The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and @amazon.com
Ted, you're under a lot of stress right now.
Yeah, it's been going on since about '05. Two back surgeries. Because of that, I couldn't do my job, so I lost that job. I did get another job; my pay cut is about 50%. That was one of the stressors in my marriage, and that cost me a 25-year marriage.
Wow.
You know, both my parents died. I have a dysfunctional family, so we're not getting together over the estate. Plus my family pets died, and I've been extremely optimistic. I'm looking at all this as opportunities, new doors to go through, and I'm being positive, optimistic. I've been doing a bunch of reading?yeah, that everything happens for a reason, I believe. You don't know the answer now, but maybe later. And that is one thing. I'm running out of positive, optimistic energy and thought to keep it going, that's one thing.

But the other thing I've noticed lately, which is a bad habit, is?it's like a bridge or a crutch?but I find myself quietly, to myself, being judgmental externally of other people. Like I'll see, you know, many walking down the street full of tattoos and piercings and baggy pants, and when they should be working and they're not, or somebody who's on welfare or something like that, and they've got a better car than me. And I'm using that as a crutch to keep myself up, which is really bad.
I'm not?what do you say to yourself?
I? you know, I just change the subject now, like, ?What are you doing?? you know? And I? you know, it's not a good thought. I know it's the wrong way to think.
But what?s the thought in your mind, Ted?
That I?m falling down the ladder. You know, that I'm not going to amount to anything. And I know I am, but I'm just running out of the positive juice. I'm just running out of gas.

Okay, let's go right to the positive juice then. You're doing something good, which is that you're very motivated to keep the optimism?enough to give me a call. You're very motivated. And you can name your stressors. It's not like you're in the situation of saying, ?Oh, just a lot has happened. Oh, I don't know what.? You're not leaving it vague in your mind. You're pinpointing it: two back surgeries, a lost job, job pay cut, loss of a 25-year marriage, parents died, dysfunctional family, your pet died. You've got so much that you're dealing with.

How do people get through losses like that and still keep their optimism? Well, number one, you want to have what my favorite, favorite author calls ?good premises??good psychological premises, a good foundation. And that's why I said you're doing something very good: because you're wanting to keep your optimism. You don't have a ?throw up your arms and give up, what's the use, why bother? attitude.

So it?s: How do you get through this? You?ve got multiple, multiple stressors in your life, and when you're on overload with stress, you have got to be very good to your own mind. And when I'm on overload with many stressors?because I'm a psychologist, I can use the skills I teach and now I better use them?I think of it as having many things pressing on my mind, all wanting attention.

You know, ?I need to deal with the loss of the marriage, there are a lot of unfinished loose ends there, there are problems with my siblings.? You need to first list them and then?as if they were a bunch of little kids in line saying, ?Me first, Mommy! Me first, Daddy! Me first! Me first!??like all of these stressors. Although kids are not always stressors; they?re darling at times.
You want to be able to say, ?Okay, I need to line you up in terms of priority.?
Yeah, I've been trying that, but unfortunately I do have five that are all on the same plate. I can't push any of them off. I do have them in priority, but they all have to be on the same plate.
Okay, what are the five?
Well, I had a two-year relationship with a girl, and that just ended. So now I'm living in somebody's basement, so I'm in the process of making myself a home to live in.
Okay, that's one.
My marriage?the divorce has been going on for two and a half years. That isn't final, but I got all the court stuff done. So that's that.
The only good thing I have right now is I enjoy my job. I don't make a lot of money, but I enjoy it.
Okay, that's another wonderful anchor for yourself. When you go through a lot of stressors, you need a lifeline?or a life raft. You need to keep values in that life raft: things you enjoy doing. If your job, the thing that you spend a bulk of time on during the day, is in that life raft for you, you know, something you really enjoy, that's phenomenal.

So you want to milk that joy and let your mind rest there. Take breaks there, thinking about your job. If there's a hobby or something else you enjoy?you may not have time for that?but you want to be able to bring things into your life that may not cost anything. You know, it can be just a walk outside that you would enjoy or a visit to a friend's house or something. You need to have values in your life.
Right. Currently at this stage I don't have that free time. I spend it with my one son who does communicate with me on the weekends.
Okay, but that's a value, I'm assuming.
Yeah.
Oh, it's extremely valuable.
Yeah.
So it's okay. You've got two values. So those are wonderful. You need to recognize?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that?s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance.
?I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where?s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance?a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com, huh? The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.?

It's okay. You've got two values, so those are wonderful. You need to recognize that some things are completely out of your control?meaning you can't bring your parents back to life, obviously, and you can't fix your siblings. And you don't want to make that your responsibility. You would rob yourself of the time with your son and your job.

So it's really focusing on what you value most. In terms of ?things happen for a reason,? I don't keep that premise for myself. I have a wonderful optimism, but I say that some things happen because they're just coincidence?something I can always grow from anything that happens. So I love that premise of yours.
Right, right.
But to think that there's some reason that somebody is purposefully?like I'm a puppet?and they're purposefully doing something so that it will be good for me, you know, teach me a lesson?that, to me, doesn't work for me. It feels fatalistic, it feels mystical, it just doesn't work.
Yeah, a little spiritual.
Yes.
Yeah.
And I don't like that for myself because it?s a scary thought. You want to know that you can know things and not have some scary reason why things are happening. You want to be able to take action on the things that you can take action on. You need to know that things are somewhat beyond your control?like back surgeries.

And again, prioritizing your top goals is what I would recommend. Listen, I wish we had more time, but just cherish your good values and your good premises?your good ideas that you do have?and recognize that you do have them, and prioritize the rest.
Great. Thank you very much.
Oh, you're welcome, Ted. Bye-bye.

And here?s a little more from Dr. Kenner.
?How is Frederick??
?Well, as you know, I've enrolled him in that chess camp in the Berkshires. Every day after lunch they go for a nature walk. Unfortunately, Frederick is allergic to seven different varieties of ivy, so he has to wear long sleeves and long pants, a bonnet with a net on it.?
?Boy, you sure hope the other campers don't make fun of him.?
?Oh, I'm sure they don't. You know how kind kids can be.?

And that's from Frasier. And you can imagine?or even think back in your own life?to times when you just felt mortified. I remember the time I had to wear a retainer. I didn't even have to wear braces, but I remember walking into my class?my English class?and this was in, we called it junior high school at the time (middle school). And I felt mortified. Totally mortified. I didn't want to open up my mouth. I was sure people were making fun of me.

Of course, all that?s in my head; they were all involved in their own lives. I was just very sensitive. But kids do make fun of other kids, which we all have probably been the butt of?or maybe we've been on the side of teasing other kids.

And if your kids are dealing with those issues?they have a bully in their life?or if you as an adult have a bully in your life, I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner. I'm a clinical psychologist. You can pick up the phone and give me a call.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner.
The main virtue that makes you lovable is rationality. Attempting to have a romantic relationship with an irrational person is a living nightmare. You cannot reason with an irrational person. Facts and logical arguments have no effect on this person. You cannot understand them because they are full of unresolved contradictions. They are unpredictable because they often act on whim. You cannot feel fully understood because they don't consistently use reason to understand you. All this is anathema to romance. Furthermore, irrationality will undermine all the other virtues, because they are all aspects of rationality. Irrationality at the deepest level amounts to the rejection of facts and logic, which means the rejection of reality.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at amazon.com.