The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Jenna, you're dealing with a friend, and you're wondering if you can forgive her, yeah, yeah. What's going on?

Like, we got into a really big argument, but, like, she's like, my best friend, so I just it's weird knowing that she's really angry with me, and I don't know what to do to fix it, yeah. I mean, like, I know I messed up, but then, like, she messed up too. So like, I feel like I don't know if I can forgive her either. So like, both, like, made a big mistake. Okay,

so that's one way to look at it, that you both made a big mistake. You misstepped, you said things you might not have meant. Um, how old are you? 17? You're 17, and she's in the same age range, yes, 18. Okay, and you've been buddies for how long?

Our whole life, ever since the third grade. Oh, third grade.

So this is not just a friend that stepped into your life a few months ago. This is a huge value, and you've been close buddies for that length of time. Yes, yes. So That must hurt a lot. Tell me what happened.

Well, I feel like I left her, but I didn't know that she like it. She would be so angry because I left for a few minutes, like we were coming from a place, her store, and I had to go with my other friends, and I didn't know that she wanted to come or anything, you know, yeah, and so I just left her, and she got angry, and I didn't understand that she I didn't know why she was mad. And so when I came back, she didn't talk to me, and then she sent me a text message, and she kind of cursed me out, and I didn't understand,

yeah, so she it, she assumed that you left her for some negative reasons. Either you were abandoning her, you had better friends and kind of used her up. You're done with her, you're moving on to other friends, or she might have just felt very vulnerable and left out. And had hoped that she was important enough to you, that you would have invited her, but she assumed something very negative. Has she told you what it is? No, she didn't okay. So that would be one opening you could say to her, I don't know her. What's her first name?

Her name is Alex. Alex.

Okay. You could say something to your friend. You could give her a call, or you could text her and say, you know, Alex, I realize I'm not sure how you what went through your mind when I went away with the friends. I'm assuming that you must have thought something negative. And you know, I'm curious, and if you open up a conversation being curious, she may be willing to talk. When she cursed you out, what did she accuse you of?

She just felt like, well, what she said to me was that I, like, abandoned her. She feels like I'm getting new friends because I we're really close, but like, we've been like, flipping away from each other lately, and so she felt she thinks like I'm getting new friends and like I don't she doesn't really matter to me right now, but I try to tell her she's always going to be my best friend. Nobody can take her place. I chose it all the time.

Okay, so she's feeling threatened and needy, and so, have you ever had a garden? Hey, I

got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

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Okay, so she's feeling threatened and needy. And so have you ever had a garden? Yeah, of flowers. I know this sounds odd for you ask in the middle of this, right? And if you don't water the flowers, what happens? They start to die. They die. They wilt. First you may get weeds in the garden, and then the flowers die. It's the same with a friendship. If you don't tend to a friendship and water it and pay attention to one another, that means Alex needs to pay attention to you, too. Jenna, if you, if you pay attention to one another and nurture each other and water each in a sense, water each other for use that metaphor, then, then you, you can keep a friendship going over a long period of time. And if you know that she felt hurt, it's okay to say, you know, I understand if you thought I was abandoning you, you've got to be kidding. I am. I feel so close to you. I don't know what I would do without you in my life. We're so close, and next time, I would love you just to say, Hey, I'm coming along with you, and I'd give you a big hug and we'd cut you'd come along it you could help her through this. Now, is there any truth in what she's saying that part of you does want to move away a little bit, because sometimes you know you were the best friend for a long time, but you are interested in new people. They bring out different aspects of yourself. Maybe you're more humorous with another person. Maybe it's interesting to learn about new people.

I bet it's hard to you. Hostile. Okay?

So you don't have to. You'd be very careful. Jenna about over promising, promising too much if you say to her, I will be your best friend for life.

How do you know? You know you're so young,

and so it's good to say, you know, we are such good friends, and I enjoy our friendship. And there are definitely times when friendships wax and wanes, they get stronger. And then, you know, I even look at my relationship with my kids. There are times my kids go off to college, and guess what happens? Am I as involved with them every day? Do I go shopping with them if they're across the country in college? Yeah, I love them dearly, but it's different. It is different, and it's okay as you if you're going on to college, or if you get jobs in different cities, you can still stay connected. I mean, you guys text, but in terms of forgiveness, you know, I think that it just letting her know I would get rid of forgiveness and realize that you both, here's the big word, contributed to the problem, but you both can contribute to the solution. To Jenna,

what are your thoughts listening to me

like I should craft, I guess phone trust to go call her, to her, and then listen to what she has to say and just talk it out and understand, understand more. Just to her has feel about everything. Yeah, water, listen has to do and

that you do value her, but be careful about the over promising. Don't tell her you'll love her forever and ever and ever and ever and ever, because you know you, you, you tell her where you're at now, I feel very close to you. We've been so we've been friends forever, and both of us will find different friends, and we can share them with each other too. And it, you know, let's figure out how to work through this, because this is a very normal situation. Believe me, what you're going through is very normal. Even adults do it. You know, adults will have a friend, maybe a neighbor, and then the next thing the neighbor sees that that the woman who was friendly with her is now talking to another woman. And you know, people feel vulnerable. They feel if they have stronger self esteem, they may not feel that way, but if they feel, if they feel like they're losing you, and they really value you, even with the strong self esteem, they may feel like it's a big loss. So my guess is underneath all of the anger is another emotion, which is sadness. Both of you are fearful of losing one another, so I recommend you do just what you wreck you said, give her a call, and I wish you a lot of good success with that, and hopefully a nice, very warm friendship with her.

Thank you.

Thank you very much for

more Dr Kenner podcast, go to Dr kenner.com and please listen to this. NAD,

Here's an excerpt from the selfish path to romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr Ellen Kenner and Dr Edwin Locke. It

is not the case that all the monies partners have has to be jointly managed, but a couple should always discuss important money matters together. Both partners should know how much money they have, where it is, how it's invested, what future income to expect, and the details of their expenses and debts. It might be necessary to have an agreed upon household budget. If problems arise, they should be discussed together before any decisions are made. A partner should share information about financial problems in his or her business, and both should fully understand all financial aspects of wills and other legal documents such as leases or property titles. If you do not have a will, be sure to write one.

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