The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download Chapter One for free at DrKenner.com.

Dear Dr. Kenner,

My husband and I are senior citizens and live in a very aggressive area. So imagine zero relatives living in a very aggressive area. We are mild-mannered. What can we do to stop the aggressive behavior toward us? Picture two senior citizens walking out and being afraid to walk out of their house. What type of aggression might they come up against?

I'll continue with the email. "We wish a psychologist would write a book on this subject. We try to treat people nicely and in a non-threatening manner. My husband does not go out a lot due to fear of being hurt, but I have to go out for necessities. Please help. Your friends, Jane and Jared."

Now, I don't know them, but that's a sweet way to end their question. My question is, what questions would you like answered in that book that you want psychologists to write? And what comes to my mind are the typical questions—who, what, when, where, why—and you want to throw in how.

The first thing that I would ask myself, or if you were my parents, I would ask is: tell me, who is bothering you? Is it everyone in the neighborhood, or are there a bunch of good folks, and really it's only three kids—three punk kids? Or maybe it's an alcoholic on the corner, or maybe it's a street gang. Or maybe the neighborhood is an inner-city neighborhood and it is very threatening. Maybe you feel picked on all the time, and they say nasty things, they call you names—you name it. How do you go out when you know that you're just going to be filled with anxiety?

So first, limit it to who—who is doing it to you? You may even be in a college town. It may be a fraternity next door, and they go on these drunken crazes or something. Not that all fraternity guys do this, or sorority gals, but I don't know what your situation is, so you want to ask: who is doing this? And name that for yourself, because you want to get a specific strategy to deal with your particular problem.

Then you ask yourself the "what" question. What do they do? Do they just use foul language—in which case maybe you can just ignore it, maybe you can get an iPod. I know you're a senior citizen, but maybe you're already up there with the technology, and you can just listen to music very subtly and not pay attention to them. What do they do? Do they steal? Do they call you names? Do they try to punch you or kick you around? You know, what is the actual threat? That's another question, and I'll come up with some solutions in a moment.

The third question would be—who, what—"when." When do they do it? Is it early in the evening? Well, you may want to plan your day, your trips out, around when they don't do it. Maybe early morning is a safer time, or mid-afternoon. Maybe all the drunks are sleeping on the bench early morning, so you can go out early morning.

The next question would be, "where." Where is it safer? In one direction—if you turn left and go to the market on the path to the left, even though your favorite market is on the right—would that be safer for you?

And then the next question, "why." What would you like to be able to do more? You know, what is your motive? Would you like to go for walks? Well, one of the solutions is to—

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad. And then Ellen will be back.

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One of the solutions is to get together with people in your neighborhood who are good people. You may think that there's nobody who's good. I once went to a workshop, and one woman said, "You know, everybody—I live in such an unsafe neighborhood," and when she thought about it, she limited it to one home—one group home—that was pretty unsafe, but the rest of the neighborhood was safe. And she even laughed about it at the end, that her fears were unwarranted. That may not be your case, but you can go to the police department and ask them what to do in your particular situation. Look for some legal guidance.

You can go to websites. There's a website on the National Crime Prevention Council website that you can go to, and what they say is that knowledge is the best antidote for fear. There are Neighborhood Watch groups that you can go to. You can establish a buddy system—this is from their website—in which neighbors check up on one another. I'm reading right from the website: "Buddy system, in which neighbors check up on one another, accompany one another to the bank, the store, or to a doctor's appointment, and watch over homes when neighbors are away." Maybe your husband and you and a group of people could all plan to go out together. Maybe you could get a police escort or a volunteer escort that could help you—someone younger.

Maybe you could learn some self-defense for the elderly, or seniors too. I know when I worked with a very difficult population, we even carried a little button called a distress alarm. So when I worked with some dangerous inpatients in an institution, we would carry that button with us just in case they got violent.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Doctors Kenner and Locke:

Here are some tips for handling unreasonable resistance. Be persistent. Go into detective mode to identify the real issue. Draw your partner out so that you both can explore his or her reasoning. "Help me better understand why you disagree so strongly." "I'm wondering if something more important is causing your anger." Such comments or gentle questions invite your partner to talk and encourage your partner to be more specific and introspective. If your partner continues to be evasive, persist in addressing the topic and your partner's evasive tactics. You might say, "I noticed that you just changed the subject again. What's really bothering you?" Continue until you conclude that it's truly hopeless. If this happens repeatedly, reconsider the relationship.

Download Chapter One for free at DrKenner.com and buy it at Amazon.com.