The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Transcript

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr Kenner.com and @amazon.com

Annie, you're dealing with a brother who's depressed, yes, and you said that he's dropped out of sight.

Well, it's kind of hard to see him because I live in a different state than he does.

Okay. How far away?

I'm in Massachusetts, he's in Florida.

Oh, that's a ways, yeah, and tell me what. Give me a little glimpse of what's going on and why it's such a loss for you.

Well, he just, he won't answer emails or telephone calls. He didn't come for Christmas. And we lost our first brother.

What happened?

He died of colon cancer. He was 48 and then my second brother died, he was 50, and he died of liver cirrhosis. And my brother now, was he? He was 50, okay. And my mother died of liver cirrhosis at 43.

Okay. Alcohol problems at all?

Pardon me?

Alcohol problems at all?

Oh, yeah. Huge, huge. And my brother in Florida has had some struggles with alcohol, and it's, it's just he's not very communicative anyway, but it's very rare for him not to join us in Ohio for Christmas. It's just my dad and I left out of, and my brother in Florida, out of six of us.

Wow, wow.

So it's just very unusual for him to miss Christmas. And he did contact my daughter-in-law and say, well, I can't afford it. My dad emailed him, said, I'll send you, you know, just tell me how much, a check will be in the mail tomorrow. And he's never responded to my dad. That was probably two weeks before Christmas.

Does he have an okay relationship with dad?

Far as we know.

Okay?

So it isn't like they have a long-standing history or rifts in the past, where it's like, don't give me your money, I don't want it?

No, oh, no. So it's just things like that. So, and what do you know about your brother? You said he drinks. You know that. He's going through, really, your whole family's going through grief. You've had multiple losses.

Yeah, I don't, I don't know if — I just don't know what's going on with him.

What do you suspect?

I just think he's severely depressed, and I think that he just recently got a dog, another dog, which we thought was a really good thing, because he has to take care of something now, but it just really concerns us, because especially after losing half the family already, we've just been very careful to stay in touch and get together, even though it's only once a year, but we just make sure that happens. And this year, he didn't. He made no effort. He didn't contact anybody on Christmas. He did send a text message to my daughter-in-law, just saying, Merry Christmas to all, and that's the last we've heard from him.

Okay, so is it possible — and you probably already thought of this — if you can afford it, to visit him, or to take the money that your father was going to offer for him to come up, and either dad go down and visit him, or you go visit him.

Well, we've thought about that, but I tried to get in touch with a friend down there to see if she could just go over and see if he was okay. I don't know if there's somebody that can just do a wellness check. Yeah, we may be blowing this out of proportion. It's just, I just would rather be safe than sorry.

Meaning what? What goes through your mind?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is — The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

We may be blowing this out of proportion. It's just, I just would rather be safe than sorry.

Meaning what, what goes through your mind?

Getting another phone call that he's died.

Yeah, of alcohol-related liver problems or some other problems.

Yeah, or alcohol poisoning, or—

Yeah, okay. Before I forget, there are two fabulous books — actually three books — that I want to recommend. I hope you have paper and pencil, but you can always go to my website, Dr Kenner.com, and get them also.

And one of them is for alcohol problems. The book is Sober for Good. If he doesn’t read books, he can listen to it. There’s a section at the end of how family members deal with someone in the family who has alcohol problems. That will be helpful for you — what to say and what not to say, how to reach them if you think that's the case. But you can only go on your best knowledge, and you think it may be alcohol-related.

And the second concern you have is that he's depressed.

I think the depression's kind of taken over. I think he's really — I think he just always thought he was immortal, and now that he watched two brothers die, I think he really is just soberingly aware of his mortality, right? Really is freaking him out.

Then it would be great if he could do some grief work. It would be great if he could see a cognitive therapist. There's a website, The Academy of CT.org, where they have a “Find a Therapist” spot. CT for Cognitive Therapy. If he's willing. You know, he may not be willing to go in.

There's another book, Choosing to Live, if you suspect anybody is suicidal or even passively suicidal — you know, drinking themselves to death, but basically suicidal. That also has a chapter for family members, and that's Choosing to Live by Thomas Ellis and Corey Newman.

The other book would be a cognitive therapy book to help him with depression, but that would probably be better for him to use in conjunction with therapy, and that's Mind Over Mood.

So those should help you. I would try to write him another email, perhaps, or send him a little card and say, help us understand where you're at or what's going on. We're missing you. You know, just a warm welcome.

And I actually have, I sent him a big package, which I never got any response. You so much. Christmas wasn't the same. I love you.

You know, we don’t know what's going on with him. It could be trauma. It could be guilt. You don't know. I know we're right at the end of time, Annie. What I recommend is it sounds like that idea of having a friend visit him would help, or maybe visiting him with your dad.

Listen. Thank you so much for your call.

Oh, you're welcome.

I'm Dr Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness.

And here's a little more from Dr Kenner: Pay me a compliment, Melvin. I need one quick. You have no idea how much what you just said hurt my feelings. A compliment is something nice about somebody else.

This is a request from June. Now or never. Okay? And mean it.

Can we order first?

And that's from As Good as It Gets. And we've all been in situations where we're with somebody who says something that hurts us, and we've been so starved, so hungry just to hear one kind word. Especially when it's earned. Especially — well, only when it's earned, obviously. But when you've earned it, when you've done something good, or you've gone out of your way for somebody, or you've accomplished something really nice, you want that recognition from your loved ones. Whether it's your mom, your dad, your kids, your spouse, husband, wife, a boyfriend, girlfriend. You want that recognition. And sometimes people don't give it. They're very stingy with it.

And you may be one of the stingy people. If you are, you want to break out of that pattern and be able to express yourself. And sometimes you need to be able to express both the good and the bad, and that takes skill.

For more Dr Kenner podcasts, go to Dr Kenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr Ellen Kenner.

One romance killer is the killer of joy: altruism, self-sacrifice. To the degree that you have an anti-self moral code, you will suffer. To be a valuer, you must care about yourself and your life. When we ask clients, “What do you love in life?” many respond with a long, painful pause. They say, “I don’t know. I never asked myself that question. I’ve been so busy living for everyone else that I never focused on myself. It feels selfish to do that.” They are right. Value is rationally selfish and a healthy process. Living by the code of self-sacrifice destroys your capacity to value, because under that code, only other people’s values count. What type of person would be attracted to you if you have no serious values? The selfless person is a magnet for the me-only narcissist who knows a good victim when he sees one.

You can download chapter one for free at Dr Kenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com