The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Paul, the selfish path to romance.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com

Paul, you're dealing with some anxiety.

Yeah, I have some severe anxiety.

Oh, severe, yeah.

It started with a health issue earlier this year, back in February. I stopped. Well, I was dealing with it for quite a while, and after three months, decided to take an SSRI, okay, and was feeling a lot better on it, but I have an aversion to taking medication, so I stopped. Yeah.

With medication, yeah, your doctor knows you stopped?

Yes, okay, yeah.

They believe I should be on it for a year, but I'm not open to doing that, yeah. So what I am trying to figure out is, well, what happened when I stopped the medication was the anxiety came back full force, right? Felt good for about three weeks, was on it for about two months, and then from there, was in not good shape for a couple of weeks after that. And that's where I'm at right now.

Okay, so I'm trying to figure out how long I should be taking the SSRI. It’s on a relatively low dose, but when I tried to stop it, I didn't really have any side effects.

Yeah, his side just came back.

Here’s what I think about medication, assuming that you don’t have a brain tumor, you’re not dealing with something that’s totally out of your control.

Most psychological—

Pardon, clean bill of health.

Clean bill of health.

Oh, that's nice, considering you had health problems that started the anxiety, huh?

Right, right. Yeah, it was a minor health problem.

Okay, so what I like using medication for, if people want to use it at all, is to bring them to a point where they’re capable of focusing and learning thinking skills—skills that help them understand what anxiety is, what triggered their own anxiety, what methods to use to reduce their anxiety. And you gain such self-esteem from doing that, that you can then taper off the pills or work with your medical doctor to reduce the pills, depending on which ones you're taking. You know, your doctor will give you guidance, and as long as you can see that the changes are coming, initially, a little bit of a boost from the pills can help you focus. But once you have skills, guess what? You don't need as much anymore.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Ah, here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it on Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

Initially, a little bit of a boost from the pills to help you focus. But once you have skills, guess what? You don’t need as much anymore. The pills, right? Pills don’t teach skills. That is one of the themes of cognitive therapy.

So, do you know anything about cognitive therapy, or just those two big words I'm just throwing out?

Yeah, no, I’ve done biofeedback and cognitive therapy and other therapy. And the problem is, I don’t think I was very receptive to it, because I wasn’t thinking that clearly. Yeah, because I haven’t really been on the medication for the last six months. I’ve only been on medication where I felt well for three weeks.

Okay, so that would be one option that's open to you if you open up the door a little for yourself. I know initially you said you don't want to go back on the pills at all if you didn’t have horrible side effects; it's just that you want to eventually get off the pills. You could consider going back on the pills to learn the skills so that you can taper off the pills again.

Yeah, I had to go back on the pills. Okay, tapered just a little bit, and even that minor, 30% taper was enough to really cause a problem. So I had to go back on the medication.

Okay, so if your goal is to taper off the pills, or better yet, if we phrase it that your goal is to get a handle on your anxiety. Do you know where anxiety—do you know what the theme is behind anxiety? The emotion of anxiety, when, whether I feel it, whether my husband feels it, whether my kids feel it, or you feel it. The theme behind anxiety is uncertainty. Anxiety is a future-focused emotion. There’s something that I feel—it’s two things, certainty or self-doubt. So, there are many situations that I can get into where I feel a little anxious, something new. Maybe if somebody’s dating somebody new, they might feel anxious, you know, on that first date, or they're starting a new job, or they're worried they may lose their job, or they may be having some financial problems, or they're having marital problems, or they're having problems with their kids, and they don't know what the future looks like, because they can’t see any clear solution, then they are swimming in uncertainty over big values.

One of the things worried about is the derealization, or this inability to concentrate very well, yeah, and that has come when the anxiety comes. Yeah, that's one thing that cleared up pretty well when I was on the medication and feeling well for those three weeks. So I guess that does help with the clarity of thinking. To be honest, for a little while, my concern is that regardless of how long I’m on it, once I stop or even taper down the medication—

Yeah, slowly.

Yeah, that the anxiety will come back.

Okay, so look at what thought you have. Cognition is just a fancy word for thoughts, the thought that, Oh my God, listen, I was on Ambien for a short period of time because I wasn’t able to get to sleep, and I wanted to get off Ambien like the dickens, but I had the fear that, what if I get off, then I won’t be able to sleep, right? So guess what thought was getting in my way of sleeping the minute I got off Ambien? Guess what I’m thinking? Oh my god, what if I can’t sleep tonight? And what do you think that does? Help me just go into a wonderful, smooth, soothing sleep? Or does that rev me up and worry, Am I falling asleep? Now? Will I fall asleep?

So you’re saying that just how you look at it is the way around it?

So you reframe it. Cognitive Therapy skill is reframing, Paul. You reframe it to say, you know, I may not be able to sleep a little bit, or, in your case, I may feel a little anxious. And so what? Who cares? I’ve got some skills to deal with it, and I’m not going to make a big deal out of this. I refuse to say, Oh my God, what if. That’s what people say when they're anxious. Oh my God, what if? And they predict something negative, right? So that I would get, I would get a book—there’s actually one, When Panic Attacks. You didn't mention panic attacks, but it’s got a lot of skills by David Burns. Or there are many other books that help you deal with anxiety. I think I have on my website The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, or, you know, working through anxiety. Learn as many cognitive therapy skills as you can, and even if some don't work, some may, and it will liberate you to play around with improving your life and getting more mastery over your mind. Thank you so much for your call, Paul.

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Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

One way to cherish your partner is to be reasonably generous with your time. Cook a special meal, make your partner a romantic card, write a tender email that expresses your love accurately, or take the kids for the day and let your partner have the day off. You might also offer to run errands or do chores if your partner is busy with a work project. Generosity sometimes involves sharing one’s belongings. There may be particular objects you don’t want to share, such as a toothbrush or comb, but there may be many things you can share with pleasure, such as favorite cookbooks or clothes, sweaters, T-shirts, caps, cars, food, laptop computers, and cameras. Of course, partners shouldn’t take unfair advantage of one another by monopolizing something the other person needs, such as a computer.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book on Amazon.com.