The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @amazon.com

Donna, you are going through some losses, aren't you?

I am going to, I'm going to, once-a-week grief-counseling group.

Okay, okay.

I'm seeing a psychiatrist. I'm unpacked right now. My mom got cancer. She had it for a year. Last January she had pneumonia. Yeah, she wasn't getting better. Wasn't getting better. She almost did, and they found cancer in her lungs while she was in the hospital. And she's been through chemo?

radiation and chemo, radiation, chemo,

radiation. So she's gone through a lot. And what is the prognosis for her? If it's in the lungs?

Right now, it's terminal, because the last PET scan that I just got back like three weeks ago, there?s still cancer even after?

So you're dealing with the fact that Mom is dying. What is the timeframe that they?ve given you? I know when my father-in-law was dying, they said he'll never make it to his next birthday. You know, they were pretty frank with us. They're pretty?

Within six months.

Okay, and so that's really hard on you. How can I best be of help to you?

I just? one thing, my dad. I'm very close to my mother. We?re like best friends. I talk to her all the time whenever I have a problem. My dad, I was semi-close to. I mean, you know, we kept in touch and, you know, brought the kids over and all. And that was hard enough, my dad dying. It was a shock. We just found out my dad had cancer two months ago. He had half his lung removed?

And two weeks later?

They both had lung cancer, yes.

But they?re both heavy smokers for years and years. They quit 15 years ago, but too?

Late.

Yeah, smoking is a hard one because you don?t see the consequences when you?re younger. How can I best help you? What made you make the phone call to me?

I'm so disoriented. I went back to work two days after the funeral. Yeah. I don?t cry. I can?t cry.

You want some help crying?

Okay, fine. I don?t think that I can completely grieve my father until my mother?s dead. I feel like I?m losing them both at once, and so I can?t get closure on any, because I know my dad is dead. I mean, I went to the funeral, I said the goodbye. I know he's dead and he is gone.

Yeah, you know. So that?s part of?

Yeah, that?s part of your grief work. And Mom, let me tell you a little bit about grief. You may already know some of what I'm saying, but it may give you a different perspective on it. And that is, typically, when we?re in the midst of a crisis, we become functional, meaning you have to get Mom to the doctor, you have to see her, you have to make sure she gets whatever treatment, or if she goes into hospice. You know, you?re taking her back and forth, and you?re in function mode.

And then afterwards, after your loved one has passed, your mind has time to kind of catch up with you. And you can start to let yourself feel the pain. And my guess is you've already done what?s called anticipatory grief, meaning you knew your father was dying, and there were moments when your mind would connect different aspects of the loss. ?Oh, I won?t be able to call Dad. Oh, on Father?s Day I won?t be able to send him a card. He won't be here anymore. The holidays are coming?? You?ll feel the loss, right? Because your mind will initially say, ?Oh, I want to call Dad,? or ?Hey, I want to tell Dad this.?

And the grief process involves you having that?anticipating that the person is still alive?and then giving your subconscious, giving your mind, the painful knowledge that, oh, he?s not here anymore. And that?s why grief is so painful. And typically, you can?t get closure right away. Dad just died. Your mother's in the process of dying. It sounds like you are not ready to grieve, but you?re getting grief counseling, so you're getting some good suggestions from there. I hear it as you talk to me, that you?re telling me some things that you know. I can hear some of the advice they've given you.

But normal grief, when your parents are older and they're dying, a normal grief can take?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where?s that ad I saw? Here it is. The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com, huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

A normal grief, when your parents are older and they're dying, a normal grief can take a full year or more, because you need to go through the whole cycle of the holidays and feel the losses. You want to eventually let yourself cry. Observe what you say that doesn?t let you cry. If you feel guilty? what do you think it is that's not?where you're not letting yourself?why you're not letting yourself cry?

I don?t feel guilt. I cried at the funeral. That was open casket, and I had half an hour in the room with my dad, alone with the open casket, and I cried a lot. Then I cried a lot that morning. So it?s not like I haven?t cried. So maybe that?s all I needed to do with him. I?m scared. I am very scared of my mom dying, because I just?I love my mom so much. I talk to my mom every day. She?s like, you know, my husband and my mom, my best friend.

When you have that profound value, recognize that that's within you. That capacity to love your mom that deeply and to have built such a wonderful relationship with her is a capacity that you have. And you?ll always have your memories of your mom. So you can cherish the upcoming months with her. You know she?s dying. If you need to cry, let yourself cry privately. You don't just do it in public. But if that happens, that happens. It?s not a big deal because you need to let your mind recognize the loss.

And you also need to build what's called a parallel life?to connect with your values that are not related to Mom?so you can continue enjoying your life once she?s gone. And she would want that for you, just as I would want that for my kids if I were dying. So listen, thank you so much for the call, and be very?be your own best friend in the process.

And here?s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

How do you know you don?t like chocolate if you refuse to try it? Do you like worms?

What?

How do you know if you?ve never tasted one?

And that?s from the movie Chocolat. A darling movie, a wonderful movie. Not just darling?the kids were darling?but a wonderful movie. And if you're struggling, if you feel like you can?t think for yourself, that you have to?like the kid, the kid was actually thinking for himself. He?s raising a question: do you like worms? And you know, how do you know that you don?t like them if you?ve never tried them?

If you feel like you?re living in the shoes of everybody else but yourself, you?re always doing things for your parents or your in-laws or your friends or your spouse or your kids and there?s no you? you want to rethink that. And in Chocolat, you learn how not to conform, not to rebel, but to love your own life. And that?s a fabulous message, and it?s a hard one for all of us to get, because the culture tells us the other thing. The culture tells us everywhere we should sacrifice, sacrifice. For whom? For the family, or for the country, or for some religion. You always have to sacrifice. Is that the case? And if you don't sacrifice, does that make you immediately bad? If you value your own mind and think for yourself independently, is that bad or good?

Some questions you want to think about. And again, I do recommend the movie Chocolat.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who?s world-famous for his theories in goal-setting:

A few fortunate individuals have a first impression of a partner that turns out to be accurate?they are a perfect match. But even these individuals should not commit to a permanent attachment on the spot. Attraction at first sight is fine, but nothing can replace the need to gain more knowledge about your potential partner. What people call ?love at first sight? is often the result of infatuation. Infatuation refers to a strong, immediate emotional attraction based on a small number of qualities?sometimes only one, such as looks.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com