The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

ou're wondering how to meet your fiancée's daughter?

Yes, ma'am. Dr. Kenner, thanks for visiting with me. It's a really strange situation, so I'll get as quickly as I can. Have known this lady for almost three years, has a child with her ex, and they have been separated.

If you go too quickly, I'll miss it. So you've been dating someone for three years?

Yes, ma'am.

Okay, and to the point where we're ready to marry. The challenge is her ex has been so dysfunctional through that time that I've only met her daughter twice.

And how old is the daughter?

She has just turned nine.

She's nine years old. So Mom's had contact with her, I'm assuming, regularly. Has Mom — has the woman you're dating had contact with her regularly? Or no, she's only seen her twice, too?

Oh no. Mom has her in full custody, in full measure, all the time.

Okay. And Mom's kept—why have you not seen her then?

Because of the ex being dysfunctional—kill me if I come around. So okay, we kept that separated, but to the point now we're trying to figure out how to introduce me into this relationship in the most positive manner for the daughter.

That's a tough one. Father still has access to the daughter, even though Mom has full custody?

Yes. Well, we're deciding whether that needs to be cut off completely or not as well.

It sounds like if he's threatened your life—have you reported that at all to the police?

No, we have not as of yet.

Okay, what does he threaten to do?

Has threatened to kill me if he sees me around his daughter.

Do you know what method he would use? Has he said a specific thing, like, “I'll shoot you” or “I will…”?

No, he has not.

Okay, so it's a vague but a specific—I mean, the target is the end of your life, but how he would do it, he doesn't say. Okay, so take it from there. Your main question is what?

Main question is how to introduce myself into this relationship with the daughter in the most positive effect for her.

Okay. And what do you know about the daughter?

Daughter is a wonderful young lady, very, very well-balanced little girl, but loves her daddy even though all this dysfunction has taken place.

And what havoc do you think the daddy will—this dysfunctional ex—will have on her? What might he say to the daughter—you talk with him?

When he finds out that I'm around him, obviously I believe that there will be a lot of negative things said to the daughter.

About you?

About me, yes.

Are they based on fact, or are they all fabricated?

No, actually, he and I have never met face to face, so it would all be fabricated.

And he doesn't have a new partner? Or he does? Because sometimes when people who are abusive find a new person to abuse, they don’t have enough time to focus on their exes.

But that's not the case. So he's still in—he's in the same town?

He is in the same sphere.

Okay. I don’t like bullies to win—ever—and so appeasement is not a good policy. And it sounds like the policy up to this point, for the last three years, has been appeasing him, letting his standards rule your relationship with your girlfriend—or now fiancée—and her daughter. Does she want you to get together with the daughter?

I'm sorry, I couldn't understand the question.

Oh. Does—excuse me—I don’t like bullies to win. And it sounds like what you've done up to this point is to let him win. He—he gave you a—I mean, he's threatened your life, which is reportable, definitely reportable. I mean, he could have a restraining order just for doing that if you can catch it on tape or on a phone recording, on his—you know, the wife’s answering machine, or his ex-wife’s answering machine—your fiancée’s—then that you could bring to the police, because he has to communicate it somehow.

You know, if it’s through the daughter, then he should not be talking through the daughter. And you could again get the protective services involved, although they're not always as protective as I wish they were.

So tell me, your wife is—what guidance has she given you? What—yes, what does she recommend? Because she knows the player very well, this guy.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills—30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Allen will be back.

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What does she recommend? Because she knows the player very well, this guy.

She is—she's a little bit back and forth. Number one, because the daughter loves the daddy and doesn't want to take that out of her life. Number two, feels like that's probably the only alternative now, is to remove him completely from her life and, in the meantime, introducing me as—not a new father—but as a new partner for her.

Okay, as a friend, or as somebody that she—another adult in her life that she can befriend?

Yes, ma'am.

Okay. So if the daughter loves the daddy, then she is—has been—when you say he's dysfunctional, is he an alcoholic? Is he a drug addict? Is he—in what ways does he have a bad character?

To my knowledge, he is not an alcoholic or a drug addict. He doesn't even own a car or a place to live. So he rides his bike. His dysfunction is his control and his anger. Has never physically abused them, but has kept the emotional tension in their lives to a boiling point at all times.

And so the daughter, even though you're saying that she's wonderful and well-balanced, has a huge problem in her life that she's had to deal with—her dad, who's controlling and who can get angry very quickly. And I think it would be a good opportunity for her to know how to own her own thinking, how to be able to say, “I love these aspects of Daddy—when we go to the zoo or the park or when we sit and read books or play a game together. I don't like it when Daddy gets angry.” For her to be able to vocalize that would be a parenting issue—with the mother—you know, for her not to feel trapped like she can't say anything. Or with a therapist.

So one route you could go is to actually get a therapist involved to make the transition. So not only are you documenting things in case he goes off the wall and threatens your life again, or, you know, starts to take actions that are less than life-threatening but still abusive—and also protecting you—you also, so you could go into therapy and come up with a strategy.

And when I say therapy, not just you alone—with your fiancée—and try to figure out the best way of maneuvering through his particular tactics. Because each person who's controlling controls in different ways. Sometimes they do it through bribes. Sometimes they do it through threats. Sometimes they shuttle back and forth. So you know, the therapist could track that and work with you in making a transition.

You could try that with the daughter. The daughter needs to be—my protection is with the daughter’s ability to speak her own mind and to help her see that some people, or many people, are packaged deals. There's a lot of good in them, and then there are some bad things. And sometimes the bad things are so bad that you need to separate. It's a very difficult choice, and this is not one I could make here.

But if my—if he is as abusive as you're saying—you know, highly dysfunctional, controlling, and life-threatening—your life—maybe other—maybe he's used that with other people too. If it's not just a throwaway phrase in a bad moment that he had and he would never do it, that’s one thing. But if he really means it, that—and if he's out for vengeance, out for blood—then you will need to take—get protection.

There's no reason why you can't marry her. But you need to know for yourself that he may be on the periphery of your life too. That's a decision you need to make.

So listen, I wish you a lot of success with this, and be curious to find out what happens.

Okay, thank you so much for your time.

Oh, you're welcome.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this:

Ned.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Observe that people who are chronic sacrifices appear selfless in the sense that they want to gratify everyone else's wishes. Observe that narcissists appear self-centered in the sense that they want everyone to gratify their wishes. But they lack genuine self-esteem, any real sense of themselves or their own worth, and they desperately need other people to relieve them of their doubts.

This relief is short-lived, because others cannot create the self-esteem they lack. So their desire for reassurance from others is insatiable and unremitting. The most accurate description of such people is not that they are selfless or self-centered, but rather that they are self-doubt centered.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.