The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Marie, you're having difficulty. Why don't you tell me your situation and then let me know what your question is.

Okay? Well, first, Dr. Kenner, thank you so much for taking my call.
Oh, you're very welcome. Secondly, well, my mother has dementia. She's 80 years old, and she was kind of overbearing as a parent, and I was one of those kids who did whatever your parents asked you to do, and now I'm having anger issues as she's getting older and more confused. And you know, like, I try to get her to get out, you know, to come out of the house so she's not in the house all the day she doesn't want to. And you know, I'm able to get her exercise some days. You know, it just, I feel like I'm just falling short. And, you know, the confusion and asking the same question several times. I do expect that, but there's some times where it seems like I'm a short fuse. I don't have children and I'm not married, yeah, but, you know, it just seems like it's taking my whole life. And then, kind of not too long ago, I was trying to take care of my mom and work, and then I ended up losing my job. So I'm just taking care of my mother because

taking care of your mom, huh? You lost your job because of taking care of your mom.

I was saying that. I'm sure that was half and half, but I think it also I made an error on my job. Okay, so I just feel kind of trapped. But I want to do the best for my mom, because, you know, you only get one and, you know, yeah, I don't know how to deal with the anger. I just don't want to be angry and snap at her and that kind of thing. I want to be able to be a good daughter and do what's right, and I just feel like I'm at my weekend. So

it's sounding to me like you're feeling that your whole identity is at risk here. You've always had this image of yourself as the good daughter, the conforming daughter, the daughter that did the right thing, right, and now your mother is at we call them end of life issues. She's She's losing her mind, dementia, and it's very sad to see, and you're stepping in to be the good daughter again. And your identity is wrapped around that. And so it's cost you your job, basically, and it's cost you relationships. Really, tell me just a nutshell version. What about relationships? What about friendships? Well,

when I was younger, if you know, there was somebody my mother didn't like, he kind of self-sabotage, for example, if his name was Jack, you know, when, when he called, she said, Hey, David, how are you? That didn't make it good for me and so, and then she had to meet every date I had, which, not that that was a problem. It's just that, you know, it just kind of put a lot of pressure on me.

Why are you not married? Now, I just haven't met

anyone. Well, no one's ever asked me. And secondly, I haven't met anyone that I think I've really connected with. My parents divorced. It was a very bad divorce. They were fighting physically, so it was okay. It kind of made me wonder about the whole marriage thing in the first place. So

you're skeptical anyway about the marriage thing. Yeah,

I'm not sure people can be faithful. And you know what makes two people who think normal erupt to that degree? I

wish you knew our example instead. We've been married for, I don't even know how long, wonderful marriage. Very different scenario. So let me get back here. You it seems like there you say, you have, you have so little time left with your mother. You want to be the good daughter. The what goes through my mind, Marie is, you have so little time left with yourself, with these at this age level. What? How old are you now? 48 you're 48 so you're, let's just say, in the 50s, you're starting, you're getting to midlife. Well, you are our midlife. And this is your only midlife period, your only midlife period, Not Your Mother's. This is your time, your life. So it's it. It's hard to do this when you've framed your identity around being the good kid

you want to be the good kid to yourself,

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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want to be the good kid to yourself, and that means taking care of yourself and listening to your anger. Your anger is the little girl inside of you, or the teenage girl or the young adult who said to Mom, mom, it's David. It's not Jack. I don't ever want you to do that again. Mom, this is my life. Okay? Now maybe you didn't want conflict back. I did not want conflict because there was so much conflict, but then that made it so that it's harder for you to be assertive, it's harder for you to find them. It's not a middle ground, it's a very different track. People tend to be either aggressive in your face, like the fighting that you heard from mom and dad, or they tend to be, listen, I don't want to make waves. I don't want to be a troublemaker. I just want peace. That's all I want. So I'm not I'm going to zip my mouth. I'm not anything, and I'm going to hold it in. Well, I have a picture that I show kids and parents. It's a kid. It's from a book dinosaurs divorce, but it's a little kid's head. It's a dinosaur's head that's about to explode because you keep everything in and the steam starts to want to just come out burst. And that's what happens to any of us when we hold in that resentment and anger for decades, and so you don't want it to come out in an angry way, because that's what you're trying to avoid. Instead, you want to be able to hold your own ground. You want to be able to say, ask a different question, instead of, how can I be the best daughter for my mother? How can I be the best support for myself? What is it I need now? Do I need to set boundaries with my mother? Can I take shortcuts if she doesn't want to go outside, then don't go outside? Maybe instead, I can call a friend or do something else. And you know you can't force her mind, and if you put it on you to force your mother's mind, you're going to burn out even faster. You're in a difficult role, a caretaker role, any siblings or anybody else that can help out one

sister, but you know, she has a job that's very demanding, so she's not available.

Okay? You may want to have a family meeting and be realistic. Don't over promise your Mother, don't over promise your sister. Set limits and make it fair. Okay, anger is the emotion we feel when we when our mind assesses things to be not fair. That's not good for you. So I'm hoping that you value yourself more and learn something called assertiveness skills, which means you don't yell at anybody else you express what you're feeling. And I'm going to recommend a book. I don't think I have it on my website yet, but difficult conversations, okay, difficult conversations, because it talks about the identity issue. You want to like, My identity is not wrapped around Mom and Dad, it's wrapped around me and those closest to me. And that doesn't mean that I'm not with my parents, but I'm with them lovingly and realistically. You're in a different position, because you're in a caretaker role, but the first person you want to take care of is yourself. Okay? So listen. Thank you so much for the call, and I wish you some happiness for yourself and looking for a job too, so that you can have a life. Thanks

so much. Oh, you're welcome. Marie, for

more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to Dr. Kenner.com and please listen to this ad. Here's

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