The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com.

Speaking about problems at work, I got an email from Anthony. Hi, Dr. Kenner. I'm a civilian employee for local law enforcement. I have a pretentious co-worker, Harvey. He argues just to argue, even if his argument is totally wrong. Harvey's new thing is to whistle into the radio. When you tell him it's annoying and to stop, he comes up with an argument full of biblical references and quotes from Roman philosophy to justify his behavior. I have to big smile for that one. Everyone thinks he's intelligent because he always has some philosophy book or a book about Kafka, Franz Kafka. However, when you watch him read, all he does is underline stuff. I have complained to the supervisor, but their response is to get along or just ignore him because they want to deal with him.

So how do you deal with an annoying person like this in the workplace? Anthony, so, Anthony, what are your options? I mean, one of the options is, if he's totally driving you nuts, your supervisors won't do anything. Can you change departments? I mean, that's one option that may be very unrealistic, though. So another thing you can do is congratulate yourself for reaching out to your supervisors. And my guess, if this guy frustrates you, it sounds like he would be someone who would frustrate me too, that he also frustrates other people.

So your supervisor's advice is actually good advice, but it's very hard to implement. When you say, "Oh, just ignore your sister, just ignore your father, just ignore your husband," it's much easier said than done. So how do you just ignore someone? Well, I'll give you a few tips. The core of it is you need to shift your mental focus and ask yourself, "What's most important to me?" So if I'm at work, involved in a task, and someone's happily whistling away into the radio, I would ask my supervisors if it wasn't dangerous to do so, could I just plug into a headset so that I'm mentally shifting my focus, or I could enjoy the task that I'm doing, or I could have a conversation with a different employee.

And what I want to accomplish is mentally put this guy, Harvey, behind the curtain in my mind. Rather than put him center stage and have him be a consistent irritant, I would try to minimize any interactions with him. I would not ask him about his family. I would not talk about current events with him, or politics, or the Bible. And I would just—you don't have to announce that you're doing this to him. You just fade him gradually from your mental focus and put him into the background.

The image of Harvey whistling into the radio and justifying it with biblical references and these quotes paints a very colorful picture. So one of the skills that I have used for myself and passed along to clients, hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish path to romance—that is interesting.

So one of the skills that I have used for myself and passed along to clients is to imagine you were writing a sitcom like "Frasier." You need to create a colorful character like Bulldog on the "Frasier" show. You know, I always cringe every time Bulldog comes on. So sometimes they say, "Oh, great. Harvey is acting really weird again today." I can use this as a sitcom. If I'm writing my sitcom, I can put Harvey in it, doing this weird thing of whistling into the radio once again.

And what it does for me is it lightens my frustration. It just lightens my mood, and it kind of gives me a twinkle. It's just like I'm not taking him seriously. Then you could reach out to him, not the way you were doing it, because it sounds like you were ordering him to just shut up. And of course, that backfires. Everybody's going to continue the annoying behavior even more, which we all know.

So you could make a request of him. You can't control his choice to whistle or not, but you could say, "Harvey, I'm having difficulty concentrating. Would you be willing to whistle softly, or perhaps enjoy your whistling when I'm not in the area? I'd appreciate that." Now, when you make a request of someone, you have to be prepared that he may whistle back in defiance. So don't come. Attack—you made your request, he can honor it or say no, he might not honor it right away. It might take a little time, and you know, he mulls over it and eventually starts whistling a little softer, and then fades—that's not in your control.

And you mentioned that he reads Kafka. Now, I read Kafka. I thought he was one of the more depressing people. I would never use Kafka for emotional refueling. My favorite author is Ayn Rand, who wrote "Atlas Shrugged" and "The Fountainhead," and that's a much more upbeat view where you value yourself. You value achieving goals without ever harming anyone else and without ever letting anyone use you as a doormat. So if he's reading Kafka, I wouldn't be impressed. Personally, this is me. I would think, "Oh, my God, that's his problem, not mine, but what? What rotten psychological fuel."

You can also change your thoughts about him. When I see someone who's really annoying, maybe I'm in a supermarket line and there's a real loud person or someone really annoying around me, I say to myself quietly, not out loud, "At least I'm not married to him or her," and for some reason that just, again, gives me that inner twinkle, and I don't get frustrated, I don't get angry, I don't get annoyed.

So you want—you cannot force him to stop. You cannot force your supervisors to act differently. You can make requests of him or of your supervisors. You certainly could go back to them again. But ultimately, you want the skills, and it's a great opportunity to learn these skills, to fade someone from your mental focus and replace it with something that's much more of value to you. Again, another co-worker, or thoughts about what you're going to do with your family at the end of the day. It's your life. Make the most of it.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner, and my show is The Rational Basis of Happiness. And what the heck does that mean? That means that happiness doesn't come from just following your whims, maybe drinking or drugging or hanging around with the wrong crowd or smoking while you're hacking all the time. Happiness comes from thinking clearly, using your mind well, having the courage and the confidence to identify what's most important in your life. Is it a career that you love, your kids, a loved partner? Maybe you're looking for a partner. What's most important for you? Maybe it's a hobby that you just can't wait to get back to. Can you make that hobby into a career, potentially?

So we call it The Rational Basis of Happiness because your happiness matters. In contrast to, we're not telling you to sacrifice, to live for others, to feel guilty anytime you even think of doing something for yourself. And we're also not talking about running roughshod over people, seeing how manipulative you can be, and seeing what you can get out of them, and being a one-way street that does not lead to your happiness.

So this show is all about you, how to build good characters so that you admire yourself, so you can solve your problems, deal with conflicts reasonably, and take pride in yourself. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world-famous for his theories in goal setting. Loving couples selfishly want to give their partners as much pleasure as possible. However, there are two ways that focusing too much on your partner can undermine sexual pleasure. One way is to let your mind anxiously wander, worrying, "What's my partner thinking about me?" This is usually due to some self-doubts. Here are some examples of pleasure-blocking, anxiety-provoking thoughts: "Does what I'm doing look foolish? Am I making too much noise or too little? Am I too fat, too skinny, too unmuscular?"

You can download chapter one for free by going to Dr. Kenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.