The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @amazon.com

I'm losing my apartment, Melvin and Frank. He wants me to beg my parents, and I won't, and I?I don't want to paint anymore. So the life that I was trying for is over, the life that I had is gone, and I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself that it's difficult to breathe, terrified.

What do you do if you have a lot of thoughts just bouncing around in your head like, oh, I don't know what I'm going to do. I just feel down in the dumps. I'm depressed. I don't know how to get myself going. There's just no motor there. What do you do with those thoughts? Most people just let them simmer, and it brings them down even further. They get more and more depressed.

Well, with me today, I have the absolute pleasure of introducing Dr. Judy Beck, who is the director of the Beck Institute for Cognitive Therapy and Research, and she's the president of the Academy of Cognitive Therapy, where there are wonderful resources that any of us can go to and download, and we'll get to that in a moment. She's also the clinical associate professor of psychology and psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania, and she's written books and done many, many workshops nationwide and internationally. And her new book is *Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond*, with a forward in it from the father of cognitive therapy, who is her real-life father, Dr. Aaron Beck. Welcome to the program.

Thank you, Alexis.

Dr. Beck, if I?m feeling depressed like that, and these thoughts are just rolling around in my head about how I just feel so bummed out I can?t get myself going, help me with that. What would you do with all of these negative thoughts that I?m just rolling in?

The first thing that I would do is to find out a specific situation in which you were having these kinds of thoughts and feeling distressed.

At work and in my marriage.

Right?

And I might give you the choice then, which would you like to talk about first?

At work.

Okay, and did these kinds of thoughts come up this week at work?

They came up a lot.

Okay. Can you remember one particular time when you were feeling really depressed at work?

Well, I just felt very inadequate. I see my co-workers, they?re cheerful. They answer the phone with a smile on their face, and I just say ?hello,? and I just don?t feel like I?m doing my job well. And so I feel inadequate. I feel very depressed right now.

It?s very important to realize that a part of depression is negative thinking. Everyone in the world who is depressed has negative depressed thoughts. The good news is that oftentimes these thoughts are not true, or certainly not completely true. So what I?d like to do now is to teach you how you can evaluate an automatic thought like this and find out: is it true, is it not true, someplace in between, and then do some problem solving about it. Would that be all right?

Yes, that?d be fine.

Okay, so let?s look at this thought: ?I?m inadequate.? Tell me, the first question that I would ask you is, what?s the evidence that you?re inadequate?

Well, sometimes I arrive late to work. It?s only like five or ten minutes late, but it?s still late, and the person I work with is there right on time. Sometimes I just get frazzled. I work at a restaurant, and if I?m a little bit late it throws everybody off. It throws their schedules off. And then sometimes, when I try to help?I'm the receptionist, I answer the phone there. But I also sometimes pitch in and help the waiters and waitresses, and I just feel like?I don?t know?sometimes I?ve delivered the wrong order to somebody. So there?s, you know, there is evidence that I just feel inadequate at what I?m doing.

So, so far, it sounds like here?s the evidence: sometimes?it sounds like not every day?but sometimes you arrive late, which many of us do. Sometimes you get frazzled, which almost everybody I know does. And sometimes you make mistakes. Again, a pretty human condition. Can I ask you this, Ellen: is there any evidence on the other side that maybe you?re not inadequate, or certainly not completely inadequate?

Well, they were very excited to hire me. They just think that I present myself well, that I?m very welcoming to people, even though I can stumble on the phone occasionally. And I think the waiters and waitresses are happy that I pitch in, even if I occasionally blunder.

So there are some things at work that you do well. You present well, and you?re welcoming, which is probably, am I right, the most important part of your job.

Right. And I?m very good with children.

Oh, and you get a lot of kids at the restaurant?

Not later evenings, but during early evenings and on weekends. Yes, we do.

Well, how important that is! And I have to tell you, not everybody is good with kids in a restaurant.

Oh, I just get down on the floor with them sometimes and play, and I have a lot of fun.

And it sounds to me as if, from what you?re saying, even if you make mistakes, the waiters and waitresses are actually glad for your help, which I imagine they wouldn?t be if you were doing a totally inadequate job.

Now, you know what happened the other day? Someone got really angry with me because I delivered the wrong meal. And not only did the customer get angry?he got angry?but the waiter got really angry too.

So I wonder, is it possible that you?re preoccupied with that incident and you?re not recognizing all of the other things you did well that week, that day?

Oh, that?s absolutely going on. But how can you not?I mean, if somebody yelled at you, isn?t that the only thing that comes to the forefront of your mind?

Well, it?s very normal for it to come to the forefront. But another thing that you can do for yourself is to say?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we?ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that?s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where?s that ad I saw? Ah, here it is: *The Selfish Path to Romance*, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, *The Selfish Path to Romance*. That is interesting.

But another thing that you can do for yourself is to say, okay, so that?s true, but let me look at the entire picture. What else did I do today? What else did I do this week at work? Do you see how it?s not really realistic just to look at one situation? It?s so important to look at the whole picture.

So you?re saying that if I let my mind focus on the things that I just take for granted, they kind of go into the background for me, all the good things. Right? That would help me.

I think it really would help if you recognized all of the good things that you?re?how would I do that, though?

Well, one thing is to be conscious as you go through the day of the things that you?re doing, okay? And my guess is that there are dozens and dozens and dozens of those things. So let?s say a customer comes in and you greet them nicely. It?s very important for you to say to yourself, okay, I did that well. Let?s say you help a waiter out and you don?t make a mistake. It?s important for you to say, okay, I did that well. And go through your workday recognizing all of the things you?re doing, not just the mistakes.

Okay?

And I think that would help me.

I?m with Dr. Judy Beck right now, and we?ve been illustrating?how would you phrase it?what we?re doing?

We?ve been evaluating an automatic thought that you?ve had, a negative depressed thought that?s making you feel really bad. And when we evaluated and looked to see how accurate it is, we?ve actually found out that it?s not accurate.

Right! It was way off-base. I played the role of a waitress, and basically you helped me see that if I collect evidence, that even though my mind is riveted to the negative incident that week, if I collect all of the evidence, I?ll see that I?m very competent and I?m very good at what I do, and I?m well-liked. You don?t want to take that one negative in your day and let it pull you down into a depression.

That?s exactly right, yes.

So I want to thank you so much for joining us today. This is Dr. Judy Beck. And can you give some information on how people can get in touch with the Center for Cognitive Therapy?

The best way is probably to check out our website, which is www.BeckInstitute.org.

Okay, and if they wanted any resources, what would you recommend that they go to?

Another good website is www.AcademyofCT.org, like cognitive therapy. AcademyofCT.org.

Okay. And thank you so much for joining us today.

Thank you.

And you can see how important it is to be able to understand yourself, to be able to read your own mind, that if you?re carrying around ideas such as ?I?m no good,? ?I?m a failure,? or ?Nobody likes me,? or ?I?ll never succeed in life,? all of that negative, stinking thinking?there may be a grain of truth in it, but a grain of truth doesn?t mean that you can?t repair that grain and that you can?t look at the parts that are not grains of truth, the very good things in yourself, and grow those parts and strengthen those parts.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here?s an excerpt from *The Selfish Path to Romance: The Serious Romance Guidebook* by clinical psychologist Dr. Kenner and Locke.

Look at what a potential partner likes or doesn?t like in the arts?greatness, mediocrity or depravity. Ask what this person aspires to, and observe if there?s any action taken toward these goals. Note how this person views his or her work. Is this person passionate about it, or is it just a job? Do they resent the responsibility of earning a living? See whom this person chooses for friends?admirable individuals or people who are empty or just no good.

Romantic partners don?t have to and should not share all values. It would be boring to marry a near replica of yourself. You want your soulmate to be another self, but only in a fundamental sense, not in every detail.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.


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