The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com and Amazon.com

Joan, Hi, Doctor,

How are you?

Good! Welcome

To the show.

Thank you, thank you very much. Actually, I'm at work and I heard you on the radio. I said, let me give her a call. I got a question for you, Doc. Do you ever feel like, no matter how hard you try—it could be in work, relationships, no matter what—you feel like you never, never go forward?

Give me one example.

Okay, I'm 48 years old. Okay, I am a gay female. I’ve been involved in a relationship for six and a half years, and it's been up and down lately. It was really good the first couple of years, but lately, it's been like on and off. And my partner did lose her father two weeks ago. It seems like it's getting worse, but I can understand that because it's her father. Yeah, I'm there for her, but I’m only trying to please people. I’m only straight even at work. I’m not around the subject even at work; I go out of my way to do those extra steps. I go out of my way to do extra things to please people. Why do I do that? How would you answer that?

Why do you think you do it?

I think I do it because I want recognition.

What will that mean to you if you get the recognition? If you help me out at work, if I'm a coworker, and let's say… What’s something you might do for me at work?

Oh, let’s see… For example, if you need any help with anything, anything I can help you with. Help you with some of your work.

What do you do as a career?

I’m a security officer right now.

Okay, so you might help me out at the hospital. Somehow you might get me during break, get me a coffee or something?

Sure.

Okay, and when you give me the coffee, what does that give you?

Good feeling aside that I was able to do that. It makes me feel important.

What else makes you feel important besides pleasing other people?

Oh, that's a tough one…making people proud of me. But how about me making myself proud?

Oh, that is so good. That is so good. Listen to this: you’re your own therapist because that is the key switch you need to make, Joan. If you are always trying to please everybody else, notice everybody else's standards are going to vary. Mom’s standards are going to vary from Dad’s standards, and that’s going to vary from your lover’s standard, and that’s going to vary from somebody at work. So you'll always be gauging, “What do they want? How can I make them happy?” And you’ll be doing a lot of guesswork and mind reading. Whereas, if you focus on the one person who’s been left out of the equation—and you’re feeling you never get ahead, you’re never good enough, you never quite, never quite make it—that's because you’ve left yourself out of the equation. And not only should you be in the equation, you should be the fundamental in the equation. So, talk about that, making yourself feel important and valued and putting yourself first. Have you tried that before?

Never, never. I’m always taking care of everybody.

What do you think would stand in your way of asking yourself the question, “What are my most important values in life in terms of your personal aspirations, your goals, your dreams?” Do you like hobbies, certain hobbies you enjoy?

Oh, yes, yes! I write music, I play guitar, I play piano. I enjoy that.

Do you do that for yourself, or are you doing that to please others?

Well, I do that for myself. And I used to work in the hospital. If some people were dying, I would take the guitar up there and sing for them.

Very nice, but there I go again. Now, I’m not saying that you totally turn a cold, cold shoulder to people because you get pleasure from playing to people who are in rough straits. There’s a genuine benevolence that stems from your doing that. But if that’s all you do, then you’re missing out on valuing yourself. It’s like you’re being—you’re becoming—the doormat, and you’re letting other people call the shots in your life. So let me give you the four areas that you want to focus on. You actually mentioned two of them when you first called.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm. The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

Let me give you the four areas that you want to focus on. You actually mentioned two of them when you first called. Okay, one area is looking at your job or career. What are you doing? Are you doing what you genuinely enjoy? Many people just coast in a job. That’s okay, but it doesn’t bring them pleasure, and there are no stretch goals. Stretch goals are challenges that excite you, that make the job interesting rather than just learning one job that may be interesting at the beginning, and then it becomes very boring after a few months, right? Do you have a job with stretch goals as a security guard?

It’s hard to say. My best job was as a physical therapy tech. I was at the hospital for 25 years. I was laid off.

Okay, do you miss that?

Yes.

Any way you could get back to that?

I try, and it's tough, but it's something I always look into daily, because I know when my eyes close, and I know I like helping people.

Okay, I don’t want to take that away from you because that sounds like it's integral to your enjoyment in life. I just want to make sure that you're doing it because it brings you a lot of pleasure, and not that you sacrifice. What was it you said at the beginning? No matter what you do, you never feel—

Any recognition, any…like, recognized for what you do or rewarded for what you do. I'm not saying like a paycheck or anything, just a thank you. Instead of always hearing little nitpicking things that you do wrong. How about the things you do right?

So, number one, you want to do that for yourself, Joan. You want to recognize what you do well. Then you won’t need to rely on other people giving you that feedback because you know you did it well, even if they're tuned out or rude, or whatever their personality is that doesn’t allow them to acknowledge or say the appropriate thank you to you, right? The second area is in your relationship. You say you're in a gay relationship and that the relationship’s been up and down. If your partner has lost her father, then of course it’s going to be up and down for a period of time. If there are genuine problems that have gone underground in your relationship, and neither of you are talking about them—communication problems, or maybe you feel that she’s the one who isn’t recognizing you, and you feel angry about that—then at an appropriate time, not when she’s in the midst of grieving the loss of her dad, bring that up to her and bring it up in a non-threatening way. Not, “You never pay attention to me. You never reward me for what I do.” That’s global language—you never, you always. She’ll feel attacked, and she’ll close off and counter-attack. But if you say, “I feel we’re pulling apart, and I remember how nice it was to feel valued by you, and I’m not feeling that. And I wonder if you're not feeling that from me either. And let’s see if there’s any way we can talk about this and maybe strengthen it.” That will put you on a better track with her. So, the second area is your relationship. The third area is hobbies. Now, this is living for yourself. You say you like guitar and piano. Those are two wonderful hobbies. I would throw in some exercise. Find something you enjoy.

Oh, yeah, I used to play. I haven’t done it lately, but I used to play tennis. I used to walk a lot.

Just as a gift to yourself tomorrow, give yourself some sort of exercise, even if it's just a small walk, just to reconnect and be good to yourself again, physically. And the fourth area is friends. Now you really, I mean, I think of my husband as my best friend. Your partner can be your best friend. It’s nice to have a few other friends who view the world the same way you do, and just to get together—you feel like you’re making an effort to go out for a cup of coffee or something to connect with them. Make sure it’s mutual. Don’t be the doormat. Make sure it’s a trader (T-R-A-D-E-R) relationship where you feel like it’s a give and take. Allow yourself to take from them. If you’re always giving, then you’re your own worst enemy. They’ll feel like they need to be taken care of, whereas if you allow them to reciprocate, you’ll have a much stronger relationship.

Joan: Yeah, that’s perfect.

Okay, well thank you so, so much for calling today, Joan. And call me back and let me know how things went.

Joan: I will.

Okay, thank you. Bye-bye.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author, Dr. Edwin Locke.

"Compatible personalities are crucial to romance. Being compatible does not mean being identical. It means that the partners do not constantly clash, but make each other happy on a daily basis. Nor is it the case that opposites necessarily attract. This may be true of some traits, but not others. An introverted man might enjoy the way an extroverted woman brings him out of his shell, while an extroverted man might feel at peace with a quiet, self-contained woman. On the other hand, many people prefer partners with similar personalities. People who are adventurous, for example, usually prefer partners who are the same."

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.