The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Doctorkenner.com.

Meryl, welcome to the show.

Hi, Doctor.

Hi. How are you? Tell me what's on your mind.

I have a problem with people using me, and I want to know why.

Okay. Can you give me one recent example of someone using you that's really getting to you?

Well, I had a friend. She was going to karaoke with me, okay, and when I found out her number and my quarter, she acted like I was bothering her.

So she was supposed to go to karaoke with you, and when you called her up to confirm, she made it sound like you were a real imposition in her life.

Yes.

Is that something that happens a lot?

Yes, it seems like that.

Is it possible you're wrong?

Yeah, I guess so.

What are some other reasons that she might have not sounded quite eager on the phone?

Well, I guess because I called too late. Well, it was really after 11:00 PM, and she was working the next day, but I didn't really know that.

So it could be that she was trying to get a good night's sleep, so she was irritated that you called her up because she had to get up early for work?

Yes.

So notice, sometimes you can jump to a wrong conclusion because you haven't asked yourself, "Could there be another explanation for this?" And in this case, it sounds like you're being nicely honest, and you're owning up to the fact that you messed up. You called her too late. If you really wanted her to go to karaoke, what would have been a better time to have called her?

Eight o'clock, I guess.

And what might she have said at eight o'clock?

I guess I would do something, because I liked her too, and that's what I would have said. Well, I really don't think she did like me that way.

Oh, did you like her? Did you want to have a relationship with her?

Yeah.

How old are you?

You're 38 years old. And are you working?

No.

Before you have a relationship, you really want to put your life together. What's going on in your life?

Well, there was another woman that claimed that I was kind of harassing her by calling her too much.

So if you don't have any job, right?

No.

Another person will not make you whole. Will not make you feel like you have self-esteem. You've got to give that to yourself. And if you spend all of this energy that you currently have chasing women—and I don't mean it in a pejorative sense, a negative sense—I mean, if that's what you're focused on, instead, focus on a career. What type of career would you like to have?

I always wanted to be... Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com, huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

Instead, focus on a career. What type of career would you like to have?

I always wanted to be a DJ.

A DJ. I'm going to ask you a question. Do you think that you're capable of being a DJ?

Well, I don't really know. I wanted a couple of days ago, I called a radio station. There’d be a truck show host.

My guess is that you want to broaden your fanbase out and find other things that you're capable of doing. What other careers have you thought of doing?

I've heard of working in a clothing store.

Would you like to work in a clothing store?

Yes.

Have you tried that before?

Yes.

Has that worked out for you?

Well, it did, but I quit after a while.

Figure out some job that you'll have some stick-to-itiveness to—meaning some job that you enjoy, that you can learn, that you can become better at, and that’s interesting for you, so that you can grow in the job. Something that you wake up in the morning and look forward to. So instead of putting your energy into this or spending time on karaoke... Where are you getting your money from?

Social Security.

When you say Social Security at the age of 38?

Well, it's because I'm handicapped.

What's your handicap?

I work on crutches.

But you still could have a good job.

Yeah, well, I tried to get one at the restaurant, and I couldn’t.

Try to work with some people in the state that could place you in a job that you're capable of, where you get some competence, where you get some friendships, and where you could get some feeling of self-esteem. Because if you're just receiving a paycheck every week and going out to karaoke—I mean, if I were on crutches, I would want a more interesting life than that, and I wouldn't want to feel so desperate for people. Once you feel like you like yourself, you have a good job, and you feel like you've got some better identity—a firmer identity—then it’s easier to make friends. And you can do both at the same time. I know earlier I said, "Well, wait a minute, stop shopping for a woman when you want to be shopping for a career first." And I think there's truth in that. You will meet people on the job, but you need to have some source of feeling productive. Productive is the key point that I would like you to take away—that if you feel like you're contributing, like you're productive, like your mind is engaged and producing something, and that you're receiving a paycheck for that, there's a sense of dignity that comes with doing that. You don't feel like you're just living off other people's wealth.

Yes.

Then you will have—even in the handicapped situation—you’ll be earning your integrity back. And so I would make that your current project and really put that wonderful energy that you have for looking for women into finding a career that you could really excel in.

Yeah. Doctor, can I expand on the woman that claimed I harassed her a little bit?

Okay.

Well, she said I called too much, but I didn’t mean that. I just meant to be a friend.

You just meant to be a friend. There are people that I have reached out to to be friends with, and they’re either too busy, they have young children, they don’t have time for me, or I'm not their type of person. For example, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke. So if they want to go drinking or smoking or partying and I want to be their friend, do they want to be friends with me?

Yeah, that's true.

They don't want to be friends with me. And there are people that want to be friends with me, and they're not my type. So all of us will be very selective in who we choose as the few friends that everyone has. So just because you try one person and they say, "No," there are people that would try to befriend you and you would say, "Are you kidding? I don’t want to be friends with you." You wouldn’t do it that tactlessly, but she has a right to give you some feedback that she's not interested in being your friend. You have a right to search elsewhere. There are a million people in my little state—millions of people here. You’re only looking for a good friend, right? So you want to look around for some other people that can be a friend. And if you're looking for a romantic relationship, I think at the point that you're currently at, I would get the job first, and then work on some productive activity that you have during your days. Even if it were some very good volunteer work, I would much rather see you getting a paycheck. But something that organizes your days, that makes you feel proud of yourself.

I was going to do volunteer work, but I guess no one would accept me.

Okay, work with the state. If you're on SSI and you're handicapped, work with the state agencies that can place you and see what they can do to help you discover something and feel more of that self-worth that you might otherwise rob yourself of if you're just living off of Social Security.

Okay.

Thank you for your call, Meryl.

Okay. Bye.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Drkenner.com, and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

If you're in love, you will take great interest in your partner's personal well-being. Showing mutual concern deepens your feelings of being valued by one another, and it's important to preserve each other's dignity while doing so. Showing concern for your partner's physical health in a way that's not belittling or paternalistic is important. This takes tact, and in some cases, subtlety. You and your partner should get regular checkups, including age- and sex-appropriate tests. If a partner is resistant, a gentle reminder may do the trick. In other cases, a more direct approach may be needed: "Honey, it would mean a lot to me if you got your annual checkup."

You can download chapter one for free by going to Drkenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com.