The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @Amazon.com.

Richard, welcome to the show.
Yes. Thank you very much.
Tell me your question.
Well, my question is, what can I do in a particular situation? The situation I'm speaking about is driving, be it every day going to work or taking a trip, okay? And what's the problem?
Well, I like to drive my car, and I like to drive my car with the purpose of getting to my destination as quickly as possible.
Okay, are you a fast driver? Speed demon?
Not necessarily a speed demon, but if something can be done in 15 minutes, as opposed to 35, then I'm going to do that in 15 minutes.
Okay, tell me the situation when you're driving to work. Is it a rural community? You know, I think of I live out in the sticks, but when I go to work, I take the freeways. What's the situation?
I'm living in a rural area, but I've lived in urban areas.
Okay, so you're in a rural area, and what is the speed limit there?
Most speed limits are 45 sometimes 35.
And what do you want to go?
Whatever the conditions of the road and the weather and the traffic.
Okay, but give me numbers. Richard.
Oh, okay, I would do 60 on some of these roads, which are posted at 35.
Okay? And when they're posted, are there homes in the area, kids on bikes?
No, there are limited access roads; there’s nothing around to speak of.
Okay, so your question is, what?
My question is, other than driving at the speed at which I choose to drive and accepting the responsibility for, or the possibility, I guess, of paying a speeding ticket, which I've done in the past, what else can I do?
You could challenge it legally. I'm sure you could go to your town council and just say that this seems unreasonable in this area, or gather together with other people. I know we used to have a speed trap on Route 6 in Rhode Island that was just atrocious. It was a joke. They would have a limited access area on it, no homes, and it was a huge hill that led right to the freeway. The police would always sit there, and they would catch people. They would catch them even if they went over five miles over the speed limit. You know, usually, you feel like you have that flexibility. So you're saying, what standards by? What standards should I use? Should I use the legal standards, or should I use my own standards, which I judge to be appropriate?
I'm assuming you're not drinking and driving.
Oh, not at all. No.
Okay, so what is the conflict that you're having internally?
The conflict that I have internally, then, is, I guess, that I'm living in a world in which it seems that when someone is caught for going over the speed limit, most people that I talk to generally default to the fact that that person is guilty of a crime.
Rights have been violated. How many tickets have you gotten?
I've gotten five tickets in my life.
Okay? And how old are you?
30.
30? So you were driving at the age of around 16? Are they 30 recent tickets?
No, actually, I didn't start driving until I was 20. I grew up in an urban area.
Okay, so for 10 years, they've been spaced out.
They've been spaced out. So it isn't just a slew of them.
Oh, no, okay, you could see that when you're in a free country, you can make this an issue in your life. Like of all the things on your platter right now, you want to ask yourself the question, why does this bother me? Why was this enough to trigger a phone call to Ellen? And that’s an important question to ask because you could have relationship problems. There could be other things if your mind focuses on less significant things, say, like speeding rather than something that's right up front and personal, a relationship that's falling apart, a career that's falling apart, then you don't want to use a question like that. You don't want to let this be a distractor in your life.
If this is something where you do have a personal interest in this, for example, I remember when I was on Route 6, and I would see everybody pulled over, and I actually that's the only ticket I ever got in my life. Was on Route 6. I went to the traffic court, and I saw what a clown. The judge was an absolute clown, I mean, in the worst sense. And the whole thing was just—it made a mockery of speed limits, it made a mockery of the law, and since then, they've stopped it. So there were people that had to have rallied to put an end to that. I was not one of them. I did not make that my battleground in life, but you could do that; I bet you would get a lot of support for certain areas where it legitimately should—there should be a higher speed limit in those limited access areas.
Okay?
And I, that conceding the fact that there should be speed limits in the first place.
Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.
Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is—the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it @amazon.com. Hmm, the selfish path to romance, that is interesting, and I'm conceding the fact that there should be speed limits in the first place?
Oh, I think there should be.
So you need to have standards. I mean, if there weren't, I mean, that's a whole other question. And if that's your battleground in life, again, the question is, why? I got in the car with a relative, and my kids were always taught to put on their seat belts. In fact, there was never a battle with them. They did it automatically, and it saved my son's life. His car flipped, and he was wearing a seat belt. I got in the car with a relative who I waited because in the car, when I drive a car, everyone puts on their seat belts, especially with my history of having my son now in my life, because he had his seat belt on when his car—the window shattered; it flipped over, totally shattered, crushed, and he lived because of his seat belt. And this person has it as their thing in life, that they are never going to wear a seat belt. I couldn't believe it. This is a rational adult. And so my question, if this person were in therapy, is, I would want to explore the origins of that because that isn't random. You know, for a person to make that their battleground, that isn't random. And the same with yourself; if you're upset about that, figure out what deeper issues are involved. Because it can't be just the speed limit. You wouldn't call me for just that issue itself. It's got to be linked to very core issues within you, to personal experiences and much more central issues. And I would go for those, Richard, rather than the speed limit.
It's true, I do go over the speed limit. I'll admit it, I don't go way over the speed limit, but when I judge that, it makes sense to do so, you know, on long passages, long stretches of roads where no one's around, no cars, or even if there are cars. I feel like I'm a safe driver, but I will speed. Sometimes I go too slowly, and it drives my kids and my husband crazy. So it depends on my mood, my purpose, but I try to drive within limits anyway, even if it isn't completely the speed limit.
So thank you for your call, and I'd be interested to hear back from you if you would discover any deeper issues.
And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.
No, I am not letting you out of this house. You can't stop me.
You walk out of this house. Don't even think about coming back.
Okay, you walk out of this house, don't ever think about coming back in struggles with your parents or struggles with your kids. You know how when they turn teenagers? This is from Buffy. Buffy is around 16, 17, or she's a teenager and she wants to leave. Her mother's a decent mother, and yet, listen to the power struggle that they get into. Mom puts down the gauntlet and makes a challenge. You can't stop me. And her daughter says, Oh, yes, I can. I will leave this house. So the point here is that you can't force a mind when you try to, even as a good parent, you try to reach out to your kids and beat some sense into them. You can't beat sense into a kid. You need to reason with them. You need to reach them. You need to set limits, and you need to have natural consequences. It's not that you let them run roughshod over you, and you just lie down and be a doormat in life. It's that you need to set rational consequences for them and standards by which they act. And when you try to threaten them, it backfires.
For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.
Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world-famous for his theories in goal setting.
If your partner just doesn't talk or want to listen, even after repeated attempts to communicate, it may be the manner and tone in which you ask or tell your partner something. You may have been too unassertive or hesitant in expressing yourself, so your partner doesn't think you mean what you say. Make sure to be clear and resolute in expressing yourself, especially about something important to you, or you may have made your wants clear, but in such an obnoxious, insensitive manner that the content of what you say is overwhelmed by your overbearing style.
You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance @Amazon.com.