The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download Chapter One for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com

Jennifer, you're having problems with a friend and a co-worker.

Yes. It was just, you know, I feel very close to this person. We carpooled together on a daily basis, practically daily—as much as we can, it works out—and it's just a very disappointing situation.

Last Thursday, it was my turn to drive in a carpool, and I was only able to work Monday and Thursday last week because I had taken a vacation day and another personal time off in order to have an endoscopy. A week before I had a colonoscopy. So you know, a lot has been going on, and a whole slew of appointments for my daughter. And I was very anxious that morning. I knew the other person had to bring her car in, so there was going to be a little—

This is—you’re saying—this was your day to carpool?

My day to drive.

And then what happened? You weren't able to do it?

Oh, you did—okay, actually—

I actually called her up, my friend, a little bit early—like 7:30—to give her a little heads up that, you know, “Please let me know the earliest you can leave.” Then I called up around 20 minutes later because I figured maybe she didn’t get the message.

Yeah.

And so then she told me she could meet at 8:30. So I went to the location, and I was there at 25 after, just in case she was early. I’m not real good at always getting, you know, real, real prompt. But I got there at 25 after, and she came at quarter up, and I didn’t get angry with her, because I figured she wasn’t able—even though she said 8:30—she was having trouble getting up and getting out.

Yeah. What ended up happening?

Well, what ended up happening when then going home? Because I only had two days of work, there were responsibilities I had at work.

Yes. It sounds like, in a nutshell, what happened—she got upset with you because you couldn’t take her home? Or just give me that.

She got upset with me because—I think this is the curious thing—because she was asking me, “Can we leave?” You know, “Are we going to leave now?” And I said, “It’s going to be a few minutes more.” And we left a little bit later than expected. I guess we left a quarter to—

We left 15 minutes later, or half hour later?

10 minutes later.

Okay. And so then what happened?

Well, I could tell—I’m very sensitive—and I could pick up on her vibes that she was not happy.

So yeah. How long have you known her?

Oh, many years, many years.

Has this happened before?

Yeah, she’s gotten angry before, but it's kind of—

How does it resolve?

Well, I usually end up apologizing, but I just—I started to kind of explain that that’s why I wanted to leave early, because I was—I was kind of like—

You know what? I’m having a hard time following part of it. Let me see if I can sum up, Jennifer, and you can tell me where I’m off base because I want some time left so I can give you some tips. What I’m hearing is that—

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download Chapter One for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

What I’m hearing is that you—you have a good friend who is also a co-worker, you carpool together, you had some unusual circumstances, some medical appointments that you needed to get to that kind of messed up your schedule. And you asked her if she could come early. She accommodated, but actually wasn’t there precisely on time—she was 15 minutes late. Then in the afternoon, when you go to take her back home—or another time when you go to take her back home—you’re 10 minutes late. And she becomes sullen. She’s not happy, but she’s not telling you what it is. You’re left with a big, gigantic question mark of, “She’s upset, I don’t know why, I don’t know how to remedy this, and I don’t feel that guilty because hey, she was 15 minutes late and I’m 10 minutes late.”

Well, yeah. And I—well, I was—and I usually apologize. That was the last piece.

So kind of—yeah, I was trying to explain—

You want to be careful with over-explaining, though. If you go into too much data now trying to—

I had to get my work done. I couldn’t leave earlier, you know, because she was there—

Yes. Let’s look at all the effort you’re putting in, and you don’t even know what’s going on in her mind. I’m assuming that. So the question is—the skill is to draw her out.

“I can see that you’re real quiet. Help me understand you better.” You give a person an invitation with a statement like that. You know, “I know you so well. I know something’s bugging you. And I miss it when we just talk freely. And we were such good friends—I miss that. Help me understand what’s going on.”

Very short and sweet.

Rather than say, “I know you’re angry with me.” Oh, don’t say that, because what happens if she’s not angry with you? What happens if she has diarrhea and she’s just hoping you drive a little faster?

What?

No, I mean really. I love capturing examples when I am certain that I know that someone doesn’t like me, or that someone’s upset with me—and I find out later that I was 180 degrees off. I love capturing those examples because it’s a nice little tap on my shoulder saying, “Ellen, don’t assume you can read a person’s mind, and you don’t know their context.” You may have done nothing wrong. You can just say, “You look a little upset,” or “You look a little angry”—I mean, if that’s what she looks like, you can say that. But then let her offer: “Yeah, my kids are really bugging me this morning,” or “I didn’t have sex last night,” or “I had too much sex and I didn’t enjoy it. You know, there’s nothing in it for me.” You don’t know what’s on her mind, so you just give an invitation.

If you over-explain your piece, just like you were doing with me on the radio, you’re all wrapped up in every single nuance of what you did, as if you sound guilty to begin with—before I even know what happened.

Yeah, I found myself explaining how hard I was trying to be perfect.

She knows you. She—master.

Yeah. Wait a minute. I could just as easily be mad. I’m not angry with her.

Yeah, I know.

So you’re over-apologizing, or you don’t even need to apologize. In that case, the skill is to draw a person out. When you have a question mark, when someone that you care about and value seems upset, give them an invitation. And you can add one more thing, Jennifer—you can say, if she’s really upset—you know, you can say, “Something’s on your mind. I’m not sure what it is. When you’re ready to—if you’re ready to share it with me—I’d love to hear what’s bugging you, or what’s up, what’s upsetting you.” But don’t assume it’s you.

In your mind, come up with some other examples so that you don’t just assume that you’re guilty. My guess is that you’re well trained in feeling guilt. You want to be very good to yourself and learn how to dump unearned guilt. You don’t know whether you’re guilty of anything in this situation. Let her explain her piece. Then you can talk back and forth. But let her know that you miss the friendship, because I think that’s a welcoming hand to her.

So thank you so much for your call, Jennifer.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this.

And here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

One method for resolving conflict with your romantic partner is to take a brief break from each other. For example, one might go for a walk while the other listens to music. This would give their emotions time to calm down and their minds time to see the argument or conflict from a different angle and to consider alternative solutions. You should decide in advance how you want to use this method. Taking a break from the conflict works best if it is a mutually agreed-upon method that either of you can initiate, such as: “Let’s separate for an hour and come back to this when we’re in a better mindset.” Continuing to battle it out when you are too upset to think straight or when you are resorting to poor communication methods is counterproductive.

You can download Chapter One for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it at Amazon.com.