The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Debbie, you want to figure out how to bring some sunshine back into your life, some happiness into your life?

Yeah.

What?s going on?

Well, I was married for 32 years, but I got a divorce back in the early ?80s. I caught my husband with my sister.

With your sister?

And so I raised my boys, yeah, and we stayed together?my youngest son.

When you say you stayed together, you divorced your husband, right?

And we got back together.

Oh, you did get back together.

I wanted my sons to have their dad because I couldn?t think of anybody else getting on to them.

Okay. How old were your kids?

They were about four and two at the time, real little ones. And then I struggled, and then we stayed together, and then things got better.

Your sister was out of the picture, I take it?

Well, no. In my heart, being nice to someone makes me feel better. I couldn?t just be rude and mean and hateful.

Okay, but she did betray you in the biggest way possible.

But anyway, she did. And you don?t want to be mean and rude and hateful to the person I?m speaking with?meaning you, right?

I don?t be mean to myself, because I like myself pretty good.

Yes, that?s very good. So what?s the situation now? What else do I need to know to get me to the situation now?

Well, I lost my son.

It was 22?what happened?

An accident.

Just recently?

It will be two years, February the 11th.

Okay, very, very painful. A car accident?

Yes.

And what do you do? What have you gotten help since then? Have you gone?

No. No, I just?I don?t want to be put on medication.

Okay. Maybe you could see a cognitive therapist, because they will give you a lot of good coping skills, good thinking skills. But anyway, tell me what?s going on. So you lost your son two years ago, yes, and it?s still very raw. I can hear that.

Yes.

And then three years in July is when I left my ex-husband, but we stayed together for so long.

Okay.

Then I met the guy that was my first love.

Yeah.

And he?s not a family-type person. And I thought that?I guess maybe I go for the weaker people, thinking that I can make things better. But I?m just not happy.

Okay. So let me see if I hear you correctly. You have multiple traumas in your life. Three major ones that you?re telling me right now are that you found your husband sleeping with your sister. You divorced him?this is years ago?and then you chose to get back together with him, and to turn the other cheek with your sister, and to try to move on. But the scars are still there. They never go away. I don?t even need to tell you that?you know that.

Then you had one of the most horrific tragedies a mom can have, which is to lose a son?to lose somebody who?s healthy. It wasn?t even to cancer, because then you know there?s not much you can do. It?s to an accident, a car accident. And was your relationship okay with him when he died?

Oh, honey, he was my best friend.

He was your buddy.

He was my best friend.

Believe it or not, that makes it easier. I mean, it makes it very hard because you love him. Sometimes when a mother loses a son and they were very bitter toward one another, there?s no way to ever repair that. Whereas your lasting memories?nobody in the world can take that away. Oh honey, that warmth you have with your son is for life. Now he?s not around, but your memories are still around. Your memories of him will be around for as long as you live. You?ll carry that with you.

So then you met someone that you thought?he was your first love before you met your husband?

Yes, he was my first love.

And you thought that he would make you happy?

Yes.

And so now?

I just couldn?t take his controlling type. I like to live in peace and harmony and trust. And if things happen, it happens. But I had an accident. It paralyzed me.

Your accident paralyzed you?

Yes, for about two years. And then I got up and going. But where I worked, they made me go out on disability, so I don?t make much money. But you try to go get a job, and they think, ?Oh, you?re on disability, you may get hurt, you may not walk again easily, be paralyzed.? They don?t want to take that risk no more. And I?m used to being independent.

Okay. So let me tell you your goal. You?re wanting to be happy. First, let me give you some organization with this.

Hey, I?ve got to interrupt this because we?ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that?s it. A very quick ad, and then I?ll be back.

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You?re wanting to be happy. First, let me give you some organization with this.

Number one, with your son, you need to go through the grief. If you have not had counseling with that, I would see if you could get some supportive therapy with that from a cognitive therapist. You can go to AcademyOfCTC.org and find a therapist in your area, in your part of the country.

That would be number one, to realize that grieving is a process. You need to understand the death. You need to experience the pain?not that you milk it. You don?t want to have the pain for life?but you need to let your mind come to terms with it. You need to realize that you want your life to go on. You have to form a new identity without being with your son and keep him alive in a way that?s very personal to you, very nice to you. So that?s the first piece.

The second piece?yes, if you think you have a pattern of picking up weaker men who need to be rescued and need to feel good about themselves by controlling you, very good that you can pick that up, because that will make you more aware going forward. When you choose the next person, try to find one that has some good self-esteem and doesn?t need to control you.

And the last thing is that you want to have some purpose in life, some career, some job?even if it?s volunteer work?something that gives you a sense of purpose. It?s always great to make money, though. So don?t give up on yourself. I would keep looking and keep thinking outside of the square. Maybe there?s something you can do that you never thought of that would give you a wonderful source of income.

So I want to thank you so much for the call, Deb.

And here?s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

What is all that stuff? Do you always carry this in your bag?

Yeah.

Are you going to be like a shopping bag lady, sit in alleyways and talk to buildings and wear men?s shoes and that kind of thing?

And that?s from The Breakfast Club. None of us want to be a person who?s homeless or doing nothing with their life. The whole goal of your life is to find a purpose that you love and make plans to pursue it. And even if it?s not something you can reach immediately?like many careers that take longer-term goals?can you at least get a job to earn the money toward that career, to go back to school, to take some steps toward your dreams?

Don?t give up on your dreams, as long as they are realistic. For example, if I wanted to be a brain surgeon, obviously at this stage in my life I?m not going to become one, and I wouldn?t be accepted into medical school at my age. But if you have realistic goals, really, really value yourself enough so that you pursue them. Don?t let anyone talk you out of them if they?re realistic and they?re your goals and they?re your dreams.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

Romantic partners need to communicate constantly?but about what? The possibilities are endless. Be creative. Revealing things about yourself?your likes and dislikes, your attitudes and values?can be very effective. Tell your partner what you like, such as, ?Boy, do I appreciate it when I come home late and I smell dinner cooking?thanks,? or ?I love the way you look in that suit.? If you don?t like something your partner does, communicate this in a positive way. For example, ?Sweetheart, I enjoy making love with you most when you?ve just showered and your breath is fresh.?

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.