The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com, and @amazon.com

I'm not mad at you.

I'm mad at me. I've just been so lonely over the last year. I'm raising a child alone. I'm scared. I always thought of myself as a strong and independent person, but the truth is, I'm afraid.

How do you tackle hard thinking in your own life, and how do you grow as a person? I mean, sometimes you have motherhood just dumped in your lap, and you've got one kid or two kids, and every day you need to grow. You need to do hard thinking. How do I manage this with my kids? How do I teach them math? How do I teach them how to read? How do I teach them how to walk? How do I teach them how to not smoke pot and have sex all the time when they become teenagers? Or, if you're in business, how do you grow your business?

With me today is Jean Maroney. Jean has two master's degrees, one in psychology from Carnegie Mellon University, and one in Electrical Engineering from MIT. And she has 10 years of experience in the engineering field. And Jean, on top of that, has graduate training in philosophy from the Ayn Rand Institute, and she's taken all of her knowledge, put it together, and become an expert on tackling hard thinking.

So this applies generically to any of us. How do we tackle hard thinking to grow in our lives? Jean, welcome to the show.

Thank you.

Ellen, it's great to have you here. Tell me, what is the problem? If I'm someone in business and I want to grow my business, and it just feels overwhelming, what type of advice could you give me? Or even if I'm the mother who's got motherhood dropped in my lap, what type of advice could you give me?

Well, I think the first piece of advice is to recognize the fact that you have a hard thinking problem. A lot of times, people are looking for easy path solutions and a little answer that's just going to solve all the?

Just tell me what to do. That's all I want to know.

Exactly. And I think part of the step in finding the solution is to realize, well, you know, this is a hard problem, and it's hard because it's new, or it breaks the routine, or it's clearly going to the next level of difficulty. All of those things are going to make it be hard.

So as you said, when you first become a mother, you don't have motherhood experience. Everyone says the second and third kids are a lot easier.

Exactly. The second and third kids will tell you that too.

Exactly, exactly. Now, this is totally normal, because the fact is that whenever you're thinking about problems and how to solve problems, you are relying on your existing data banks of knowledge, and you have to rely on them in the process of doing the thinking. So whenever you're trying to go to some place where you don't have as much knowledge, you're going to have more trouble, in effect, expanding your knowledge at the same time as you're solving the problem.

So let me give two examples there. If I'm the entrepreneur and I know nothing?like my husband started a hardware store and he didn't know anything about starting an entire store with tons of nuts and bolts and you name it?he didn't have a lot of knowledge to draw on. I mean, he was in a related business, but not in terms of having his own store. So he's faced with, ?Oh my gosh, my data banks are relatively empty here.? And the same with a mom. A mom who is a first-time mom, assuming she didn?t raise her own siblings, will say, ?My gosh, my data banks are empty. What do I draw on? Just how my parents raised me? Oh my God. I don't want to be like my mom or my dad.?

Exactly right. So as I said, the first thing is to recognize that it is a problem. Now, of course, one of the things you're going to do is try to learn what you can from other people. In these situations, it only makes sense that you would talk to other hardware store owners or talk to other parents or read books, whatever, to get some data there.

What I'd like to talk about is what you do for your own self to make that process of growth, which you are in effect going through, easier. Because it can be sometimes painful and unpleasant, and it doesn't need to be. But there are two things that make the hard thinking that you do in these situations unpleasant. One has to do with the pain factor. What makes hard thinking painful? There are two things: unrealistic expectations?

And hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that?s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Oh, here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

What makes hard thinking painful? There are two things: unrealistic expectations and, in effect, a self-esteem issue. So how would that come up with the mother?

I don't know if I can be a mom. I just don't think I can do it. And I should be the perfect mom, and I want to be the perfect mom, but I don?t think I have the skills or could even get them.

Exactly. So this kind of self-doubt that you are describing a new mother having, this is actually going to get in the way of thinking about how to handle the new situation. The self-doubt actually undercuts the thinking process. So the first thing that you need to do in those kinds of situations is challenge those premises. This is a normal state of affairs. Every mother is a new mother when the first child is born. It is a totally normal process, and it is not something to feel abnormal about, that you are in a new situation and that you need to face that. So one thing is to reassure yourself on the self-doubt issues.

So not to make it a self-esteem issue, but to say, ?You know what? Whether it's a mom or an entrepreneur or a kid in college for the first time, this is new. Well, yeah, it's going to feel difficult, but it's not a self-esteem issue. I just want to be able to access more knowledge.?

Right. The second half of that is realistic expectations. I think actually one of the problems that sometimes when you're in a new field you have is you expect to be operating as an expert in that field in the first six months. And that is an unrealistic expectation.

One of the things that you need to do is to try to, for example, if you're a new mother, figure out what are the real basic things? Well, the basic thing is: don't drop the child, right? Would you agree?

And feed the child. And when do you pick it up when it's crying and when don't you?

And try to get a feel for what are the number one things to worry about and try to find out what are the two, three, and four things to worry about. So you will concentrate mostly on number one and not have the expectation that you're going to be able to do every single thing, quote-unquote, perfectly the first time, right?

So it's setting unrealistic goals for yourself. Like when I started dance lessons?that?s a good example. It's like, well, I should know how to dance, and now it's a self-esteem issue and I'm setting unrealistic goals. And then after my first lesson or two, when my hips aren't moving anywhere near what my dance teachers are doing, I think, ?Oh, well, I'm a failure. Maybe I can't get these skills.?

Instead, think maybe, ?Hey, this is the thing that I need to learn. This is the first skill. How do I get my hips to move right? How do you focus better? And what is she doing differently?? And pick up one or two tips from her a day, knowing that I'm at point zero and I can only grow from there. That's the theme.

Exactly. And the fact that you're growing?when you hold that context?it puts everything in a positive perspective. I think of the example, the Walmart story. Maybe you've heard it: early on, Sam Walton, when he was starting the Walmart stores, made a lot of mistakes. One of the stories was he had a grand opening with a bunch of?I don't know whether it was horses or donkeys?he had some kind of animals there, and it was a hot sunny day, and let's just say that the place stank to high heaven. It was a disaster as a grand opening.

Well, what did he do? He didn't say, ?Oh my God, I'm no good. I don't know how to run a store.? He said, ?Oh gee. Well, we'll change how we do this next time. This is a learning experience,? as opposed to taking it as evidence of a lack of ability.

So you're saying, take it as normal. Whenever you start something new or you're advancing yourself in any field, whether it's in business or otherwise, then set realistic goals, don't make it a self-esteem issue, and grow.

And how could people get in touch with you, Jean? I know you teach classes tackling hard thinking for both businesses and for individuals who are interested. How could they reach you?

The easiest way would be through my website, which is www.jeanmaroney.com

. That's J-E-A-N M-O-R-O-N-E-Y.com.

Jean, thank you so much for joining us today.

Thanks for having me.

Ellen: For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Your romantic partner cannot also be your therapist. The roles are totally different. Your partner can be understanding and supportive, but cannot be responsible for your mental health. If you're riddled with self-doubts, fears, and anxieties, don't ask your partner to put you together again. That is your job, along with the help of a professional.

Mental health is important, and psychological problems can be resolved if you seek professional help, put in the effort, and do the introspective work. You need not remain a mystery to yourself. You'll acquire the ability to remove the barriers to your happiness, and you'll make yourself more lovable.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com