The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. I am 47 years old, and I work day in and day out with my 53-year-old sister, Carla. She giggles through every single sentence when things are not funny at all. I realize the psychology of this is that she feels insecure. My question to you is, how can I handle this? Because it is so unnerving and irritating to listen to her laugh, but I don't want to hurt her feelings, and I've also heard comments from others at work that they do not think she is the sharpest tool in the shed. I fear it's because of her inappropriate giggling. Thank you, Maggie.

So, Maggie, when anybody hears nervous laughter, it makes us feel anxious because we wish the person were more relaxed, especially if it's your sibling—your older sibling in this case. So, let's take a look first at nervous laughter and then at what you can do.

Nervous laughter is going to be hard on, as I just said, the people listening, and it's also hard on your sister, Carla, because she is sending mixed messages and masked messages. You don't know what she's laughing at. The laughter isn't pure. She's not responding, obviously, to something funny; rather, she's camouflaging other emotions. That's what nervous laughter is. And what does it do to Carla? Well, it prevents her from being true to herself. She's not able to get out the underlying feelings—the nervous part of nervous laughter.

So why do any of us laugh nervously? If you think about it, there could be multiple reasons, and then we'll tie them all together at the end.

One reason is that maybe you feel really shy or insecure. You're meeting someone on a date for the first time, or you're going to a job for the first time, and you're just feeling that stress, and that stress is coming out as a "Hi, how are you?"—that nervous laugh.

Or you could feel embarrassed. Maybe someone spilled coffee on you, and it's on your favorite shirt. You're thinking, "Oh, I wish I could take this in a lighter sense, but I love this shirt. I'm really upset, but I don't want to show it." So you say, "Oh no, it's okay, it's okay. You know, it's funny, you spilled coffee on me," but you're nervously laughing.

Or maybe you observed a trauma. My husband and I will watch, on very rare occasions, maybe once a year, "Funniest Home Videos." And it's always the same: you see a clip in which a girl is riding her bike, and they say, "Now what is she going to hit—her head, her stomach, or her leg?" And she falls on her head. And then you hear the canned laughter, or the laughter in the audience if it's live, but it's a nervous laughter. It's not funny. I don’t get it with those clips.

Another reason could be that you're covering up a lie. Maybe a politician is saying something he truly doesn’t believe, and you hear the, "Isn’t that right? Aren’t we all happy?"—that forced laugh, and it betrays the lie. We listen to him, and we know he’s not being sincere.

Or, lastly, you could feel very angry. Maybe a wife is very upset with her husband, and she wants to yell at him, or she even has the urge to push him or something, and instead, she laughs. That laugh comes out, and it’s really a lot of stress and anxiety.

So what is the same in all these situations?

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: "The Selfish Path to Romance," a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh? "The Selfish Path to Romance"—that is interesting.

So, what is the same in all these situations? It’s not laughter; it’s not that joyous belly laugh, that humorous laugh. It’s not that celebratory laugh, that laugh of celebration or release or a delightful laugh. It is anxiety. It is a feeling of being at odds with yourself. You’re hiding deeper emotions.

Now let's come back to your sister, Carla. How do you deal with her nervous laugh when you have to work next to her every single day, and it's driving you crazy? You’re 47, she’s 53, so how do you deal with an older sister?

There are some situations that you want to check out that could be medical. For example, instead of rushing to think your sister's insecure, maybe she does need a medical checkup because vascular problems, such as a stroke, could mask that. But if you know your sister's insecure, it could be just insecurity. You also want to rule out things like a tic disorder, hypomania, or maybe some other psychological problems.

So what can you say to your sister? Well, you have options. Do you have an option to work away from her at work? Maybe you don’t have to work side by side with her every day, or maybe you could change jobs.

The second option is to ask yourself, "What do I want to accomplish by speaking up to my sister?" Do you just want to vent? Do you want to reach out to her? Do you want to get closer to her?

Assuming that you've sent body language that lets her know that you're uncomfortable with her, at a time when you're both relaxed, you could say, "Carla, I think we both know that I get frustrated with your laughter. I'm also curious if you ever feel open to talking about it. I'm certainly willing. I'm wondering if I play a role in it. I'd like for us to feel more at home with one another." Then you can both learn assertiveness skills, because that would give you a way to express yourself to your sister without attacking her, and it may be the best gift you ever gave her.

Sometimes being quiet when you observe something in someone you love doesn't help them change the problem, and they continue relating that way without a way to change. So you could even get some help for yourself or for Carla in dealing with this issue from AcademyofCT.org—that’s Academy of Cognitive Therapy dot org.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from "The Selfish Path to Romance" by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

The former slim prom queen who is now obese shocks us because it reflects her lack of pride in her appearance. Serious psychological issues may underlie such a lack of self-care. For example, a sexually abused woman may label herself as damaged goods and then keep on the extra pounds to avoid looking sexually attractive. Sometimes individuals are just too depressed or busy to make an effort to look better. It’s too much work to wear clean clothes or put on makeup. Ignoring one’s looks may follow a failed romance; after being hurt, some just give up. Some feel they would be caving into cultural pressure if they improve their looks. Others feel too meek and humble to make the most of their looks, fearing they’ll be seen as vain. They fail to understand that looking nice is not the same as being obsessed with looks.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.