The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Doctor kenner.com

June, you're dealing with a controlling coworker. Tell me about that.

I am.

This coworker is focusing on me during staff meetings and my job. She doesn't know her boundaries, and it's just giving me a lot of stress. As far as the leadership, they're either not seeing this, or they are allowing it to go on because it makes their job easier. They don't have to deal with anything. Oh, yeah. What has happened is, we've had this type of individual before, and she finally quit, and now we've got another person who's moved into her position and is doing the same thing.

Sounds like whoever's hiring is looking bad.

Okay, so give me a sampler. What happens in a staff meeting? I don't know if I need to know your job or not. You can give me the ballpark, but just paint a picture for me. If I were you, what would be going on in that staff meeting?

Anything that they can criticize I do. If they find something they want to go their direction, they'll push for it. We have had a majority of people that did not want staff meetings more than once a month through the summer months, because they're slower. This person wants to push for two. Especially if I say, Oh no, I don't want meetings at all. She'll be the one that, she'll be the only one that wants it, and she'll push for that. She's also pushed to ask when projects are going to be done. And it's really not her concern. It's my focus that she needs to stay on her job. She just doesn't know her boundaries, and she seems to want to control—some pushes like a very pushy, micromanaging boss.

Okay, so let me be her for a second, and you need to cut me some slack, because I obviously don't know her. But what if I said, "You're saying we don’t need meetings? It's the summer months, it's a slow period, and we're just wasting our time here. We could even skip the summer months, or just have one meeting a month." And if you, I'm assuming you say something like that, June, and I'll be her and come in saying something like, "Well, what are you talking about? I think it's important to keep the pace going, and we need to meet twice a month." What do you then say to her?

We have a lot on our plate.

I just don't have time for these meetings. And we're going to be having meetings weekly in the fall, and I have to take minutes too.

Okay, so immediately, can you feel that we're pushing against each other? There's tension in your voice and tension in my voice. If I'm the coworker, we have a lot on our plate. Can you hear the tone of voice? So you and she are already in active verbal combat, and you're no longer tuned into each other's emotional response, rather than the content. So let me give you another option. Why don’t you be her and push for the two months for a second?

Hey, I've got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick break, and then Alan will be back.

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Why don’t you be her and push for the two months for a second?

Push for…push. Tell me that we need, yeah, every two…excuse me, every two weeks, or whatever she wanted, right?

You know, I think we see how long this meeting has gone. I think we need to meet every two weeks. There’s a lot that needs to be covered, and it keeps me motivated.

You know, that’s an interesting point. Tell me more about that.

What did I just do?

Did you turn it on her?

I just diffused her. I am going to roll with her resistance because I want her to talk to herself. I want her to have a conversation on why two weeks is good, and I will be an active listener. I know I can speak later on, but right now, I want to diffuse her. I want to take the fangs out, so to speak, the confrontive part. So if she said that, I'd say, “Tell me more.” Sometimes it's called rolling with resistance. I'm on a wave with her, and I'm just going to ride it for a little bit to hear her better, and when I hear her better, somebody else is hearing her better.

Who?

The other people in the staff meeting.

Yeah, and someone else.

Me, you. And there's one more person—her, she’s hearing herself better, and that has amazing power. Because if she says, “You know, it really keeps me motivated,” then let me come back. First, I'll ask you, tell me more, and I'm going to keep drawing you out. That's the skill. That's another name of the skill. I want to hear more; I want you to complete your thinking on this. I'm giving you a canvas to paint on for a moment. It's not my picture. I want to hear your picture. Then I’ll share my picture. So what I might say to her at that point, June, is to sum up what I'm hearing. “So what you're saying is that it keeps you motivated, and you’d like to meet every two weeks,” and she might have two or three other points. So I really pay attention to her, and I repeat her points. Notice, not once did I say “but.” If I said, “You want to meet every two weeks, but—” now, how do you feel?

You feel like you want to push back, right?

Right. So in psychology, we call it “pointing to my ‘but.’” Now you can't see that on radio. But no “buts,” because those kinds of “buts” put the other person down. You know, “You cleaned your room really well, but, honey, you forgot your closet.” What do you hear? You hear the negative, right? Everything after the “but” negates the good stuff that came first. So I want to hear her out. I want to say, “I hear that you want the twice-a-month meetings. It keeps you motivated, and I love that you're motivated. I feel that way too.” And after she finishes, I might say, “You know, I actually stay more motivated when I work outside of these meetings.” So, we have different ways of staying motivated. So what I did was I just gave her my “painting” and everyone else in the room. I might give two or three points about why I feel motivated not meeting in the summer, without putting her down. So, I might say, “In summer, I actually get more done when I'm at home.” Maybe we could make the meetings optional? Others might say, “We’ve got…” If you have good enough reasons, you might sway others.

There’s just a lot to do, and we have this time where we’re not constantly interrupted in the summer, so we can get on a roll.

Okay? And with the projects, I know you want to keep a barrier with the projects too. Thank you so much for your input. I'm hearing this point, this point, and this point, and I'll take those into consideration. But as you know… then you don’t have to say any “Yes, buts.” You can say, “I’ll take them into consideration,” while holding your ground. Whose project is it?

Yours?

Mine, yeah. And I can take something into consideration. That doesn’t mean I’m going to take it, right?

Right. So there are ways to give yourself active listening skills—you could Google it. I wrote a book on romance that includes active listening, but you're not dealing with romance here. I wrote it with Dr. Redlock. So, I might recommend learning assertive skills and active listening skills. They’re going to serve you well, June. Thank you so much for your call.

Well, thank you for helping me.

Oh, you’re very welcome.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

I’ve been teaching for 22 years, and each year, these kids get more and more arrogant. Come on, Vern, the kids haven’t changed. You have. Come on, listen. Vern, if you were 16, what would you think of you?

What a good question. If you were 16, what would you think of you? When we’re the kids, we look at our parents and can be critical. We criticize them up and down. And I’m talking about good parents, not those who are obviously abusive or really bad, but maybe just strict or don’t let us do everything we want. Then you become the parent and think, “Oh, my kid never listens to me.” How do you resolve those situations? You need good communication skills to reach either your parent’s mind or your child’s mind. Also, it’s important to hold perspective—what would you think of yourself if you were 16? I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner, and that drop was from The Breakfast Club.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

What practical steps can you take to make sure that intimacy is a priority and not a duty? Start by promoting strong emotional intimacy and visibility. Find ways to reduce fatigue, discover the best ways to create a romantic mood, set aside private time, and ensure you and your partner experience pleasure so that intimacy is something to look forward to. Share fantasies if both of you feel safe doing so. Of course, as you age, your body still needs to cooperate. While you cannot control your actual age, you can influence how well your body functions. Regular exercise, a healthy diet, stress reduction, and enough sleep are important for both physical and emotional well-being.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and buy the book at Amazon.com.