The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Alyssa, you're having some troubles with trust.
Yes.
Really, it's sort of a complicated situation.
Okay.
I've dated some terrible, terrible people in the past ? that would take hours to talk about.
Okay.
I met someone that, you know, he's wonderful and encouraged me to finish school and, you know, do all these things that I needed to do. And yet, for some reason with him ? knowing that he's good ? it's like I trust him less than I did the people that I knew were terrible, and I'm not sure why that's happening.

And I also have noticed that here, in just the last couple of years, I've developed a really difficult time dealing with change and trusting, you know, that things will be okay. And I just feel kind of overwhelmed by all these different fears that I'm having. It's almost like I'm addicted to them ? to fear.

So basically, you're anticipating that something negative is going to happen in your life. When the going gets good, watch out, because you never know when you turn the page of another day when a person can hurt you or something bad can happen. So you're living with a policy in your mind ? if you want to call it a rule or just a standing order in your mind ? that says: Be careful. When the going gets good, something bad can happen, right?

And you have some facts. That didn't come out of nowhere, right? You dated some people and they did stab you in the back, right?

Well, I think it comes from a lot of past. You know, I grew up in a long line of watching domestic abuse happen to my grandmother and my mother. And then, as I began to date, you know, I tried to find as far opposite from that as I could. And what was happening is, rather than finding the opposite, I was ending up attracting all these, I guess, kind of scuzzy people ? a lot, you know, a lot of liars.

And there was a long, very long dating situation where I thought I was going to get married to this person. And then I found out ? actually, of all stories, on the day of my mother's funeral ? that he had been cheating for two and a half years out of, you know, what was almost a six-year relationship. Yeah. And I just think that I've come to? like I've gotten so negative, I come to anticipate the worst. And I'm like that not only in my relationships, but, you know, with my home life and my job and stuff too.

With your home life and with your daughter ? is that what you?
With my job.
Oh, with your job too, that you fear the worst with the job. What are you fearing will happen?

Well, to be honest with you, I'm not as happy in my job as I thought I would be. I love the work that I do, but there's a lot of politics involved. And I had originally gone to college to be a teacher, and I had trouble getting jobs when I graduated because there weren't any openings. So I ended up working for a library system, and it's very low pay, but I work these long hours.

Okay, but you're not fearing the worst, then. That's a little different ? that you're saying that? go ahead.
Oh, I'm sorry. I think I fear, rather than what's happening in the job, I fear moving on from that job. It's almost as though I'm afraid to apply for different jobs because, you know, it's something different, and it could be worse than where I'm at? or it could be better, you know. I could be?

Part of what you're facing is the real fact that life involves risk, right? And if you give yourself the anticipation that you want to reduce all risk in life, then you will reduce all? what? What will you reduce by reducing risk?

If I were to reduce all risk, I wouldn't want to drive on the roads because who knows what can happen, right? I wouldn't want to necessarily eat certain foods because who knows what can happen. I might not want to date anybody because who knows what can happen.

If you don't? if you are afraid of taking any?if you don't recognize a real fact that life involves risks: you can apply for a new job and not get it. If you don't acknowledge that, then you'll drive yourself batty. Whereas if you say?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it ? a very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance?
Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship.
Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want.
Where's that ad I saw? Here it is.

The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance ? that is interesting.

If you don't acknowledge that, then you'll drive yourself batty. Whereas if you say: life involves reasonable risks, and I can apply for a job while holding on to my current job ? assuming you wouldn't lose it in the process of applying and, you know, them wanting recommendations ? but I can apply for a job. And you could have a different policy. My husband's policy when dating was: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. How does that differ from avoid risk, avoid hurt?

It doesn't really? well, nothing ventured ? meaning, if he does?
Go ahead.
Just prevent you from gaining anything.
Right?

When I first went back to school, I didn't know whether I would ever get into college. So I was realistic. I gave myself five years to be rejected. I knew I was older. I was going back to school after having been out of college for many years, and I didn't know if I would ever get accepted into a PhD program. Come on ? I had to take the Graduate Record Exams. I didn't know if I would do well on those.

So I did my best. I studied for the GRE exams. I applied to school. I did not get into the only school in my area that I could go to the first year. And so I called them up and asked them, you know, what could I do the following year to get in? So I'm doing something a little different, which is?

You're going after it rather than waiting for it, right?
Yeah. And how could that help you in terms of the job? Then we'll go back to boyfriends.

Well, I think if I don't apply for a job and, you know, risk ? I guess what I'm doing is: by not taking that chance, I'm not finding out that there could be better out there.

There could be better. By avoiding the pain of failing, you avoid success too, right? This is what a good job search looks like: rejection, rejection, rejection, rejection. And I could have a whole page of rejections ? and then at the end of that page, it ends with acceptance. Meaning all I need is one acceptance. I can apply to 20 jobs, and if 19 reject me, but the 20th accepts me and I like the job, then I'm a success.

So it's: what do you say to yourself when you ?get rejected?? If you make it an identity issue ? ?Oh my God, this means I'm no good? or ?There's something wrong with me? ? if you know that's not accurate, don't play that game with yourself. Just say: I know I'm a good person, and they probably had many applicants. I don't know what their thinking is.

With dating, you want to have that view of? are you still there, Alyssa?
I am.
Okay. With the dating, you want to definitely look at how you selected the guys in the past, because you want a different method of selecting. If you have a good guy now, enjoy it. If you're always looking around the corner, it will make you and him anxious.

And this is much easier said than done, right? You can always go to a cognitive therapy website ? AcademyOfCT.org ? okay? And that may help give you some ideas on books to read, on couple skills, and looking at self-talk. What you say to yourself really matters.

Because if you say something like: Enjoy this relationship, it?s long in coming, you'll have a different attitude. When you've been burned, it's hard to do that.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com ? and please listen to this ad.

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Understanding where emotions come from will make you a better romantic partner. Sadness is due to the perceived loss of a value. Depression is a more extreme form of sadness, which may involve painful loss or the conviction that one is no good, that life is no good, and that things will never get better.

Anxiety stems from your appraisal that there's a threat to your values, often involving uncertainty. Frequently this threat is of a psychological nature, such as a perceived threat to your self-esteem.

Fear is your response to the perception of imminent danger ? usually a physical threat ? or of your perception of the imminent loss of an important value.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.