The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Here's a question I received from someone just getting out of a divorce and wanting to meet new people. And his name is highly motivated. So, highly motivated, this is: Hello Dr. Kenner. As a man just getting through a divorce, separated over a year and nearing the completion of the legal work, I want to meet new women. Early on, I had one post-separation fling, but it was dissatisfying and superficial, and I'd rather not do that again. That being said, I want to have fun and meet new people, maintain my values, my honesty, and yet I know I'm not ready for full-out romance. Basically, I'm unsure how to handle the stigma of being recently divorced, while also wanting companionship and fun. I'm having trouble meeting my goals. How do I meet new people and be true to myself? I pride myself on being honest, and yet that pride seems to be scaring people off. Is there a better way to keep my values and not scare people off?

Well, first, why don't I call you John here instead of highly motivated? First, John, you do want to scare some people off—the people who aren't interested in you. You don't want to waste your time with them. So if I were recently divorced, or if my husband had died and I was not quite ready for a romance but I definitely wanted companionship, and I definitely wanted to start the process, even though I'm not ready for marriage right away again, then what I would want to do is to rule out a lot of people who don’t want me. If they don't want somebody whose husband died or somebody who's been through a divorce, then they're not going to be a good companion for me. So I need to be able to strengthen myself, to be able to take that type of rejection, and then I can put out feelers. I can meet people. And if I can be honest, I don't have to betray myself. I can say, "Hey, look, I'm just going through a divorce, and this is what I'm looking for. I'm looking for companionship. I'm not ready to jump into a serious relationship yet. I don't think it would be fair to me or the other person. If it develops that way, so be it. I would enjoy friendship and companionship. And if you're up for that, I'd enjoy going out to dinner this weekend or just seeing a movie with you." You've got your honesty there. You're not deceiving them. If somebody says "No, thank you," or "Oh, who is this dude?" then good. You rule them out. Don't damn yourself for that. You're presenting yourself as who you are. If you lied and you said that you are other than you were—if you said, "Hey, look, I'm definitely looking for a serious relationship,"—now you've created a huge problem because you're deceiving the person and you're living a double life within yourself. Don't do that to yourself, and I don't think you would, because you said you're an honest person.

The other thing is, how do you get over the stigma of a divorce? Well, really, some people need to just go through a grieving process. I mean, in very few situations does divorce run smoothly. Many times there's a lot of pain, and if you see yourself as damaged goods filled with a lot of baggage, then you want to work through some of that baggage so that you know what you're looking for. You learn from your missteps in the divorce, and you can move on if you reframe it as a learning experience. The marriage was a learning experience, and you're coming out stronger for it. It was a rational choice to end the unsatisfying relationship, and you grew from that, assuming that you did and you're looking for a better match. Then there's no stigma. There's no stigma. So many people are divorced nowadays that the only stigma you can get is from an occasional person who sees it. They'll roll their eyes and, you know, that's their issue. You don't know what they're reacting to. Maybe their parents got divorced, and they just don't like that, but it doesn't say anything about you. What you do to yourself can be very damaging, and you don't want to make that mistake.

So, what I recommend is a book I've written with Ed Locke. It's called The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason, and the selfish there means self-valuing, self-respect, not taking advantage of anyone else. We have a whole section on finding your soulmate, how to introspect and understand your own emotions, and how to choose the right partner. We have several chapters on that, so I hope that helps you, and good luck with that.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Here's another question I received. This is from a woman who has anxiety issues, and her legs have been shaking. She says it happens mostly in public places, and she recently started college, and she's finding it very difficult to concentrate with the anxiety. What should she do? I would recommend a book, Study Methods and Motivation by Ed Locke, if she is in school, because proper motivation is essential for giving yourself a direction. Anxiety comes from two sources. One is from uncertainty about big things, big anxiety, big uncertainty. Are you worried about career? Are you worried about friendships? Even though you feel comfortable about people, is there another aspect in which you feel judged? You need to ask yourself a lot of questions. But that book was very helpful to me going through college—Study Methods and Motivation. Then you can also look into cognitive therapy and learn some wonderful skills from another book, Mind Over Mood, which you could get at my website, DrKenner.com. You need to explore your anxiety. When do I feel most anxious? What time of day? Who’s with me? What thoughts are going through my mind? You can look at the lovely exceptions—when do I feel more relaxed, at peace with myself, and who am I with? So, you want to realize that anxiety has a cause. You can get cognitive therapy too, if you want, but if you're having thoughts like "Oh, my God, what if?"—take a very close look at those thoughts, and maybe get that book Mind Over Mood and learn how to do a thought record. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Doctors Kenner and Locke. Most couples make precious little time for romantic moments. Making a relationship work and keeping the romance alive takes motivation, time, planning, and communication. Even small misunderstandings can destroy your romantic moment, and accumulated, festering misunderstandings can destroy your romance. When you are juggling dual careers, work schedules, kids, paying bills, in-law visits, checking email, doing laundry and dishes, and getting daily exercise, how do you find the spare time for romance? Notice a problem with the way this last sentence was phrased—spare time. What ranking was romance assigned? Where did it come in terms of priorities? It is true that active, productive people have to make time for sex, but intimacy shouldn't be relegated to the category of a spare-time activity.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.