The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com

and here's a question that I received from Tina. Hi, Dr. Kenner, I've been divorced for a year and a half. My parents and my ex-husband Jack seem to be playing games with me. My ex-husband invites my mom and dad to visit him, and they accept; they go. This causes me much pain. I feel betrayed by my own parents. I love my life in this town, but in order to cope with the pain and hurt, I'm considering moving to another area. What can I do to prevent my parents and my ex-husband from continuing a relationship? Can I do anything? Tina?

Tina, in some sense, you're powerless to do anything because they're their own people, and it's possible they may be playing games. Maybe they both are upset with you and are trying to trick you back into the marriage again, but you've been divorced for a year and a half, or maybe there are other reasons. But it is understandable that you feel hurt, and the person that knows the most about your hurt is you. So you want to spend some time with yourself, asking some questions and doing what's called introspection, listening to yourself talk. What are you saying to yourself? One of the things you're saying is they're playing games. You've already got it framed—in cognitive therapy, we call it like a picture frame. You've already got it framed as, “They're out to get me,” and that can raise lots of questions. You know, maybe you can have questions about yourself: Why are they out to get me? What did I do wrong? You could have your view of others: “My parents should be loyal to me,” or “My parents never supported me,” or “They’ll always choose someone else over me. They chose my siblings over me, and now they're choosing my ex-husband Jack over me.” You can have your view of the world challenged in this: “Nothing's ever fair,” or your view of your future: “I'll never get along with my parents.”

So, you know, those are some negative framings. What about some better ones for yourself? You can work on that. What could I say to myself? Hey, I

got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it on Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting. You know,

those are some negative framings. What about some better ones for yourself? You can work on that. What could I say to myself? You could say something along the lines of, “I know my parents love me,” assuming they do, “and they also connected with my ex, Jack. And perhaps, let’s just make this up, but perhaps Dad and Jack enjoyed fishing together, so they still like getting together. I’m worried that they talk about me, and I’m unable to do anything about that. You know, I love them, and they may talk about me, but what they say about me is their business. I’m my own person, and I know who I am, and I think I can continue to keep a relationship with them and not make my ex Jack the focus of my current life. I want to move on in life. I want to—I don’t know if you're dating—I want to date, and I want to do, you know, a lot more with my life. And maybe I don’t have to leave town to do that. I can stay right here.”

So you can start looking at a different way of framing this. If you know that they are vindictive, that they’re out to get you—perhaps your parents are not so nice, and perhaps Jack’s not so nice, and they’re kind of ganging up against you, and they want to play games with you—you know that you’re not imagining it. They are doing that. If that’s the case, then you might want to say, “Do I want stronger boundaries with my parents?” If this is the type of individuals that they are, and they’re really picking Jack, who had three affairs while we were married, and I didn’t have any—I was faithful to him—and they’re choosing him over me, then maybe I need to distance myself a little bit more from my parents. Now, if you live across the street from them, then, yeah, you might consider, if you can afford it, to move a little further away. But if you love your town, I wouldn’t consider leaving it. I would consider really processing the pain and the hurt that you’re feeling. And you can do that with a cognitive therapist too.

You can also reach out to your parents. You can continue the conversation. Assuming that they’re good people, you can reach out to them and just say, “Hey, tell me more about this. I know you’re getting together with Jack, and I’m confused about it. I’m hurt. You know, I’m feeling some pain, and I’d love to know where you’re coming from.” That’s when you want to really sit there and listen to them if they’re willing to talk without saying, “Yes, but… yes, but… yes, but…” because then they’ll shut up immediately. Sometimes, when people talk—in this case, your parents—they may say things like, “Well, we feel badly for him because he’s so dejected, but we also feel badly because you’re our daughter. We love you dearly, and it’s so hard to choose and, you know, maybe we could see them a little less.” Maybe they will open up the door and change their position on that, in which case all you did was actively listen, and they changed the situation on their own because you were being polite to them. You were inquiring in a gentle way. And I know that’s very hard to do, but you may be able to draw them out a little more.

Now, if you have a history of yelling at them, they may not want to talk to you, or if they have a history of yelling at you,

and here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner,

I must say this Sam of yours is quite

a catch. We broke up last night. It was a mutual decision—well, a little more mutual on her part than mine. Anyway, I’ll be fine then. Well,

that’s the spirit. Just put it all behind you.

Exactly. Well, I must admit, I’m having a little difficulty achieving closure. See, Sam said that her feelings changed for no reason. Can’t help thinking it might have been something specific about me.

Now hold on, don’t try to make this your fault. If a woman’s trying to spare your feelings, she’ll give you the old “It’s not you, it’s

me.” That’s exactly what she said. It’s going to just drive me crazy, you know; until I know why it ended, I’ll just assume it was any number of things about me, and my self-confidence will be shattered.

Well, you’ve got two choices here. You can spend days trying to figure it out until it drives you nuts, or you can do the smart thing—make a clean break, never talk to her again, and get on with your life.

Much easier said than done. How many of us have been rejected in the past by a boyfriend or girlfriend or a husband or wife or even a best friend? And you just say, “They say, you know, it’s just my feelings have changed,” and they give you some vagueness: “I don’t know why. I don’t know. I can’t put my finger on it.” And, you know, they know why—they’re not that dumb—and they have the ability to say, “Well, you irk me,” or “I found someone I like better,” or, you know, they could give you some reasons, and they could do it tactfully. That would be much better. But if they don’t, what happens? Then you have what I call the “fill in the blank” problem. Let’s just say the woman’s name is Sarah. “Sarah left me because [fill in the blank].” You have a big question mark there—“because she doesn’t like the way I look, or I’m too old, or she doesn’t like my sense of humor”—or you go on this whole huge self-attack, self-criticism. You doubt yourself with it. Anything anyone ever told you, you can pull back out of—that wouldn’t be a treasure chest, but out of that chest, and you start battering yourself with it. And it’s so much kinder if Sarah were able to tell you, “Well, my old boyfriend came back, and, you know, we’ve been long-time buddies, and we just connect a little better.” Well, that’s still vague. So what could she tell you? “I don’t like the way you smell.” I mean, not quite. But, you know, there are decent ways of breaking up where you can tell the person a level of detail that makes sense. “You know, I’m a non-smoker, and I notice you’re a smoker, and it’s not a match.” You know, there are tactful ways you can say things.

So anyway, here’s to being specific when it’s appropriate, so that you don’t drive the other person crazy. Now, there are situations where it’s not appropriate to say anything, and it’s fine to be vague. For example, if someone’s abusive, you don’t say, “Well, it’s because you hit me, and you swear, and you call me names, and you’ve threatened my life.” You know, it’s much better to just be vague and say, “You know, this just isn’t the chemistry, or something’s changed,” and you figure out a safe way to exit. I wouldn’t even say, “There’s not the chemistry,” because a person could go off the wall.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and listen to this excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who’s world-famous for his theories in goal setting:

Many differences between partners’ interests that conflict with one’s own preferences can be ignored if they are not important enough to make an issue of. This is not the same as avoiding a significant moral conflict; it is avoiding making unnecessary waves about a legitimate personal difference. As the issues become more significant, such as differences in politics or religion, conflicts become more difficult—though not necessarily impossible—to ignore. Usually, such issues will have been considered before a close relationship is developed, but individuals may change over time.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it on Amazon.com.