The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Right now, I want to turn to our after-hours line. But before I do, imagine working with the woman who is calling in. She describes herself as a loner and says she “blew up” twice. She lost control twice and feels that her coworkers see her as “weird.” She thinks it’s an elderly, very gregarious, outgoing, friendly type of guy who’s undermining her. She feels she’s the victim and that he’s the perpetrator. See what you think.

I’m in a work situation where I did not like what I considered power games played on me by an elderly, late 60-year-old coworker. He’s very social, and I am a loner, and it has ended up where I am disliked and isolated because it looks like I’m picking on an innocent, folksy elder. I trained him when he came into my group. He has a set view of women and minorities, but he’s shrewd enough to keep them to himself. But he has let me see what he really thinks quite carelessly about me. It’s been very difficult dealing with the contempt he shows me, and he’s excused for his attitudes because he’s old and genial, very social. I got in trouble for blowing up twice, and people wondered where this anger came from. Because I’m a loner and usually quiet, people now think I’m disagreeable and nuts. My question is, how do I stop being played by this person?

Okay, so people see you as disagreeable and nuts. I like situations when I see someone who looks disagreeable and nuts, and I’m working with them. I like it when they open up to me and give me their side of the story, and I get the full facts, the full picture. I end up possibly liking them, possibly befriending them.

So I think that you say he’s got a set view, this coworker—this elderly coworker—who kind of gets away with it because, you know, he can pick on you behind the scenes, and he’s older, and you trained him. He’s being trained by a younger woman, and if he’s from the old school, he may not like that a woman trained him. Or maybe, you said he doesn’t like minorities, so maybe he picks on you, calls you names, and lets things slip out in a way people did in the past. Bigoted people might still do that today, unfortunately, and it shouldn’t be condoned.

If you’re seeing it that way, it’s very difficult for you. You see yourself as set up by him. You worked hard to train him, and now he’s picking on you. There’s a justice issue here. We could focus on him, but for a moment, I would rather focus on something you can change—yourself.

You were so understandable when you called and asked, and you left that question on our after-hours line. I would like to get to know you better. If you opened up with your coworkers, if you didn’t have a set opinion—not about women and minorities, but about people in general—you could open up to one or two coworkers who seem friendlier, tell them the story, not to make them pick on him, but so that you break out of this prison that you’ve put yourself in of being a loner. Being a loner is protecting you from harm. Now, I don’t know if you went through trauma as a child, but I’ll bet there’s some trauma in your past, whether it was abusive or neglectful parents, or whether you were traumatized by schoolmates or a teacher.

Maybe you were mortified and felt like, “I can’t speak up. I don’t understand people. I don’t know how to get along with them. I don’t have the social skills. It’s just me. I’m happy this way. Leave me alone.” You can live life like that, but then you run into problems like the ones you’re having now.

I recommend a few books. One is The Loneliness Workbook, a guide to developing and maintaining lasting connections by Mary Ellen Copeland. I don’t agree with everything she’s written, but it’s a skills-oriented book, and there are some gems in it on how to break through so you can speak up with these people and tell them what’s happening behind the scenes.

If he’s getting away with contemptuous behavior behind the scenes and you have a “band-aid” over your mouth, you’re not speaking up. But if you take that band-aid off—and don’t wait until you explode and it bursts off—speak up just like you did with me, so empathetically. You’ll find listening ears and potential friends, and you’ll break through that old belief that says, “Don’t speak with people; they can hurt me.” You’ll get more hurt by not speaking with good people. If they’re bad, then yes, don’t engage with them, but if they’re good, open up and discover that your belief about people—and about yourself, that you’re capable of connecting—is worth working on. You could also get some cognitive therapy for that. Check out AcademyofCT.org to see if there’s a therapist in your area.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

Right before the break, I was talking about a woman who thought compassion meant self-sacrifice. I explained that compassion means self-valuing. Of course, when my husband goes in for a hip operation, I’m not going to leave him and go do my own thing all day. I’ll be there to nurture him because I value him. But if I were caring for Saddam Hussein, I’d leave him. We judge a person in their context, and if a person has earned your respect, and it’s not a chronic situation like Alzheimer’s (where there are alternatives like respite or a nursing home), you don’t have to sacrifice yourself to take care of them. That’s a rational approach.

If you’re interested in this topic, I recommend The Virtue of Selfishness by Ayn Rand. It may sound shocking, but it’s wonderfully enlightening. It discusses ethics from a rational perspective. You’ll be pleasantly surprised. Selfishness isn’t about getting what you want and trampling over others; it’s about self-valuing with respect, honesty, integrity, and valuing your own dreams without letting anyone step on you. And it’s not about bulldozing others, either; it’s mutual self-respect. If they’ve earned your contempt, then walk away.

Here’s another excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, a guidebook by Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, world-famous for his theories on goal setting.

"Surprises don’t have to involve white lies. For instance, you can invite your best friends for dinner on a special occasion without telling your partner, or you can surprise them with a small, thoughtful gift or a hot bath ready after a hard day. But a critical caveat: make sure you know your partner’s feelings toward surprises—specifically, the types they appreciate. A surprise dinner with friends might not be appreciated, while a surprise gift might be delightful."

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.