The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Summary

In this episode, we explore how real-life experiences?both good and bad?teach lessons that no classroom can. We discuss how mistakes, challenges, and personal growth shape who we become and why experience truly is the best teacher.


Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com.

There's such a thing as dullness of heart, acceptance and letting go. Sooner or later, we all give up, don't we? Maybe you all do. It's my idea of the original sin. What is giving up?

And that's from The Miracle Worker, and I agree, you never want to give up on your top values ? the things that move you, that drive you forward in life, that make you want to get out of bed. You don't want to just throw in the towel and throw away your goals, and then just settle in a boring job, a boring relationship, or not have a hobby you enjoy and just float along in life. I mean that you might as well throw away ? you are throwing away ? your life.

With me to help you not throw away your life, and to learn how not to give up but to learn from experience, is a thinking expert, Jean Moroney. She has master's degrees in electrical engineering and psychology, and she's completed a graduate program in the philosophy of Objectivism at the Ayn Rand Institute. So you put that all together ? engineering, psychology, philosophy ? with Jean's wonderful passion and all of her knowledge about thinking, and she's here to help you solve your problems. And that's the topic today, learning from experience.

So some people say, Jean, some people are cynical, and they just say you can't learn from experience. Just give up. What are your thoughts on that?

Well, I guess I have to agree with Annie Sullivan in The Miracle Worker that giving up is a terrible idea. And the problem is people don't always know how to learn from experience. It's not always obvious what to do differently. So I think the number one thing you need to do to learn from experience is deliberately give yourself the learning experience. Within 24 hours of what it is you want to learn from, stop and think about what went right and what?

Okay, let's say I'm dating, and I just have dated ? I would say within the past two months I've dated five guys. And if it's just not working out, and it must be me. I don't know what the problem is, but they don't call me back. I just give up. What's the use?

The perfect example. Because this is an example of what I call flailing. You're doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result.

Well, I'm dating different guys.

Yes, and getting the same result.

Yeah. They don't call me back.

Right. So the thing to do here is to give yourself a chance to see what exactly is going on. And I actually recommend that within 24 hours of your date, sit down with a piece of paper and pencil and answer these questions: What went well, and what do I think contributed to that? Certainly some things probably went well on the date.

Yeah, we laughed a lot, and I thought that they really liked me. And I thought that, you know, people have a sense of humor ? I have a good sense of humor. And I thought everything was going well. And we talked; we didn't just sit there like bumps on a log.

Well, that sounds like in your example there is stuff that went well. Then ask yourself the question, what didn't go well? And what do I think contributed?

I think the same thing. I think that I talk too much about myself, and I don't know how to listen to the other person. And they probably don't feel comfortable with me, because I am a very strong personality. I have a strong personality, and I laugh a lot ? maybe it's too overpowering for them.

So this is very interesting, because these two questions that I suggested ? what went well and what contributed, what didn't go well and what contributed ? are easy to answer. You always have, particularly if it's soon after (that's why I say 24 hours), you always have thoughts on that, and it's fairly easy to get them out of your subconscious.

So that's one part of the process ? to get out your thinking on that on paper. There's a third question, I think, that's worth asking: What would I do differently another time?

Well, I think, taking it from what I just said, I think I can still have my wonderful, delightful sense of humor. I can still come on strong, because I'm not a weak person. I don't want to sell myself as a meek, withering violet when I'm not that way. And so I think that next time, I will just learn to listen ? to share the airtime more and to ask them to talk more about their life, maybe ask more questions.

So what we get from just asking these three questions is you get your first cut at what you think needs to be different to make it better next time. And I can tell you that just by taking, say, 10 minutes to do this in writing, within 24 hours ? within 24 hours, because you won't remember after 24 hours; too many things will intervene ? this will really get into focus for you, so that you're more likely to remember to give the other person a chance to talk or listen better the next time you have a date somewhere.

Okay, what I was going to say is, if you really want to get the most out of this review, you need to take one more step.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, then Ellen will be back.

Romance?

Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

What I was going to say is, if you really want to get the most out of this review, you need to take one more step, and that is after you've done this writing ? you've done, you know, say, 10 minutes of writing out what you thought about all this:

What went well, what didn't go well, and what should I do differently next time?

Yeah.

Go back and reread what you wrote with a fishy eye. Okay? Now, what by a fishy eye I mean a critical eye. When you're first answering the questions, you just give the answers that seem natural. But when you go back and you reread, this is part of critical thinking. You don't just take your off-the-top-of-your-head answers for things. You go back and look at it and see, well, is that literally true? Or is there another way to look at that? What am I assuming here?

So for example, "We laughed a lot." Yeah, you might have in your writing said, "We laughed a lot." Maybe when you went back and you reread that, you said, Gee, I laughed a lot. I laughed at everything he said, but he didn't laugh as much as I did, right? And so, you know, it came out in certain words when you first expressed it, but then when you go back and you look at it with kind of a critical eye, you say, Well, you know, that's a little different from that. And maybe there's something you can learn from: Gee, I was doing all the laughing and he wasn't. Maybe my laugh was a little bit nervous, and maybe I need some way to be less nervous so that I'm not laughing at everything. I mean, I'm just making that up.

Right, right. We're like making up the example because I'm happily married.

Exactly. You don't know what you're going to find when you start this process, and particularly the testing assumptions ? that process where you look at it with a fishy eye. I think it's very helpful to add that second step, because in effect, by saying what you thought off the top of your head, you give yourself a second chance to say, well, do I have anything that contradicts that? That is going to be the way that you get, in effect, a deeper layer of understanding of what went right and what went wrong.

Right, and?

Go ahead.

?by questioning what your off-the-top-of-the-head answers were.

Okay. And I'm thinking I might have gone back and maybe something very positive came out of it. Maybe it wasn't that I had a nervous laugh. Maybe it was that I knew within the first few minutes of talking with the person that I was not interested in them. And I had five dates over two months, but I wasn't interested in any of them, and somehow I might have sent those vibes to them ? you know, just subtle cues to them. And that's why they didn't call me back, because I might have been the stronger person and was actually rejecting them, rather than them rejecting me, and me throwing in the towel.

And that comes under the heading of testing assumptions also ? should these dates have led to follow-up dates? And maybe you were too focused on, Gee, I want to have follow-up dates, as opposed to, Do I want to have follow-up dates with these five guys?

Right.

Right?

And I'm talking with Jean Moroney. You're a fabulous expert on thinking skills, and you have a website, ThinkingDirections.com ? that's all one word, ThinkingDirections.com. And I went to your website, I spent a half hour on it last night. You give thinking tips and talk about ? what else do you have on your website?

Well, I have book recommendations, some of which I got the recommendations for the books from you, Ellen, and then wrote up reviews for them. And I have information on how to sign up for my free email newsletter. That's at ThinkingDirections.com ? the word thinking plus the word directions, all run together.com. And let's see what else ? well, information on my course, Thinking Tactics, and on some preview classes that I run for them.

Right. You have tons of information. So just go to the website, ThinkingDirections.com. And thank you so much for joining us today, Jean.

Thanks for having me.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here?s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

If you're interested in finding a potential soulmate, be on the lookout and eliminate anyone with poor moral character ? for example, someone who is dishonest or lacks integrity. No matter what other qualities he or she possesses, and no matter how good that person makes you feel in the short run, such a person will bring you nothing but heartache and disappointment in the end. Eliminate anyone whom you do not respond to emotionally, including sexually. Love, after all, is an emotion.

Notice how your partner treats you. For example, if the person is stingy with praise but generous with criticism, dump him or her.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.