The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Archie, welcome to the show.

Thank you, ma’am.

And tell me, what’s your question?

Well, ma’am, I’ve been in a relationship for almost two years—in February, two years—and she lives in Oklahoma and I live in Arkansas, which is just that 20 minutes away. But she’s been married twice, and her first husband, he had passed away, and her second husband, they got divorced and moved to Memphis, and he turned around and they moved from there and moved to Mississippi—

Wait a minute, I’m losing you. She’s been married twice, and you’re in a relationship with her. You have been for two years. Are you in a serious relationship, looking to marry her?

No, ma’am. She doesn’t want to remarry or anything else like that, but it is kind of serious, you know. But the problem is, we both are bipolar, and I got other health problems and stuff.

Oh—what are the health problems?

I have what they call degenerative disease in my neck going all the way down to my spine.

Wow. Crippled?

Are you wheelchair-bound?

Right now I’m using a walker or walking cane, yeah.

Can you do anything productive for either leisure activity or for work?

No, ma’am, I’m disabled. I draw on SSI.

Okay.

She’s disabled. She draws Social Security?

Okay. Why is she disabled?

She—she had a ruptured spleen, and she was at work, and it busted on her and messed up her L4 and L5 on her back, yeah, and they had turned around and totally disabled her.

Okay, so both of you are physically in very rough shape, but you sound like you’re mentally doing fine.

Oh, no. I quit taking all my bipolar and the other medications.

Okay, tell me—what is your question? What is it that you called for? There’s some reason, Archie, and I don’t want to rob you of that time.

I love her, she loves me. But the situation is she’s living with her mother and dad, because her mother is real bad—on oxygen 24/7, double pneumonia, constantly.

Okay, so the mother’s health is highly compromised?

Yes.

And so is she saying she doesn’t want to move in with you?

Yes, yes. And see, that’s the same way my mother is. My father, he passed away in ’94, and when he passed away, with me being divorced and my kids all grown up—

Okay, how old are your kids?

My oldest daughter—which is dead—she’s 32, and then my oldest son, he’s 26, and my youngest son is 25.

Okay—your daughter died?

Yeah, yes. She was shot and killed by an off-duty drunk cop.

Oh, this sounds awful. Okay, tell me, you’re calling because you’re trying—this is a romance question, if I understand it. I can hear in this that you have so much going on in your life, that you have way more than your—than what a normal—when I say normal, what a typical person would have in terms of crises and trauma in your life. So you’ve been dealing with a lot.

Yes, ma’am. Yeah.

So, so you’re wanting something positive in your life. You’re wanting this romance, but she’s resisting because she’s had two divorces before, she doesn’t want to get married. And the other complication—apart from her health—is that she wants to stay with her mother. That’s the connection. She’s got a connection with her mother that she wants to help her mother. So what are you faced with? It sounds like you’re faced with an alternative and you want some guidance.

Well, okay, see, I’m in the same predic—same prediction. My mother is 66 and she’s in bad, bad health, yeah.

What do you see as your options? We’ve got two minutes, so help me out here. What do you see as your options?

My options is, you know, I’d like to try to get my mother, you know, to move over to Cola, Oklahoma, which is about 10–15 minutes from Fort Smith, Arkansas, and so that way, you know, me and my girlfriend could spend more time and everything.

Okay. The 20 minutes is a deterrent, then?

Yes.

Okay, and your mom—what are the chances, on a scale of zero to 100, that she’d say, “Yeah, sure, that sounds like a good idea”?

Is it one?

Okay, so that isn’t an alternative. That’s—that’s a dream, but that’s a pipe dream. So give me another alternative that might work. Because otherwise you don’t have a romance, if I understand you correctly, right? So what’s another alternative?

The other alternative is either—you know, which my mother doesn’t have long to live anyway. She—she has only 50% of her heart.

Okay, so you’re saying that if Mom dies—if Mom passes away—then you would be freer to move?

Yes.

Okay. But then you’re waiting for Mom to die?

Right—more or less, yeah.

And so that—that puts you in a funny bind, doesn’t it?

Yes. No one just sitting—

Okay, at least you’re honest about it. Many people feel that way, and they can’t say it, you know, because—

Okay, my father, he passed away in ’94, and when I was seven years old, I was taking care of my mother’s father. And then when I was 14, I was taking care of my mother’s mother.

You know what I’m hearing, Archie? Is that you are very eager to want to talk through your whole history. Have you tried therapy before?

Yes, ma’am, I have. And—and—the only thing that happened in therapy and stuff is that the psychiatrist that I was—our counselor and everything—he basically ran me down into the dirt, you know, like I was—

No, you know what? There’s a website—you can go to my website, DrKenner.com (d-r-k-e-n-n-e-r.com), and there’s another website I’d like you to visit. It’s called the Academy of CT—Cognitive Therapy—ct.org, and try to find a cognitive therapist in your neck of the woods. And at my website, you’ll be able to find books that may be helpful. But it sounds like you would—you would thrive if you had a good therapist. Thank you so much for your call. Wish we had more time, Archie.

Okay, thank you, Dr. Kenner.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com—and please listen to this:

Ned, here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

Most couples make precious little time for romantic moments. Making a relationship work and keeping the romance alive takes motivation, time, planning, and communication. Even small misunderstandings can destroy a romantic moment, and accumulated, festering misunderstandings can destroy your romance.

When you are juggling dual careers, work schedules, kids, paying bills, in-law visits, checking email, doing laundry and dishes, and getting daily exercise—how do you find the spare time for romance?

Notice a problem with the way this last sentence was phrased: “spare time”? What ranking was romance assigned? Where did it come in terms of priorities?

It is true that active, productive people have to make time for sex. But intimacy shouldn’t be relegated to the category of a spare time activity.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.