The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Ryan, you are either staying awake at night, or you're having some anxiety during your sleep?

Yes, I am actually.

Yeah, tell me about that.

Well, I started when I was a kid, and I just, every time I go to sleep, I feel, like, fear of it. I don't know if it's like insecurity about going to sleep, but I get waves of anxiety. And then I'm in med school right now, so I'm, you know, stressed out during the day, but I should come home and feel tired, but I lay in bed and everything?just feel my heart pounding and racing. And it's not like I'm thinking about school or anything in general, but I don't know, and then I start getting afraid of those feelings and fears, and right?

That's called a secondary emotion?when you become anxious about your anxious feelings. Yeah, it's secondary problems. Something triggered the original problem when you were a kid. I mean, it doesn't come out of nowhere. Psychology is causal. Do you know what was going on when you? I don't know if you can remember back that far. I don't know what your age was, but what were some of the key reasons that you would have felt anxious as a kid and a little fearful sleeping?

You know, I can't place it on anything in particular. I remember my brother when he was young. I have a younger brother. He kind of went through this little phase, and he would start crying like every five?like, if he went to sleep and he couldn't fall asleep in five to ten minutes, he would cry, and I would hear him. And I don't know, like, I was young, and it kept my parents up until midnight. And, you know, he kind of got over it. But I've never really gotten over, like, the fear of kind of being by myself and just like, I don't know, it's really strange. I'm 23, so it's kind of weird.

Okay, look at how fascinating this is, because you're looking for clues. When you have an emotion as an adult, and as a very intelligent adult?if you're in med school?when you have an emotion that just doesn't make sense and it's disrupting your life, you want the ability to be able to take a close look at that emotion and allow your mind, over time, to do the detective work as a curious scientist.

And you're starting to talk about it. And as you talk about it, even though you use words like, "You know, it's weird," or "It's strange," it's not strange, it's causal. And look at the clues you have so far?that there was a sleep problem in your household. Your brother would keep everybody awake by crying. So, you know, that's very disruptive. You want to just be able to gently go off to sleep at night, and you don't know when it's going to be punctuated by crying, which just causes a ruckus in the house. Your parents are up, and they're frustrated. You know, they're up until midnight. They have to wake up the next morning. And so there you've got some clues from that.

Then you mentioned something else in passing. Do you know what it was?

I'm not exactly sure.

You said being by myself.

Yeah, yeah. So that?

When my girlfriend stays over, I feel very comfortable and I can immediately go to sleep. But when I'm by myself, I usually have to take a Lunesta or something, because I don't know, I just can't stand being awake for more than five to ten minutes, or else the waves of anxiety will just take over.

Okay, so that's another clue. That's another wonderful clue as a scientist, isn't it? You?being by yourself. I've worked with many very intelligent adults who've come in and they've told me they can't sleep, and we do the detective work, and for each person, it's unique. It depends on your own history. Some people maybe had someone break into their house as a kid, and they didn't remember it until now. Somebody else had trauma within their family that happened, that disrupted their sleep pattern as a child. It doesn't have to be a big thing.

I had difficulty sleeping because I saw a movie that was not even a horror movie, but it had a spooky part in it, and that kept me awake for a month. And to this day, my husband, if he just comes in the room and gently puts his hand on the back of my shoulder or something, I might go like that?

Very jumpy.

?but I know what that's from, and it's just that silly movie. And the reason I know it is I allowed my mind to do the detective work, and one day I said, "Don't go jumping out at me like that," and I immediately remembered from childhood this movie. It was a Hayley Mills movie, I think The Moon-Spinners, where somebody jumps out in a very quiet place?you think nobody's there?and someone jumps out.

So what this is my telling you: don't beat up on yourself like, "This is weird. This is abnormal. This is strange," because that's going to fuel the secondary emotion of being anxious about the anxiety. Look at it as a problem to solve?as a scientist. And you already have two cues, and you can elaborate on those when we get off the phone on your own as an ongoing project. Being by yourself?when you think of being by yourself, what imagery comes to mind? What are the fears?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

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What?when you think of being by yourself?what imagery comes to mind? What are the fears?

I guess?well, I mean, during the day, it's okay. I mean, I study a lot, so I'm by myself. So that's kind of part?yeah, I think part of the problem, I don't get a lot.

You need the cognitions. You actually need the thoughts and the cognitions of?if that fear could speak, what would it whisper to you?

Like, I hate, I hate?I don't know, being alone. I don't know.

Being alone, because what will happen? If you hate it, that means that there's some threat, some uncertainty, something uncontrollable, something that's causing a lot of stress. What category would that be in? What comes to your mind?

I guess fear of the unknown, like what's out there, and I can't control it.

Okay, but what unknown? Are you worried about a terrorist attack? Probably not. I don't know. I mean, are you worried about going to the bathroom in the bed? I mean, there's a whole range of possibilities.

I guess, like, somebody coming in and not being able to defend myself. I know it's kind of weird.

Okay, you hear the word weird? Yeah. It's causal. So figure out in your life when that threat might have occurred. Was there any reality based to that? Was there a movie you saw? Was it something that happened, or a family story that was passed down where someone did threaten or come in the house? And again, we won't be able to do that all now, but that's the beginning of introspection. You look for the cognitions.

If you want more information on how to do this, I love cognitive therapy. "Cognitions" is just a dressed-up way of saying thinking?your thoughts. What are the thoughts underlying your emotion of anxiety? Anxiety means uncertainty. You're feeling uncertain. Sometimes it means self-doubt too. You don't know if you can manage what will happen.

People who have served in the war?you know, I have a family member who served in World War II, and had difficulty sleeping because he was afraid to be attacked. You know, that's common. So figure out what in your context leads you to that emotion, Ryan. And you can always look up cognitive therapy. I have a link to it at my website, DrKenner.com. Listen, I want to thank you so much for your call.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

I can't believe you don't want to go to your own son's graduation.

It's not a graduation. He is moving from the fourth grade to the fifth grade. It's a ceremony. It's psychotic. They keep creating new ways to celebrate mediocrity. But if someone is genuinely exceptional?

How about you, Bob? This is about Dash.

You want to do something for Dash? Then let him actually compete. Let him go out for sports. It'd be great.

And that's something we can all use. You don't want to have an easy win?just somebody saying, ?Oh, that was great,? for something that is mediocre, that you know is not great. Maybe it's as simple as a meal that you cooked and it wasn't that great, and somebody's saying, ?Oh, it's the best meal I've ever had.? Or maybe it's an accomplishment that you passed your course with a C, and somebody says, ?Oh, how fabulous.?

And what does that do when you get the A? It just undermines it. If you work on another course and you get an A, it just undermines the credibility of the person speaking. It undermines the causal link between your effort and the emotional reward that you get. It levels everybody. It's that equality that doesn't work. Everybody is equal. Everybody is not equal. Some of us make better choices. Some of us make bad choices. Some of us occasionally make bad choices, and we want to better those choices so we can enjoy our lives.

And we need to reward the good people and call the people who are making bad choices?including ourselves?on the carpet. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner, and my show is The Rational Basis of Happiness. I'm a clinical psychologist.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

How do you make yourself worthy? Genuine self-esteem comes from relying on your power to think. Here are some examples of what this means: thinking about the long-range consequences of your actions, not just about the short-range. Are you thinking about plans for retirement, the health consequences of your lifestyle? Making firm decisions about your life rather than drifting aimlessly. Do you think about finding a job that you really enjoy? Choosing your own values rather than thoughtlessly copying what others seek? Do you copy your parents? or peers? values without thinking, or do you choose your own?

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.