The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Will you be okay here? If you hang with me and mine, you'll be accepted in no time. Of course, we do have to test your coolness factor. Willow, nice dress. Well, my mom picked it out. No wonder you're such a guy magnet. If you want to fit in here, the first tool is know your losers. Once you can identify them all by sight, they're a lot easier to avoid.

And what's it like trying to get into the popular group? And what does that do to you? When I was a kid, I remember I had a neighbor a few doors down, and I admired her. She was so full of life. She was so wonderfully popular. And I don't think I was trying to get into a popular group, because she was my neighbor. We were just kids in the neighborhood playing.

But one day I went into school and none of the kids would talk to me, and I had no idea. My best friends, who would have?we?d had sleepovers?they just stopped talking to me. And for me, it was just shock. I didn't know what I had done, what went on. And when the story unrolled, it actually turned out that she had told them that I was one of the unpopular kids, and if they connected with me, they couldn't connect with her. That it was either her or me.

And of course, I mean, I would rather go to her than me at that time too?she was a lot of fun. So my friends just stopped talking to me because they didn't know how to cope with that sort of pressure. You want your kids to be able to cope with that sort of pressure.

In my case, my teacher actually kept all of us after school?all the girls?and curiously, she sent me out to clap the erasers. I don't think kids do that anymore, but she sent me with a bunch of erasers out to clap the erasers. And while I was doing that, she had a talk with the girls, saying, ?You don't do this sort of thing.? And my friends came right back to me.

However, I always felt really uncomfortable with that?with the girl who was, in quotes, the popular girl. And you know, the damage done was done, and I didn't evaluate her as a good friend anymore. And that's good news.

So if you're dealing with that sort of a situation, be good to yourself. If you are the bully, think twice. You damage relationships sometimes for life, which happened in my case. But you don't want to let a bully decide who you're going to be friends with. It's not worth being friends with someone who's very charismatic if they set terms like that. They should not control your mind.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Right before the break, I was talking with Eric, whose mom is in her late 50s, and she hoards. That means she clutters the house with stuff, and it's driving his dad nuts, and it's driving him nuts. The mother has things like markers and papers and boxes and bows. But it's not just like I keep some Christmas wrap and reuse it again because it's so pretty. It's not that. It's that there's no room to walk in the house. There's just the bed that's clear, and the bathroom, and the garage. Those are the dad's territories. But the rest of the house is just a pigsty, and she keeps the cups and things, so you don't know if there are animals in there.

And what do you do in that situation? Well, I had recommended going to the website OCFoundation.org, and they have some wonderful tips on there.

First, you decide together what the goal of assistance is. So you and Dad can talk about how you want to help Mom, and you can talk with Mom too. You can explore her ambivalence, meaning a lot of times she's going to defend her right to keep all of her junk?all of her crap?and it's not crap to her; they're treasures. And if you try to say, ?No, you need to get rid of it,? she's going to strengthen?embolden?her position and fight you even more.

But if you catch her saying, ?Oh, I can't even get to my favorite chair,? you'd say, ?Hey, Mom, what about that? Do you want to work on just that piece?just getting to your favorite chair?? You make a limited goal just to get the ball rolling. And you work?you have empathy with her.

This would be hard for you to do when you've hit the ?no more nice? or the ?driving Dad nuts? stage in this. But maybe a therapist would be better?calling in a therapist to work with her who doesn't have that irritation or frustration pent up.

But they say things like, ?I can see this is really difficult for you. I know that you want to keep these things and you also want to get to your chair. I understand you have a lot of mixed feelings. What are the mixed feelings about keeping the path here to the chair?? You actually focus on the positive values to her first.

And she'd say, ?Well, these are my things, you know, they're important to me.? You say, ?Well, what's the value of removing just a few of them?? And she'd say, ?Well, I could get to my chair then.?

And people who are hoarders feel overwhelmed, so you need to break it down into bite-size pieces. And you can also do things like take them on non-acquisition trips. If she's always buying things, you can practice with her going on a trip where she doesn't buy anything, but there are things available to buy.

Again, these are things a therapist would do, but there are some wonderful ideas on that website, and that will help anybody who is listening who has a hoarder in the house or who has too much clutter and they think they're going the way of the hoarder.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Hello Dr. Kenner, my father?he's in his late 50s?is extremely obsessed and dependent on pillows. He needs about 20 of them to sleep. He makes a U-shaped nest for himself and he climbs into bed at night. He says he cannot sleep any other way. Over the years, his pillow dependency has gotten weirder, and he has added onto his nightly habits. He adds pillows and he adds steps to be taken before climbing on.

So you can picture this man in his late 50s getting into bed at night, and it's just a nest of pillows?a U-shaped nest of pillows. He also has what I think is a god complex. He thinks he's superior to everyone. He speaks in a condescending manner to his employees, to his wife, and to us, his daughters. He says he's immune to all sickness. What would his problem be called?

Well, he's obviously got obsessive compulsive disorder, and he may have a personality disorder too. You would need to call in a psychologist, which I'm hoping you will be able to get?some assistance of a cognitive therapist.

Continue with this. Besides his need for pillows, he has other quirks. He has to adjust his?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Do you ever feel overlooked in your romantic relationships? But when it comes to love, sometimes it's good to be selfish. Find out why in the provocative book The Selfish Path to Romance. Being selfish means valuing yourself so your partner will value you. Discover the secrets to keeping yourself front and center in your relationship and building a romance that will last. Find The Selfish Path to Romance by Doctors Ellen Kenner and Edwin Locke on Amazon or at SelfishRomance.com. That's The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or SelfishRomance.com.

Continue with this. Besides his need for pillows, he has other quirks. He has to adjust his ears?like if one gets touched, he has to then touch both of them at the same time. How do I show him that he has a problem? The pillow thing, I think, is also a possible threat to his health since he refuses to get rid of or wash any pillow, and he has had half of them for over 25 years. I hope he's cleaning the pillowcases at least?this is me speaking. So thank you for your time and help. Gina.

Gina, it's got to be so frustrating for you or anybody else in the family. His wife?I'm assuming it's not your mom; it might be a second marriage. And the question is, what is driving this behavior? Why pillows? What makes sense of it?

Now, pillows is not like hoarding, where you can't get anywhere in the house, but you do see a health hazard there, and it's irrational on the face of it. So you will need to use some of the skills we talked about before, which is to look for an opportunity when your father gets frustrated with his pillows. We'll set aside the god complex, because I won't have time for both.

But when he gets really frustrated with the habit?when the pillows are not just right?say, ?Dad, you know, this seems tricky for you.? And then let him talk about the positives. Just listen to what he says about what he loves about having all those pillows on the bed. And you can explore what any negatives are, if he will share them with you.

But I would try to get professional help if he is willing to. Usually people who have?he's got obsessive compulsive disorder. That means you have these obsessions, these thoughts or images or impulses that are very disturbing to you, and you have to do something right. You have to do something just so. So then you have to get the pillows just right, or touch your ears just right, and you set these rules for yourself.

So I'm not surprised he's setting rules for other people around him. He's got this god complex. And you have to set rules for yourself to kind of undo the problems too. You set up these rituals. Well, this is your dad's ritual with pillows. And there's a lot of help that you can get with OCD, and I would absolutely recommend a cognitive therapist.

In fact, I'll be talking with one coming up fairly soon, so you can stay tuned and listen to what your dad might hear in a cognitive therapy session, even though she won't be talking about obsessive compulsive disorder. But the skills, again, are to work with your father. If you try to force his mind, he will fight back and argue his position even more strongly, and you will have 20 more pillows added to his bed.

So this is his thing, and he's got to work with somebody. There's also another therapy that's very good for this called motivational interviewing, where you can ask him questions like, ?What are the benefits of having the pillows here?? and ?Do you have any concerns about them? What worries might you have? What difficulties do they cause in your life?? It could be difficulties with your family?and probably, ?My kids don't understand me.? But a therapist is better to work with that.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Is it possible for a person with genuine self-esteem to suffer a temporary blow? Yes. This typically happens when we feel we fail to gain or keep something that we highly value. We failed a test, we lost a job, we were jilted or abused. A genuinely confident man or woman may temporarily feel low and disoriented when rejected by a loved partner.

Being rejected doesn't necessarily mean you're unlovable. Maybe you had the wrong partner. Keep this in full focus. You can grieve the loss while reminding yourself of your good traits. Many relationships that don't work are simply a matter of a wrong match. You do not devalue yourself. Rather you say: This really hurts, but at the deepest level, I'm still a worthy person.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.