The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Ashley, you're having some difficulty with a personality problem you'd like to fix. Yes, yeah, tell me what's going on.

Well, it seems that when I work, I have interpersonal, I guess, communication issues with people I work with. They either think that I'm judgmental, opinionated, or they say that I compare myself to others, or act like I'm snobby or catty. I act like I don't care about others. You know, parts of my personality... I do get irritated with, you know, people who are not hard working. I don't like lazy people, and yes, it does bother me, okay? And I don't necessarily try to be judgmental. It seems like everything I say is completely taken out of context.

So you feel like they're being unfair.

Well, if there's so many people that seem to have issues with me, I'm sure it's me.

How many people, when you say so? Like four people? Four people at work?

Yeah, and it's gotten to the point where I've actually had to go and speak to my supervisor, because things that I've said have been taken out of context. And I don't know if maybe my personality... if I come across too strong and opinionated and independent for some people. I do know that I intimidate people.

Okay, I've been told that since I was very young.

Okay, so when you were very young, did you have siblings? Did you have siblings in your family?

I have one little sister.

One little sister. Did she feel intimidated by you?

She still, to this day, does. Yeah, and she has told me that she feels like she has to get my acceptance and my approval in a lot of things that she does.

Okay. So you may have some mannerisms that are off-putting to people. That's what you're saying, pretty much, and things you would like to soften. So the only way you can do that is to observe yourself and obviously get the feedback you’re getting feedback from people, which is actually a gift if they're accurate. And then you need to figure out a better way to say them. I will share with you that when I was younger, I was an older sibling, and I did not have communication skills. I did not know assertiveness skills, and so I am sure that my sisters would not give me a very good grade on telling them to clean their room. When my mother would say to me, you know, get your sisters to clean their room, I don't think I had very good skills at all, and I think that they are delighted that I have changed over the years. They have told me that I'm a different person. I like that. So what are you hearing in that? Is change possible?

Oh, absolutely, change is always possible.

Isn't that wonderful? So one of the—can you give me one example of something you might say to me if I'm your coworker or your sister that would be off-putting? That way, we can look at just one little slice of it and try to change it.

Well, I'm the type of person who thrives off of communication. Okay? I love to have conversation. I love to debate.

Okay, but give me something—something like “I think you’re lazy.” That’s what you said really irks you. So if I’m your sister, what might I be doing that you might think is lazy, or a coworker, and you think they’re lazy?

Um, okay, I'll say a coworker that I... I know that I’ve put off. This person does nothing. This person does not do their job, and they sit on the company phone and talk to their spouse all shift. Okay, drives me mad.

Okay, that would drive me mad, too. So how do you want to deal with that? That's the question. You have a genuine problem. Should they be sharing some of your workload? Are you doing their workload?

Absolutely, because I always pick up where people lack. It's another part of my personality. When I see somebody who's doing half of what they're supposed to, I always feel like, okay, here is a team, so we have to do it as a team. So I pick up the slack.

Okay, and so now I'm the one that's on the phone with my boyfriend. Okay, I’m your coworker. What are you going to say to me? Or what are you going to roll your eyes at me? Or what are you going to actually do to me that comes across as opinionated, catty, snotty, and judgmental?

Oh, well—

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw... here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

Are you going to roll your eyes at me? Or what are you going to actually do?

My first and initial statement would probably be very harsh or catty, saying... something like, “Wow, that was a really nice conversation with your wife. Do you mind actually doing your job now?”

Okay, so you are... you’re very into your—sorry, pass-word, and I’m okay. The sarcasm has to go. If your goal is to reach that person's mind and be effective, the sarcasm has to be history. Give yourself time to get rid of it, but it's not going to work. I’m going to give you a contrast. If I went over to the woman—now you're going to be the woman that's on the phone. And I say, “You know, I sit here and I find myself hearing you on the phone with your boyfriend, and part of me says, well, that's nice. And another part—a bigger part—of me is feeling real resentful because now I have to do all the Xerox copying, and a lot falls on my shoulders, and I feel irritated. I want to, I want to connect with you like we did that other day.” That would be a much better relationship. Any suggestions?

Okay.

Do you think I would reach her mind better?

More than likely, yes.

Did I attack her at all?

No.

Isn't that fascinating? Did I name the issue? Did I describe how I felt?

Yes.

Okay, you need to get assertiveness skills books. You need to know that I talked about myself. I didn't say, "You did this. You did that." I didn't have to. Sarcasm is hidden anger. Don’t hide it. Just say, “I feel irritated” or “I find myself swearing in my own mind; this is not good for us.” I may not use the swearing, but, you know, “This is not good for us. I want to get along, Susan. You know, I really want to get along with you.” So I might do something like that. Ashley, just—you need what's called “I language.” The pronoun “I,” where you are talking about you yourself, how you feel, how I'm feeling irritated, I’m annoyed. I hear you on the phone. Help me out here. How can we resolve this so we can, we can get along better?

Okay.

Okay, so I would look up assertiveness skills, learn “I language” and learn active listening. Thank you so much for your call, Ashley.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

If you are interested in finding a potential soulmate, be on the lookout for and eliminate anyone who you consciously know is a poor match for you on the deepest value level. For example, one partner is openly anti-intellectual, and the other loves reading and learning and discussing new ideas. Or one is unquestioningly religious and a homebody, and the other is uncompromisingly pro-reason, anti-mysticism, and adventurous. Abuse is another deal breaker. Be aware of the warning signs of an abusive partner or a controlling personality, a person who tries to control you through fear and destroy you by attacking your self-esteem.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.