The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com and @amazon.com

Cody, you're dealing with some anxiety. Is that the case? Yeah. What's going on?

Yeah. Well, I've always had like ADHD, which in turn gave me the anxiety. They said that was one of the side effects of it. But here lately, it's just been really, really bad.

Okay.

Where I don't like, I don't like, like, when I'm trying to fall asleep, it feels like I might not wake up, or like my chest hurts, or, you know.

Okay, have you gotten some help for this?

No.

So you haven't had any what I'm going to call cognitive therapy. No, you haven't. Oh, are you in for a treat if you want to lift anxiety, if you want some skills to help you out. So if you give, how old are you?

I am 21 years old.

You're 21 years old, and what other problems are you having?

Just it's like, well, it gets to where, like, I'll twitch my neck because I think it like helps it, or like, I'll pop my fingers. I'll get fidgety. I'm like, shaking right now. Yeah, it's horrible. And I go to school, I'm a full-time student, and it gets to where I don't even want to go to school because it's so bad.

Okay, first let me give you a little bit of information about anxiety because I can hear that it's pervasive. If it's affecting school, and it's affecting you right now, and it's affecting your sleep, then kudos to you for making this phone call, because that took courage, right?

Yes.

So good for you. Anxiety stems from two main sources. One is from your ideas, that you're uncertain, you don't know what's happening to you, and anxiety is the feeling of, I need to act and I'm uncertain. I'm unsure of myself, and sometimes you have conflicting ideas: Will I be okay? Sometimes it centers around self-doubt. Am I okay? Not just will I be okay if I make this decision, but the theme to anxiety is uncertainty. So the solution would be?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

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?but the theme to anxiety is uncertainty. So the solution would be to figure out what you're uncertain about so you can make some better decisions. And so that's number one. You need to know each emotion has a different theme. Anger has the theme of, it's not fair.

Right?

Yeah?

And sadness has the theme of, oh, I just lost something. You lost a relationship, you lost a job, you lost an item that you loved, maybe a cell phone or something. You just feel sad. But anxiety is you're revved up because it's a future-focused emotion that says, I need to take action, and I'm not certain of myself, and I'm not certain of the outcome, and there are big values at stake?my happiness. So can you see how different emotions have different themes?

Yes.

Happiness is the achievement of something good in your life. I just got a job, I'm going to school, I'm in college, and I'm in a career that I enjoy. So cognitive therapy would teach you the thinking skills that the thoughts you're having actually lead to your emotions. So if you engage in, let me give you an example, stinking thinking: Oh, I feel anxious. I may have this for life. What if I never get over it? What if I can't sleep? What if I fail in school? What if I have to drop out of school? What two words do I keep repeating?

What if?

Can you hear that there are all these ?what ifs.? Or sometimes it comes across as, Oh my God what if?OMG WI. I put on my whiteboard when I'm helping people learn the skills: when your mind spits out an OMG WI?Oh my God what if?take a look at it and say, Wait a minute, is there a better way to think about this? And that's what cognitive therapy can help you with.

And I'll give you a website afterwards. You can always go to my website, DrKenner.com, and there are books such as The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. If you want to find a therapist in your neck of the woods, there's academyofct.org, cognitive-therapy.org, and you can just plug in your zip code or your information, you know where you live, and they'll give you cognitive therapists in your area.

I want to give you a second point. If I went outside my house and saw a pack of coyotes, and they?re all making all that noise?

Yeah.

What emotion do you think I would feel?

Fear.

And I lock my key and I don't have a key to get in, I'm locked out of the house with a pack of coyotes?

I feel fear. And what is that going to do to my body? Describe what would happen to my muscles. Would they be nice and relaxed, like I'm floating in a pool?

No, they'd be tensed up.

They?d be tensed up. What would happen to my breathing? Would it be free and easy or rapid?

Rapid.

Do you think I might twitch a little bit?

Yeah.

Do you think my chest might hurt?

Yeah.

You think I might be shaking a little bit because my muscles are all revved up ready to run as fast as I can?

Yeah.

Okay, notice that we don't call that anxiety. You called it fear, but it's the same darn feeling you're having, isn't it?

Yes.

Notice it's normal that when you have a pack of coyotes, or if you're about to cross the street and a truck is coming at you, and you get the same feeling, the shakiness?it's just your body responding to a thought. Oh my God what if the coyotes eat me, or bite me, or kill me, or what if I get run over by a truck? Well, you're thinking, Oh my God what if I don't go to sleep, and your mind responds as if it's a real emergency and releases adrenaline and cortisol, which revs up your muscles ready for action.

So would that be why like I get the sweats and the shakes?

Absolutely. That's all it is. And then people who don't?if you don't have a pack of coyotes in front of you and you feel that anxiety, then you think you're going crazy or having a heart attack or going to embarrass yourself in public, or that you're dying. And that's not the case. It's just a normal response of your nervous system. So if you get cognitive therapy, it will help you see that you don?t have to be afraid of that response, and then your mind is freer to solve your problems.

Listen, I want to thank you so much for your call, Cody.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. Dr. Niles Crane, Hi, Adam, here.

Notice. Petition for divorce. Don't know what to say.

Oh, it's all right. You're to be applauded for the way you're handling this. A lesser man would panic.

Oh wait wait wait, I'll get her back. Please give me my phone back. No please, sorry, please stop, please. I know you're upset now, but let's remember why you left Paris in the first place. You were tired of groveling.

Yes, but I'm rested now.

And that's from Frasier, obviously. And what happens when you're going through a divorce, or you're just deciding, do we divorce or not, or you receive the papers, or you serve the papers, and then all of those second doubts flood you and you think, Am I making the right choice or not? Have I messed up? Is it me? Maybe it's really me that's the problem. And it's so hard to hold perspective in those moments of, is this the right choice or not?

In many cases, it is the right choice. You were not compatible, and it's time to move on. In other cases, it's sad because if only you knew communication skills, if only you knew how to value one another better, you could have made it. And I don't know whether the bridges have been burnt too badly or not. In some situations and in others, maybe they're not burnt that badly and things can be mended, but that's often not the case.

And of course if there are kids involved, it gets really complicated, really tricky, really fast.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

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