The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and @amazon.com

Marion, you lost your daughter.

Yes, ma?am. It was about five years ago, yes. And we were in a real terrible accident, car accident. Yes, ma?am, it was a car accident. I was going to a friend of mine, and to be honest with you, I really don't know exactly what happened, if I was going too fast or if I fell asleep. I honestly do not know, but one thing led to another, and I slammed in territory, and it was me and my older daughter, and my son and my daughter Katie. We were all in the van, and we all survived, but Katie, she did not. She?s in heaven. I'm a Christian. I'm a Lutheran Christian, and I do believe that she is in heaven, and I will see her again one day.

So why? What would you like some help with?

Okay, I don't know how to what's torture. How do I deal with it, I guess. Because what I think now, I think it, but I know that it's silly to think this, but I always think if I buy this or if I buy that, or if I do this or do that, you know, if I clean the house, then Katie's going to come back, you know, and everything will be fine. But at the same time, I know that's not going to happen. I know that's not possible.

Tell me about the part that says it's not possible. Part of you says it is. Part of you says it isn't.

There you go, yeah.

Well, because I know that we all survived, and she did not, and she is gone. She's gone, and we are still here on this earth, and that she is with Jesus. I know this. But then another part says that she's going to come back, and I don't understand why I'm feeling these two different emotions.

Okay, so when you have a conflict like that in your own mind, that's really messing you up, what you need to do is resolve the contradiction. Because it can't be that she's coming back if you buy bananas or if you buy peaches, and you're waiting for her to come back, and yet you've wrapped your mind around some dynamic like that, some pattern like that. And partly, you want to be very, very good to yourself. It's complicated grief. When you lose someone who is not a timely death. A timely death is when someone is in their 90s and they die. She's only five years old.

That?s what I was going to ask you. How old is she?

She's five years old. And man, if I were the mom in that car, one of the emotions that I would feel would be terror and horror. And I'm saying a few of the emotions, and guilt. I would feel enormous guilt.

Well, you know, I did for a while, but then I finally came to the realization that it wasn't my fault. You know, it is one of these things that happen, you know, and I'm not beating myself up anymore.

You've come a long way then in the grief process. If you know that you didn't deliberately try to do anything and you know that you fell asleep, or you might have been driving too fast, which all of us do at times, and that driving isn't?you know, you're going 60 miles an hour, or you're driving? Even my husband and I had a head-on collision in our driveway. A head-on collision, and we were both okay. We were going at slow speeds. But strange things can happen. So you can be very?

As long as you've dealt with the guilt piece, that would be my first one. The second is?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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You know, strange things can happen. So you can be very?as long as you've dealt with the guilt piece, that would be my first one. The second is the loss. The loss, the loss of a child is so painful. I've worked with multiple parents who have lost kids all ages, and it's so painful that you just don't want to let those last threads go. You want to think they'll come back. You wake up hoping they'll be there. You dream about them. The longing and the desperate longing is so deep that your mind can play?it?s not that it's playing tricks on you, but your longing can make you create ways to think that you can be powerful to bring them back. Are you following me?

Yeah.

And so you can come up with things that are almost?there's no causal connection. ?Well, if I buy the groceries here, she'll come back.? What are some of the other things you do to try to get her back?

I mean, that's kind of where I'm at right now. I know it's silly, but that's where I'm at.

But see, this is the part of you?

Go ahead.

Well, yeah, if I buy a club, if I could?I thought about the world. If I do this, if I do that, she's gonna come back. But I know that, right?

And the best gift you can give yourself is to have your mind connect properly with reality. Meaning, if you know it's not possible, if you're even using the word silly, really let your mind explore that. You know, you can even sit down and write: I know it's not possible. The butterflies won't bring her back. It's lovely imagery. It could be fantasy. It is fantasy. But she can't come back. And help your mind grasp that the loss is final. Because part?

Yeah, I think I just haven't dealt with it. I mean, it's been five years, and I?

You can go back into counseling if that would help. I don't know if you were in counseling, but, because you know I'm sitting here looking at a page right now from one of the top grief counselors that says there are six processes of mourning the grief. One is to acknowledge?recognize the loss. You have to acknowledge and understand the death. It sounds like you've done that. I know we're wrapping up with time too.

You need to experience the pain, react to the separation, and deal with any of the losses. You need to recollect?remember the person who died, Katie, in ways that make sense. But you have to let go of the fact that she's there and build what's called a parallel life, a new life for yourself. And that's not abandoning Katie. You'll keep all of your treasured memories. You can't have her back, but you can always keep the memories. And you readjust to the world in a way that's much more adaptive for you, much healthier for you and for your other children.

So listen, I want to wish you a lot of success with this, and you need to reinvest your energy in values that do exist while still loving your memories of Katie. Thank you so much for the call.

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You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.