The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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In The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @amazon.com

He came back with his same lies, the same silly phrases.

What do you say? He has grown greedier with the years. The first time, he only wanted my money. Now he wants my love too. Well, he came to the wrong house, and he came twice.

I shall see that he never comes a third time.

We've talked about judging other people. With me today, I have Dr. Andy Bernstein, my resident philosopher. He's got a PhD in philosophy, he teaches at Pace University, and he's given addresses all over the country, including at Harvard and Stanford and RPI. And he's written countless articles, several Cliff Notes, and a novel The Heart of a Pagan. And with me today, we're going to discuss: How do you judge other people?

So many times we're told: Don't judge other people. Be nice. Joey might come in and say, “Mommy, I don't like what Tommy did to me. He's mean.” And Mommy might say, “Joey, you know, it's not nice to say mean things about people. Tommy's a very nice friend. You just sit back and don't ever say anything negative about people—good people. Only say nice things about people.”

With me today again to discuss this is Dr. Andy Bernstein. Welcome to the show again, Andy.

Oh, good to be back, Ellen.

Yeah. Tell me what is the motive? My guess is there are a range of motives behind why people say “don’t judge.” Like the mother in that case was telling her son, “Don’t say mean things. It’s not nice. Good people only say nice things about other people.”

Well, I think, you know, in large part, I think this falls in your field, not in mine. I think there's a… I think in probably all of those cases, there's always a psychological motive. I think there's a moral-philosophical one too, but I think the psychological motive is always the person himself or herself feels terribly guilty inside about God knows what and is terrified of being judged himself. That he's afraid to judge himself because he's afraid he's going to wind up falling short of his own moral standards, and consequently is terrified of other people judging him, and so necessarily then wants to avoid moral judgment at all costs. And so utters this kind of nonsense that we shouldn't judge other people—even though our lives very clearly depend on our willingness to judge other people's characters and their psychological state.

You know, I'm thinking, we judge everything. I mean, you go into a restaurant, you judge the food. You go shopping for clothes and you judge whether the dress looks right on you, or if it hangs funny on you—whether the shoes fit or not, whether you like the car or not. We're constantly judging things.

When it comes to people, there’s a whole—I want to say a movement. It's not a coordinated movement, but there's a whole mentality or mindset that people can get into that says, “Well, you know, I just don't think about that in him. I don't like it in him, but I don't want to, I don't want to look too deeply.” Why? Who tells us not to judge people?

Well, there is a coordinated movement here. It's called Christianity. You know the saying—or religion more broadly. It's not just Christianity. But you know the phrase, “Judge not and be not judged.” I think the belief here comes from the religious belief in original sin—that man is a sinful being. And consequently, since we're all equally sinful, not one of us is morally pure enough to be able to be a judge, to cast the cross down.

And I think, again, I think that philosophy and that moral creed has psychological consequences. I think people who have accepted the idea of their own sin, and probably were brought up, you know, in that kind of a family—people who accept that have a chronic sense of moral inadequacy and a chronic sense of self-loathing and guilt. And they're terrified of being judged. So they preach this philosophy of “Do not judge.”

I just want to stress—the antidote to this is the realization that our lives depend on judging. I think people can see at a common-sense level—they have to judge other people. They can't—they can’t—cannot fail—must not fail to distinguish between the honest and the dishonest, between the peaceful and the violent, between the rational and the irrational.

Their very life depends on judging between those people as to who they connect with as friends or others, and who they reject.

So it's very tragic if you've been brought up to believe that you're a sinner from the get-go, before you even face any choices in your life, before you make any decisions or exercise your volition—your free will—if you're told that you're a sinner, you're bad to begin with, and that all you can do is, you know, climb out of the hole but never enjoy the sunlight—you can just get to the edge of the hole—then it feels like you're afraid to judge. You're afraid to cast any blame, because you're carrying around what I know Ayn Rand calls “unearned guilt.” It's guilt that you never should have held.

Yeah, that deep belief in one's own sinfulness and one's own unworthiness would necessarily make a person terrified of being judged. And then the philosophy that we shouldn't judge, you know, becomes attractive—because that means, if we shouldn't judge, that means above all, other people shouldn't judge me. And if I'm a sinner based on whatever wrong standards there are, you know, I've been spoon-fed from birth, then that's not fair because I'm tragically then trapped.

The alternative to that—I'd like to spend a few moments on that. Andy, what would be an alternative view—not that you're born with original sin—but what would be the alternative that would make judgment a joy? I even had a segment in a recent course I gave: The Joy of Judging.

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com.

Hmm… The Selfish Path to Romance… that is interesting.

What would be an alternative view—not that you're born with original sin—but what would be the alternative that would make judgment a joy? I even had a segment in a recent course I gave: The Joy of Judging.

I like that title. I think the alternative view is the realization that we come into this world—and come into this world—we're not trailing any supernatural legacy. We're not bringing in, you know, some sinful element from our ancestors thousands of years ago. We come into this world neither good nor evil. We come into this world, you know, with the capacity to make choices, you know, with the faculty of free will. And then our character is based on what kind of choices we make.

You know, for instance, if you know you're a kid going to school and you study hard, you know, and earn good—you gain knowledge and earn good grades—you should be proud. You've done good. If you cheat, you know, then you've done bad. And so you judge yourself, yes.

So, I mean, people have their own character in their hands. And I love Ayn Rand's line on this: that man is a being of self-made soul—read “soul” here as moral character. Man is a being of self-made moral character. So we're not evil by nature, nor are we good by nature. By nature, the choices we make determine our character. And so we shouldn't be afraid of judging, because if we do good, then we should be proud. If we do bad, we don't have to beat ourselves up over it. Just change. Get better. Do it better next time.

So if you're in this swamp of always feeling guilty, always feeling like you're a sinner, and you've been taught that since you were a young child, the alternative would be to at least look at the possibility that maybe you're not a sinner and never were a sinner in the sense of original sin—and that you can judge yourself on the good choices you've made and bad choices.

If you've made a preponderance of good choices and some bad ones that you're cleaning up, then you can really value yourself and feel a sense of earned pride—a very good character. You've made yourself into a responsible person. Or maybe you have a decent job that you enjoy, good hobbies, good friends.

If you've run your life into the ground, then it's going to be harder to pull yourself out of it, but you still can try to make amends and try to repair your life.

Yes. And also, you know, I would point out that I’m certainly a sinner, but I enjoy my sins. So no, I don't worry about—

What are your sins?

Well… they’re probably—if you x-ray this—I probably shouldn’t go into them, you know, on… yeah.

But I think—seriously, I think what you're stating here is it's a very important point, and that people don't realize very often that morality is their best friend. They look at it as their enemy emotionally because morality is pushed at them as—

Well, they've had the Judeo-Christian morality. And the alternative is a rational morality, one that's based on facts, one that has common sense.

Listen, I want to thank you so much for being with us again today.

And I hope to have you when we could discuss my sin.

Okay, would love to do that.

And I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner. The show is The Rational Basis of Happiness. And if you want more information on Ayn Rand, who has a rational moral code, you can go to my website, DrKenner.com or AynRand.org — A-Y-N-R-A-N-D dot org.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

To be told by your romantic partner what it is about you that they adore offers an irreplaceable value when it mirrors your self-image. Notice that you can't get visibility by being with someone whose character is fundamentally different from your own—a co-worker you despise, a date with whom you have nothing in common. Such a person's way of coming at the world is alien to your own. You will not feel an affinity for them or experience a reflection of yourself, and you certainly won't feel any romantic attraction.

To act as your mirror, another person must share important values. It is no accident that one of the most painful complaints you can make about your partner is, “He or she makes me feel invisible, unimportant, like I don't exist.”

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com