you is the ability to really think about what the person might like. And you'll be on the lookout for those items, not driving yourself crazy doing it, but you're more likely to spot something that will hit the spot with that person. And many times it's just a lovely card, handwritten card, or maybe it's some banana bread you made or something like that that they actually love.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com and please listen to this ad.

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Compatible personalities are crucial to romance. Being compatible does not mean being identical. It means that the partners do not constantly clash, but make each other happy on a daily basis. Nor is it the case that opposites necessarily attract. This may be true of some traits, but not others. An introverted man might enjoy the way an extroverted woman brings him out of his shell, while an extroverted man might feel at peace with a quiet, self-contained woman. On the other hand, many people prefer partners with similar personalities. People who are adventurous, for example, usually prefer partners who are the same.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Dr. Kenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com.