The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com

Ellen, welcome to the show.
Hello.
How are you?
Oh, very good. Thank you. Tell me, what's your question?

Well, I'm trying to, I have a lot of anxiety in my life. I have family members that work in the airline industry, and I don't know quite how to handle this. I thought maybe you could give me some ideas, because it's causing a lot of anxiety. I think I'm developing an anxiety disorder, I would say. But what could you tell me?

Okay, well, who's, tell me, who's in the industry? Is it your child? Is it a husband? Is it multiple relatives?

It's multiple relatives.

Okay, whenever they go anywhere, I am so afraid. And I never used to be a fearful person, and now I'm so afraid that I'm going to lose them, and I don't know how to get past it.

So you are having a trauma response?

Yes, and it's a lot of anxiety. Whenever I learn that these family members are gone, then I tend to, I notice I have, it feels like little adrenaline rushes in my body, and I feel that feeling that you have before you get up in public, speak, something like that. Okay, I don't know how to deal with it.

Yeah, that's just all that is, is your autonomic nervous system obeying you precisely. If you send your subconscious a thought, ?Oh my God. What if,? yeah, and it doesn't matter how you fill in that blank. Oh my God, what if the bridge collapses? Oh my God, what if the elevator breaks down and I'm stuck here? Oh my God, what if I freeze in front of a crowd when I'm supposed to speak? And in your case, you know the origin. It's trauma. It's reality-based trauma. These terrorists are still out there, and yet you're fearful that some of your top values, your top family members?

Are you comfortable saying who they are?

No, I don't know if they would want me?

Okay, that's okay. That's fine. Yeah, we don't need to know that. But let's just say, for instance, that it's either a mother or father or your children or a husband who's a pilot or something. And if it's someone that you value, and you have that fleeting thought, ?Oh my God, what if,? what imagery comes to mind?

It?s that feeling like, you know, your family is going to be gone, you're going to have all that to deal with, their children won't have family members, you know, parents to help raise them. I describe it to some of my best friends as it feels as if I'm being stalked and my whole family is being stalked, and it is?

Being shocked?

Oh, stalked.

Stalkers after you. It?s like there are other people that don't have people in the airline industry. I don't think they understand what this is like. Our people go on the line every time they fly.

Exactly.

It feels like there are stalkers after all the members of my family. And of course, we know other people too that are friends that are in the industry. I just, I don't know if I need therapy, I don't know if I need drugs.

I think cognitive therapy would help you. You could?cognitive: C-O-G-N-I-T-I-V-E. Cognitive is just a dressed-up word for thinking. Thinking therapy, thinking skills. And what it does is it helps you take an emotion and not just float with the emotion. It's like just a whole glob of an emotion overcoming you. Instead of just passively taking a pill, what it teaches you is how to decode that emotion, how to demystify it for yourself. And you've already done a lot of that work. In your case, it's crystal clear that they are taking a reasonable risk when they fly.

Now, how many planes have blown up since 9/11?

They haven't, but my stress level raises, okay?

And I think, I think that's somewhat appropriate. I think that would be the case. My level used to go up when my son would go skiing. And my son liked to do glade skiing, and he liked to take air. ?Take air? means that he would do jumps.

Oh yeah.

And I told him, please don't let me know about it. I get too anxious thinking about you because I picture him crippled or dead.

Yeah.

And when I get those ?Oh my God, what if,? if I didn't get that rush of adrenaline, then my autonomic nervous system would not be functioning properly, yeah? So it's the visual imagery, it's the thoughts. You can learn self-soothing skills.

The skill is, how do you hold?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we?ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad and then Ellen will be back.

Many romantic partners have complaints like, ?I live in the shadow of my husband?s life,? or ?I feel invisible to my girlfriend.? These are common complaints, but you never want to betray yourself in a romantic partnership. When both partners value themselves and are lovingly honest with one another, romance flourishes. Discover the secrets to lasting love in this liberating book, The Selfish Path to Romance by Doctors Edwin Locke and Ellen Kenner. That?s The Selfish Path to Romance on Amazon or selfishromance.com

You can learn self-soothing skills.

The skill is, how do you hold the proper context? Yes, they're taking a reasonable risk, but it?s their choice, and the likelihood in the current context is remote that they will die in a plane, right? It's possible, just as I still continue to fly. It's possible, but it's remote. And you know, that's taking a risk.

But the family members all say life is full of risks. I mean, just yesterday, I fell down a flight of stairs. I am a thin kid, and I went running, fell down a whole flight of stairs. And now, should I never take stairs again?

No, you're right.

You know, so you can have risks right in your own home, slipping on your socks.

If you want cognitive therapy, let me give you the website you can go to and you can read up about it. You can go to my website for one, Dr kenner.com, and there are wonderful books. Mind Over Mood teaches you what a thought record is, how to take an emotion like anxiety and know that anxiety can be decoded into uncertainty or self-doubt. In your case, it's uncertainty about a loved one. Sadness can be decoded into loss. All sadness is reflective of loss. Depression is reflective of loss. Anger means unfairness.

So let me give you the website. It?s academyofct.org. Academy of Cognitive Therapy, ct.org, and they will list therapists in your area to listen. I wish you a lot of success with this, because I would love you to be able to breathe a little easier and learn the thinking skills that can liberate you.

Thank you. I'll check into that.

Oh, thanks so much for your call, Ellen.

For more Dr Kenner podcasts, go to Dr kenner.com and please listen to this ad. Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr Edwin Locke.

If you find yourself chronically complaining or moping, work to solve your problems and shift your focus to what's going well in your life. If you can't do it alone, get help. You may legitimately be in a bad mood because of something your romantic partner did or didn't do. If so, clearly name to yourself which of your partner's words or actions are the source of your moodiness so that the two of you can take steps to remedy the situation. The chances for romantic happiness are better if both partners are typically in a good mood. Having a genuinely pleasant, benevolent demeanor makes you obviously more lovable and more joyful to be around.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Dr kenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com