The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Frank, you?re dealing with some anger.
Yes, yeah, yes. Tell me what you would like help with.

Well, is it Dr. Kenner?
Yes.
Yeah, Dr. Kenner, what I think the foundation of it is a general question concerning what I?m recognizing in my life is that things, for example with my kids or with others, that you know, things that can make me angry, I?m recognizing that it?s not necessarily about the present circumstance, but it?s related to, perhaps, some unresolved wounds, if you will, from the past that have gone unresolved. And I?m looking for ways to?I mean, I think recognizing it to begin with is a big step.

Huge step. The honesty involved in your saying what you just did. If I were your child?how old are your children?
I have three teenagers.
Three teenagers. If I were one of your kids, and you were snapping at me, and you looked at me, maybe not in that moment, because it?s hard to shift gears when it?s spilling out, but if you either told them in advance or after the fact and said, ?You know something, I?ve been so hard on you, and I owe you a huge apology, and the way I want to pay my apology is to work on myself and change so I don?t continue doing this to you. I have some unresolved things from my past,? and if it?s abuse?I?m assuming it?s some sort of abuse or very severe background.

Very severe.
Severe. And do they know about it at all?
Yes.
Oh, your kids know that you were abused?
Yeah, I mean, they don?t know in detail that I?

Yeah, and sometimes?go ahead.
?but I lived on the streets and, you know, whatnot, but with my parents?
Excuse me, you lived on the street with your parents?

Okay, so they have a little information. Do they have a few graphic pictures? Meaning, if my father told me he lived on the streets, yeah, I can picture him maybe living on the streets in Florida where it?s warm and people are giving him handouts and panhandling. Or I can think of him living on the streets where people are beating him up and he never knows who?s going to hit him as a little kid, or maybe do a lot worse. And do they know how bad it was for you?

Well, I don?t think they could ever know how bad it was.
No, that is true. That is true. Nor could I.

I?ve certainly written about it. I read poetry and I write and whatnot, and, you know, they have a pretty?
Okay, that?s what I meant. If they have at least some context, they don?t have to have all the graphic details, because that can give them nightmares.

But if you tell them in advance, ?Hey, if I snap, I want you to know that it?s not you. Ninety percent of this?if that?s the case?ninety percent of this is that it triggered something in me from my past. I?m working on it. I want to work with you so that you don?t take it as if it?s you that?s the problem. It?s me, and I?m working on it, and it?s really hard to do, but I want to work with you on this. Maybe we can set up a signal system.?

I think that?s good advice. Can I ask you another question?
Sure.
It?s just related, and that is, do you think that unresolved, deep seated anger could lead to severe debilitating depression? And once that anger is resolved, do you think that depression could be also eradicated from one?s life?

Well, you know, again, I would need some details, but in pattern, I would say hey?

I gotta interrupt this because we?ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that?s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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Do you think that depression could be also eradicated from one?s life?

Well, you know, again, I would need some details, but in pattern I would say absolutely that if you have unresolved emotional issues?issues that are just bottled up in you, that you don?t know how to resolve, you don?t know forgiveness.

And then how would you recommend going about it?

Well, forgiveness is a little different. You mean forgiving other people?
Yes.
Yeah, let me deal with the depression question first and then a few moments on forgiveness because I know we have limited time here.

With the depression: depression is anger. The thought behind anger?or the thoughts behind anger?are in the ballpark of: it?s not fair, it?s not just. It?s your injustice detector. And sometimes our anger is off base because we expect the world to be served to us on a silver spoon. And we think it?s not fair, but really we need to work. We need to put in effort.

Sometimes the anger is totally justified. You were abused and your parents or other people in your life really tried to damage you as a kid: to damage your mind, your self-confidence, your goal-setting. And you need to work through that, and you don?t?

When you say work through that, could you be a little more specific?

Yeah. You need to figure out who, what, when, where, why, and how. You need to figure out: Who did the harm to me? So that you don?t draw the conclusion that the whole world is like that.

I think that when a child is abused, I think the tremendous recurrent pain occurs not necessarily from what happened to them, even though what happened to the child is a tragedy?
Yes.
?but what they believed about what happened to them.

Yes, that is true too. If they conclude?if they make it an identity issue?that I am a bad person. There are four ways it can damage them.

They can conclude a premise about themselves, a global conclusion about themselves, that: I am worthless. I am unlovable. I am no good. I am stupid. Any of those type of ideas are attacks on whom? Themselves. Right?

So it can do damage to your self-esteem: that you don?t feel worthy. It can do damage to your view of other people?the second category?that other people can never be trusted. Other people will always hurt me. Or: other people, I?m totally dependent on them, and yet they can bite me anytime.

You know, it can do damage that way. It can do damage to your view of the world: What?s the use? Why bother? You can?t get anywhere in life because every time you try to get ahead, someone cuts you down. And abuse can do damage to your view of your future: Why bother? And that?s where you get depressed. People who are depressed have basically said: the loss is so great and I don?t know how to fix it and I give up.

And how do you overcome that? Especially when it goes?
Oh yeah, it?s going to hit intimacy greatly. Your honesty is going to work for you. And I know we?re wrapping up right now.

Go to my website, DrKenner.com, d-r-k-e-n-n-e-r.com and look for the book Mind Over Mood. There are also books?The Anger?I don?t think I have this on the website, but The Anger Control Workbook by Matthew McKay and Peter Rogers that you can look up. There are other anger books too.

You want to be able to get the help. And cognitive therapy?go to my website and look up the cognitive therapy address and find a cognitive therapist near you.

Listen, I wish we had more time. Thank you so much for your call.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

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