The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

On the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free. DrKenner.com, Isaac, you have a question about some loneliness and some social skills?

Yes, that's true.

Yeah, what's going on?

Well, can I start off?

Yes.

I am okay. Let me okay. Really consuming here.

Okay, that's very good. I can hear you now.

Okay, well, I have, I have a question regarding social skills. Okay, so here it goes. Well, I think I find myself socially awkward when I talk to people. I usually, it doesn't usually end up, you know, really good. Yeah, I, you know, when I talk to a person, I let them do most of the talking, and I just, you know, stay quiet and I keep asking questions. You know, how do you think I can overcome that?

Okay, well, it's it. Do you know about communication skills, that you can actually learn specific techniques, specific methods to be able to express yourself? And I would highly recommend doing that for yourself because there are two components that I'm hearing right off the bat. One, one is kudos to you. It sounds like you're a very good listener, and that is one of the harder skills to learn, to listen, to inquire, to ask questions, and that's a very good social skill because people like to be around you. If you are a good listener, go ahead. Go ahead. I can hear you have a question.

No, no, it's okay.

Okay. And the other, the other piece of that is you want to be able to express your own mind. Isaac, you want to be able to say what's going through your mind so it doesn't feel like the person's you, that there's no you there, you're going to have one.

Yeah, go ahead.

Oh no, I see.

So you want to learn a method to be able to do that. And the complicating factor is if you have the viewpoint that, hey, I'm no good at social skills, then when you're in a social situation, you'll not be your own best friend. You'll beat up on yourself. Oh, I don't know what to say, and I'm feeling anxious, and what am I going to do? You'll feel anxious. Is that accurate? That you feel you start saying things to yourself that this is going to be awkward?

Yes, I do. Yes. Actually, that is true. I tend to just panic and it doesn't end well, okay? I find it hard to relate to other people as well.

Why do you think that's the case?

I thought I really don't know. I just don't have that mentality, I guess.

Okay, so if it's hard to explain, but you know, I, I do. I have a hard time expressing myself to the person, you know, and I'm always thinking, Oh, do they have the same interest as me? No, are they going to like me?

Oh, there's the problem, that one question, not the first one. The first one is a good question. Do they have the same interest in me? That's what I want to find out when I meet a new person. Are they, if they're interested in, for example, baseball, I'm not interested in baseball, so we're not a good match that way. Now we may be interested in other things that are similar, but if they're interested in something I'm interested in, we have a nice connection. We have the beginning of a potential friendship.

And so that part is good. The second part is, is going to be, not be a good friend to you if you're saying to yourself, will they even like me? That's a sentence that will undermine you because it puts them in the superior position, looking down at you and judging you.

Oh, I see.

And you want to be on a level playing field. You want to be like a kid in a candy shop saying, Oh, here's a new friend. Here's a new potential friend. Here's a new potential person. They might, I might enjoy their company. If you're always judging yourself, you'll feel anxious.

Isaac, I see and that it's harder for the opposite sex as well.

Okay, so let me just cap this off. You want to ask yourself, will I like them rather than will they like me?

Yes, will I like them?

What do they, if you're looking for a girlfriend, how old are you? You're 17. If you're looking for a girlfriend and you say, I wonder what's interesting about her. I wonder if I would like her. I wonder if we share any interests that will, that will. Those are not panicking thoughts.

Oh, if you say.

The question, the question is, Will I like her instead of, will she like me, right?

Right? If you say, Will I like her, you're not going to be focused on, am I good enough? Am I good enough? You'll be focused on, what's interesting about her, what hobbies does she like? What interests does she like? Do we share any? Do we go to the same school? Are there any teachers that we have in common? And so you want to be able to listen to her. You already are a good listener. You told me that you listen well and find out what you like about her.

And then when she says something that, for example, what's something that you enjoy doing? Isaac?

Let's see, I like doing martial arts.

Oh, and if I said to you, tell me about martial arts. What do you like about it?

I like how I exercise. I like how we do practices, yeah? Like the overall feeling of, you know, fighting, yeah.

So, and you feel like you could protect yourself, right?

Yeah. So, there's, there's the opening of a conversation with a woman, you could tell her about martial arts. There are some women who have, who are involved in martial arts. Is there something else that you're interested in?

I like computers, okay? And almost everybody can connect with computers in some way. So find out, list your interests and use that as a way to connect.

And I'm going to mention my co-author and I wrote a book, The Selfish Path to Romance, How to Love with Passion and Reason. And that's available at Amazon.com or at my website, DrKenner.com.

So listen, I want to thank you. There in that book, there are lots of tips that you could use. So thank you so much for your call, and I think you did well talking with me. So congratulations.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Once upon a time, there was a quiet little village in the French countryside whose people believed in tranquility. If you lived in this village, you understood what was expected of you, and if you happened to forget, someone would help remind you.

And that is from the movie Chocolat, one of my favorites. If you have not seen the movie Chocolat, just as it sounds, it is a wonderful movie, and it helps liberate you, too. That's the type of movie where, if you're living in a family that's telling you you can't step out of line, you need to conform. You need to do what mom wants you to do, or dad wants you to do, and you need to follow our path in life. You can't follow your own. You can't think outside of the square. You can't think for yourself.

If you live in that type of a family, or in that type of a situation, maybe even in a marriage, and you feel suffocated, watch that movie. I think that it will give you a different take on how to go about achieving your own independence.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world-famous for his theories in goal setting.

Taking pride in one's appearance is important in romance. Infatuation aside, you want a partner whose looks you enjoy. Preferences in looks are very personal. A woman who delights one man might leave others indifferent or even turned off, and the same goes for women. Evaluating men in romance will not work if your partner physically turns you off. Ideally, you want to view your partner as the most beautiful or attractive partner in the world that is attractive to you personally.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.