The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

How can I lose weight? I'm always gaining and I want to lose weight without taking pills. Sarah, so Sarah, what makes it hard for you to lose weight? Think about that. What stands in the way of your goal? You want to lose weight enough to email me a question. What makes it hard? What types of thoughts do you have? What are your habits? What types of self-sabotaging thoughts do you have?

For example, self-sabotaging thoughts can be, ?Oh, this piece of cake won't count.? ?I deserve it.? ?You know, I've always been a fat person, and I'm fat and happy.? You may say that to yourself, and at other times you recognize that the fatness isn't contributing to your happiness ? it's undermining it.

And, ?You know, I like going out and socializing with friends,? or, ?It's my birthday or some celebration, I want to celebrate,? or, ?I just don't have time for a diet, you don't understand how busy I am.? Or, ?You know, when I'm with my family, what we do is we eat. You know, it's a family that just eats, and if I didn't eat, Mom would feel so hurt.?

But there may be a downside to this too. ?You know, my brother always picks on me. He calls me fat,? and, ?I hate looking in the mirror,? ?I hate after I take a shower or a bath ? I rush for the bathrobe because I don't want to see myself.? And, ?My clothes are so big, they keep getting bigger.? And you know, you know the whole rigmarole: ?I don't want to go out in public. You know, we go on a vacation and there's a beach, and I'm not going to ? I look like a whale in a swimming suit and there's no way I'm putting one on. I haven't had one on in years.? And, ?I'm not standing on a scale. I hate visiting my doctor.?

So what you're hearing now are all of the reasons why many people struggle with weight. There are a lot of benefits to eating. It's sensual, it tastes good, it's wonderful. And there's a big downside to eating too. You feel like a failure. The deepest reason is you feel like, ?What's the use? Why bother? I guess change is impossible for me.?

So let's talk about how to go about changing. Number one, my first recommendation is cognitive therapy. It teaches you that how you think affects your actions, and if you think better, you can lose the weight. And it takes very good, coordinated thinking. It takes an action plan. You can't just think yourself to be thin, but you do want to think like a thin person.

And with that thought, I want to recommend a book that is The Beck Diet Solution, and I will put that up on my website. The Beck Diet Solution is a wonderful book that can help you lose weight because it teaches you the core ? it teaches you how to think better. And I'm going to give you a little sample of that now.

I want you to realize that if it's not food ? you know, if it's not that you want ? that your change is, ?I feel like I'm at a great weight but I never exercise,? or, ?I feel like I procrastinate all the time,? or, ?I have a smoking problem or a drinking problem.? Cognitive therapy ? the same skills work with all of these. So I'm going to tailor it to ? I'm going to give you just a snapshot of some of the cognitive-therapy skills for losing weight, for, in quotes, ?dieting.? But I want you to know that these apply across the board ? that you just tailor them to your situation.

So again, cognitive therapy will teach you how to think clearly and solve your problems and go after what you want in life ? being thinner.

And the first thing you need to identify is?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

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And the first thing you need to identify is you may have a change premise ? an idea about change ? that is not working for you. You may think, ?Other people can lose weight but not me,? ?Other people can stop drinking but not me,? ?Other people can exercise but not me.? You may beat up on yourself. So you want to identify times in your life when you have been strong, when you have made some changes, and use that as kind of a diving board ? or, you don't want to think of diving into a pool ? but just a board to jump off of to start your new project.

You're going to need to identify all the self-sabotaging thoughts I was talking about: ?I don't have time to go on a diet,? those types of thoughts.

Then you want to list the benefits ? all the benefits that you would get from losing weight, from achieving your goal. And the benefits can be ? they range everywhere from: ?I'll look better,? ?I'll feel better,? ?I won't feel embarrassed,? ?My doctor won't bug me.? And this is from the Beck Diet book. ?I'll be happier when I step on the scale,? ?I will be able to get into my old clothes,? ?I'll be able to look better for Susan's wedding,? ?I will feel better in my body,? ?I'll have better self-esteem,? ?I'll feel more fit,? ?I'll have more energy,? and ? it's like a mindset ? ?I may go after some of my other goals too if I can lose the weight.?

So another skill is having benefit cards. You actually write down the personal benefits to you of losing weight.

You want to avoid getting into the framework of being deprived. When you go on a diet, people feel that they?re deprived, and then it's sabotage ? ?I deserve to eat.? You want to get used to eating smaller portions and help yourself move in that direction, and find other ways to relax other than eating.

And you also want to imagine yourself at the weight that you would love. Picture it in rich detail ? what you would look like ? and those all help you move toward your goal of losing weight.

So I hope that helps, Sarah.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Genuine self-esteem does not depend simply on your practical successes and failures, but on your method of thinking and your choice to act on the basis of your best thinking. It means being in mental focus. You're in charge of whether and how you think. How you think affects the practical outcomes you achieve, but outcomes are not always fully in your control. What's important is that you do what's possible with what is in your control. If you earn your own self-esteem, you make yourself more lovable, and in the end, you'll attract more and better individuals as potential partners.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.