The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Barbara, welcome to the show.

Barbara: Yes, ma'am, I'm a 60-year-old lady, and I can't get along with people for some reason. It's not everybody. I lost my job. That's the reason why I'm calling because I'm sitting here thinking about how I'm going to have to go back to find me another job, and I'm going to still have the same problem that I'm having right now. Some people say that I'm not wrong, there's nothing wrong with me. And then other people say I'm rude, and part of my job when I was working was that a lot of times I had to do things they might not like, like ask for ID or stuff like that, and so therefore they had it out for me. So they call up and tell the manager I'm rude.

Dr. Kenner: Okay, so there are two possibilities you're mentioning, Barbara. One is that you've done nothing wrong. It's just that you've got a job that requires some invasiveness or questioning of a person. What do you do for a living?

Barbara: I'm a cashier. I was a cashier.

Dr. Kenner: Cashier. Okay, so why did you get fired? What did your boss tell you?

Barbara: Well, yes, but that was... I know you don't have a lot of time, but I’ll try to make it short. He said that this lady, there was a manager there, and this other girl that worked as a coordinator—who isn’t a manager of any type as far as I knew—she never was out there for 10 years. She came up to me and told me something to do, and the manager on duty... I couldn't do it because the register was messed up and it wouldn't open, so I couldn't move to another register. She went and told the boss that I wouldn’t listen to what she was saying and wouldn’t move to another register. I tried to explain to them, but they didn't want to hear it and told me in a very harsh way. So, I just... I just got fired. They didn’t tell me I was fired; they just told me I was laid off.

Dr. Kenner: Do you think this was just the tip of the iceberg, Barbara, that there were other things going on and this was just an excuse?

Barbara: They were really bad to me. They knew I don't have any family or anything, and I needed my job. They did a lot of things to me that weren’t right.

Dr. Kenner: But you worked there for 10 years. Notice that means you can keep a job. You were able to keep it for 10 years. What you’re asking me is a very specific question, though. Sometimes, you just need to change a job and be around different people who are much more amenable, warmer, and friendlier, and it makes a world of difference. I've seen that in my practice, where people will say, “I just can’t get along with people,” but it’s not them—it’s a lovely person in a hostile environment. But you’re asking a different question. You’re saying you feel there’s something about you that you’ve carried with you, and you want to figure out what it is you do that’s off-putting to people. What have you heard from other people, or what awareness do you have of yourself that you would like to improve?

Barbara: This isn’t the first job where I’ve had a problem, but this has only been in the last 15 years, since I moved down here. I never used to have this problem. I used to work as a waitress, and I got along with everyone I worked with. So, I don’t really know. Certain people, not all people...

Dr. Kenner: What do they say about you behind your back?

Barbara: That I’m rude to customers.

Dr. Kenner: Are you abrupt?

Barbara: Yeah, I am.

Dr. Kenner: Okay, I love your honesty. The north?

Barbara: What?

Dr. Kenner: So that’s part of the problem.

Barbara: You mean because I’m from the north?

Dr. Kenner: Yes, and sometimes you speak louder if you get upset. You talk loudly, but you’re not really hollering at them, though they think you are.

Barbara: Yes, that’s exactly it. I come off the wrong way, but I don’t mean it like that.

Dr. Kenner: Can you give me a quick example of what you would say to a customer? Pretend I’m your customer. Be rude.

Barbara: Let me give you an example of what happened. This lady came in, and we have to ask if they have coupons with food stamps. We have to ask because we then have to pay tax, and some people don’t carry cash to pay the tax. So I asked, “Is this cash or food stamps?” She said, “I’m a police officer, and I don’t appreciate you insinuating that I’m on food stamps.”

Dr. Kenner: That doesn’t sound like it’s coming from you. That’s her having an intense response, thinking, “I’m not one of those people; don’t peg me like that.” I’d say, “Oh, I love your response. I admire that you don’t want to be pegged that way. Thank you for telling me, this is a routine question.”

Barbara: I did that, but the more I apologized, the uglier she got.

Dr. Kenner: That’s coming from her issues, not yours. It sounds like you did something innocuous. Maybe she’s upset with her family. Maybe her family is on food stamps, so you hit a nerve with her. Listen, we’re right up against a break. Hang on, and I’d love to continue this with you to help you identify what it is you feel may be coming off as rude to people.

Dr. Kenner (continued): Here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner: When I was in seventh grade, I was the “fat kid” in class. Every day after school, I’d look at these beautiful, skinny women in Vogue and Glamour, wondering why I didn’t look like them. I became bulimic. You can read minds.

If any of you think that bulimic means you can read minds, it doesn’t. You can have empathy for someone who doesn’t love their looks. If it’s weight, you can do something about it, but if it’s other features, it’s harder. People either envy or admire those who look better or are more intelligent. Envy makes them angry, or they look up and think, “I’m not like her, but isn’t it wonderful to see beauty?” But if they make fun of you, like what happened here, it’s painful.

I was a real gawky kid and felt shy, attacking myself for my looks, but luckily, I fixed that over time.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Another virtue that makes you lovable is justice. Justice means treating people as they deserve. Ayn Rand calls this the “traitor principle,” where you offer your virtues in return for those of your partner. Justice includes showing appreciation and making sincere apologies. In healthy relationships, justice prevents resentment and keeps relationships strong.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and buy the book on Amazon.com.