The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Dear Dr. Kenner, I have major issues regarding my self-confidence. I constantly believe I am slated to fail. It feels that no matter how much I sacrifice or try to coexist within my group, it will not matter, since I will always be lower than my peers. I do not know if it's relevant, but I stutter. I'm 27 years old, I live with my mother, and I'm African American. My personality is best described as silent, nonchalant, unassuming, and anonymous. I always put other people before myself, treating people with respect and humanity. No matter what I do, I feel as if I'm going to be hated and treated with disdain, resentment, and apathy. What should I do?

Okay, this is a really painful one, because you are treating everyone else with respect, humanity, and dignity, and they're treating you like dirt or with indifference, disdain, resentment, or just treating you as if you don't count, like you're a shadow in life. But how are you treating yourself? You're treating all these other people well, but you are treating yourself like dirt. That means you can change that, and I've got a lot of ideas on how you can change that and become what I call a "passionate valuer."

But you're going to need to scrap some of those well-worn ideas in your mind. Your modus operandi is to always put other people before yourself, and that's killing you. Yes, that will kill you; you're in the process of emotionally dying. Don't finish off the act. Don't commit psychological suicide. Rekindle your dreams—whatever sparks or interests you had in childhood, whatever you are good at. Instead of thinking, "Will they like it? Will they accept me? Will they finally give me the pat on the back? Will they make me feel good about myself?" toss that in the dump. Get rid of that whole view of the world.

Instead, you want to take a self-respecting view. Think: What do I like? What do I enjoy? Start with hobbies. What hobbies do I like? What career would I like to go into? What job could I get that would give me a longer-range goal of moving out of my mom's home and having my own apartment? Can I do it? Might it be scary at first? Of course, every new change is scary. When I first went on radio, I had high levels of cortisol flowing through my system, adrenaline running, anxiety high. But when you try something new and find out whether you like it or not, if you like it, you get a tremendous rush of "Wow, this is me. This is something I can do."

You want to tie your identity to what you do well and enjoy. You need both of those. So, you want to become what I call a "passionate valuer," someone who embraces their own life. It's the only life you'll ever have, so make the most of it. You do not need these people. If you're worried about the stuttering, let's take each piece I've talked about—moving out of your home eventually so you're not living with your mom. But that means you need a career focus and to earn the money to move out.

Now, regarding stuttering, I Googled famous people who stutter, and guess what? There's a website with multiple pages on this. I'll give you a few people who supposedly stuttered: Aesop, the Greek storyteller; Lewis Carroll; Winston Churchill; Nat King Cole; Charles Darwin, the author of The Origin of Species; Demosthenes, a Greek orator; Thomas Jefferson; Marilyn Monroe; Teddy Roosevelt; George Washington. And of course, the one that brought me to the website was John Stossel. I knew he stuttered, and look at what he does now. He's been on 20/20 and on TV many times. Carly Simon and even Jack Welch, past Chairman and CEO of General Electric. So you have a lot of company—stuttering should not hold you back. You want to figure out how to work with it.

Anxiety, worry about what people think of you, obviously fuels your stuttering. But what I would do is get the book The Fountainhead. That book shows you the difference between being a passionate valuer, owning your own life, versus always living in the shadow of others, feeling duty-bound to live for them. That's called altruism or "otherism." People usually think altruism is good, but really it’s a cancer in people's minds. You will still be friendly with others, but it will be based on your own self-respect. You won’t treat yourself like dirt anymore. Start to take pride in your thinking, that you can think for yourself, solve your problems, and maybe even challenge the stuttering, maybe even look back and say, "I used to stutter."

For more resources, visit my website, DrKenner.com, where you'll find wonderful books like Prisoners of Belief and Mind Over Mood to help you challenge core ideas about yourself and put yourself on a much healthier track. I wish you wonderful success with that.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

When I was in seventh grade, I was the fat kid in my class. I was the one all the pretty girls used to make fun of. Every day after school, I’d come home and flip through my mom's Vogue and Glamour, looking at these women—perfect, beautiful, skinny. I couldn't understand why I didn’t look like them. I just didn’t get it, so I became bulimic.

Obviously, that’s from Zoolander. Bulimia does not mean you can read minds. Bulimia is an eating disorder, just as anorexia nervosa is. With bulimia, you induce vomiting to lose weight, binge-eating too much, and then induce it in different ways. Anorexics do this too, but with bulimia, it’s more of a yo-yo diet. It’s very damaging physically and emotionally. Of course, if you’re overweight and want the body in Glamour or Vogue, you may never have that body, but you can take steps to be self-loving and lose weight in a self-respecting way, not through eating disorders but through a rational plan. You can see a nutritionist, find a plan that works for you. I don’t like the word "diet" because it sounds like deprivation—as if you're ruining your fun. Instead, think of it as moving towards your goals, giving yourself the body you’ve always wanted, that you’d love, and exercising. People dream about it, but you need the action part. Eating reasonably isn't depriving yourself of a third piece of cake. Have half a piece and enjoy it.

For more of Dr. Kenner’s podcast, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, world-renowned for his theories on goal-setting:

The view that sexual pleasure is only physical, unrelated to your mind, values, or character, is very wrong. If sexual pleasure were nothing more than a physical sensation, you wouldn't need a partner; you'd be happy with self-pleasuring. But this is not the case. To fully enjoy romantic sex, you need a partner, someone you deeply value. Masturbation or sex with someone who leaves you emotionally cold, such as a prostitute or a one-night stand, may provide physical relief, but such experiences are impersonal, empty, and brief compared to sex with someone you love.

You can download chapter one for free by visiting DrKenner.com and purchasing it on Amazon.com.