The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

In the Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

We all have to face the fact that we're not here forever. We're going to die. And I'll tell you what I did in a moment. But how do you deal with that? This is from a college student. And think about when you were this age. Maybe you are this age right now, but dear, what went through your mind?

Dear Dr. Kenner,

I'm 19 and in college. For the past few weeks, all I think about is dying. I have thanatophobia. That's just fear of dying, and the very notion of me not existing, of not being able to touch, to see, to taste, to smell, to hear, and most of all, to think, has me feeling disconnected from the wonderful things in life all around me, along with my interests and goals.

I was a creative, happy person, always thinking about living, about how to achieve my goal of being a filmmaker. I want to live life to the fullest and be myself, the self, but death looms over my thoughts. Everything seems meaningless and hopeless. Why?

I think it's partly my exposure to the pessimism of the people around me, from my professors, these prestigious professors who are cynical, to my cynical mom. She's pressuring me to stay in this depressing academic environment. I feel she's been manipulating me and my younger siblings and makes things hard for my dad. My parents are divorced.

I have a few friends who are upbeat and rational, and I have a beautiful girlfriend whom I love because of her optimism, but I haven't been able to keep in touch with her or my friends. I'm alone most of the time, struggling to go back to the things I love, but I feel stuck in a box, wondering what I can do in my career or in other parts of my life that will make it worth it in the end.

As an aspiring filmmaker, many of the stories I have come across are of men and women who are heroic and optimistic. I want that in my life again. What should I do?

Thank you for reading,
Joseph.

Joe, this is the battleground within you.

Now, first, I want to say something about thanatophobia. That's just fear of dying or fear of death. Listen, believe me, I have a fear of dying. I don't think about it much, so I really don't have a phobia about it, but I don't want to go through any pain. I have a fear of getting the flu. I don't want to go through pain. None of us like pain. But I don't want to make that the essence of my life and wrap my mind around it.

But fear of dying?this is my view. This helped me a lot. You can read all different views, and religion can really mess people up with this. Or philosophy courses. Kids would come in when I taught at a college counseling center after they had listened to some really weird philosophers, and they were all messed up like this.

So my view is really?

Hey, I?ve got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds. That's it. A very quick ad, and then I'll be back.

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My view is really from a pre-Socratic perspective: I never have to think about my death because I will only be aware of my life. So this view of thinking of myself never seeing, tasting, or thinking when I'm not here?when I'm not here, I'm not here. So there's nothing to think about.

I will live my life to the fullest and expand it out until the day I die, and then I won't know about it anymore. So I have a view that is very helpful to me, to be able to keep in perspective that this is my life, and I am going to live it to the fullest until my last day, as much as I can.

My grandfather wanted me and my uncle to tango two days before he died. We asked him, ?What do you want?? And he said, ?I'd like to see a tango.? So that's what we did.

So a few more thoughts. I think the pressure from your mother is big, and having cynical people around you can definitely color your world in dark tones. But you need to. You need to? all of us need to develop ways to keep our own optimism alive.

So I recommend pushing through the barrier, not feeling like you're in a box, but opening the door and making a phone call to your girlfriend, making a phone call to your friends, and reconnecting with other people, because you don't want these negative views to take root and build into a habit.

I'd also recommend reading The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, because I think you can see that even when everything seems down and out, the hero in it is so wonderful.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here is an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

Romantic partners need to communicate constantly. But about what? The possibilities are endless. Be creative. Revealing things about yourself?your likes and dislikes, your attitudes and values?can be very effective. Tell your partner what you like, such as, ?Boy, do I appreciate it when I come home late and I smell dinner cooking. Thanks.? Or, ?I love the way you look in that suit.?

If you don't like something your partner does, communicate this in a positive way. For example, ?Sweetheart, I enjoy making love with you most when you've just showered and your breath is fresh.?

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.