The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com.

Shaheen, you're feeling guilty about divorcing your wife.

Hello.

Hello. Shaheen, hi. How are you?

Good.

You're feeling guilty about divorcing your wife.

I know it's not guilt. The reason I'm calling is because of anxiety, okay, as well as anger. In terms of guilt, I had a secondary question whether or not guilt has anything to do with feelings of responsibility.

Oh, guilt has everything to do with your standards of what's good and bad. And yes, guilt is the emotion that tells me, ?Ellen, you acted against your own moral standards,? right? But sometimes, or many times, we feel guilty and we didn't earn it. We didn't do anything wrong, but we are blaming ourselves anyway. Our standards may not be proper.

I'm having a very difficult time hearing you. Could you speak up a little bit?

Okay, so guilt means you're acting against your own moral standards. But we don't always set proper standards. So many times we suffer unnecessarily with unearned guilt, guilt that we have not earned. So you said that. Tell me what's going on with your divorce that's causing the anxiety and anger?

Well, the anger is because I found out that this was a pre-existing condition.

Okay, the pre-existing condition is what?

Basically, after I took my wife to the doctor and then the hospital, they went through a variety of tests, and then they diagnosed her with MS, multiple sclerosis.

Okay, so she has MS. How long have you been married?

We've been married for about?well, I mean, our separation was in April of last year, yeah, but we got married actually in June of 2008.

So you were married for how long?

We were married for about, let's say, nine months. Okay, we only lived together for about a month.

Okay, if I understand the story correctly, then you married your wife without knowing that she had MS?

Yes, that's right.

And you found out within a month, or you found out very shortly after you married?

After we got married, we didn't live together for a while because she came from another country. And when she arrived, she was hospitalized within four days, yeah, and the doctor told me that it is MS right away.

And you think she knew it in advance?

Sorry?

You think that she knew that in advance?

Well, after being hospitalized for 16 days and after the insurance that I had taken out for her went and investigated her past medical history, they found out that it was pre-existing and they didn't cover her expenses.

Okay, meaning that when they did the investigative work, or when you found out that she had had it in this other country?what was the other country?

Iran.

Iran. Okay, so she came over with MS. You're thinking that she didn't have any health problems, and suddenly you're married to somebody who has very serious health problems, and you're angry because you think she lied to you. She knew it in advance, and either she knew it or her parents knew.

So meaning that you feel set up.

That's right. Well, I feel very angry because, I mean, that was something that I should have known. I mean, had I known that she had MS, I probably wouldn't have married her.

Okay.

Did you know her at all before she came over, or was it an arranged marriage?

Hey, I?ve got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship.

Well, I wish I knew more about what I want.

Where's that ad I saw? Here it is. The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com.

Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

Okay, did you know her at all before she came over, or was it an arranged marriage?

Well, I did my best to get to know her.

Yeah, by email or how?

Well, also by spending about a month with her.

Okay, over in Iran?

Okay.

And nothing came out then about health problems?

Well, the only thing that I saw in her was some sleeplessness or insomnia. I didn't know which it was. But I mean, I didn't make too much out of it.

Yeah.

So what would you like some help with?

Sorry?

What would you like me to help you with?

Why am I consulting you?

Yes. What question do you have that you would like answered?

How do I get over, first of all, the anger that I feel toward her and her family, as well as how do I overcome this anxiety? Because, I mean, a lot of things that I've been doing have basically been put on a back burner. I am behind in my work, in everything, everyday life, and it's causing a lot of anxiety for me.

When did you arrive at the fact that she might create greater liabilities for you?

But you've divorced her. You've divorced her. I thought you were totally out of each other's lives now, or do you?

Yes, but when you bring someone over from another country, you sponsor her.

Oh, okay, so you feel trapped. You feel tricked. What are your options? Can you unsponsor her?

I cannot.

No, that's the problem. When does it end?

Well, she arrived in February, so it's another two years and one month.

So you have to sponsor her for two years and one month. Does that mean in case there are other expenses, or in case she asks for help from the government or something, they may come after you?

Okay, I think you need legal protection, the best legal protection that you can find, and that's out of my field of expertise. I think in terms of your anger and anxiety, you want to focus it on protecting yourself and see if there's any way?anger is helpful if there's any way that you can undo the injustice. If you don't want to be married to her, if you don't want the responsibility for her, if you feel that you were deceived by her parents because it was pre-existing, then you have every right to try to pursue legal means to cut ties with her and her family, right? And that's the legal issue.

In terms of the anger, you want to use it to motivate you, not to get revenge at her family, because that's just going to complicate your life, but to focus it on how you can minimize the burden for the next two or so years that you have it. Two years will go by fairly fast, and then you're free of her.

Yes.

So you want to keep your mind focused on what you can do now, knowing that it's not going to last forever, luckily. The anxiety means there's uncertainty, and the uncertainty is how do you deal with it, which legal advice will help you with.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world famous for his theories in goal setting.

Sharing information and problems, including fears, is another important part of communication.

?Honey, I worry sometimes that my business will fail and I'll leave you and the kids with nothing.?

This underscores a key issue that comes up in many marriages: finances. In the past, men typically took charge of finances and didn't want their wives to worry about them, leaving their wives in the financial dark. This traditional view is not necessarily based on bad motives on the man's part. It may stem from his protective attitude toward his wife.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.