The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Marie, welcome to the show.

Hi.

How are you?

Oh, very good. Thank you. What's your question?

I have a problem with my teenager.

Okay.

She's changed. She's been with the same boy for almost two years now.

Two years? She's been dating someone since the age of 14?

Yeah, okay, but she's changed a lot over the past eight months. It's so drastic. Like, a couple of months ago, if my son would yell at her, she would yell back at him, not back down. But now, she's saying things like, "You should kill yourself."

She's saying this to your son or to you?

To him. After she’s done talking to him.

Wait a minute. Who is she? Marie, who?

My daughter.

So she's really angry with you?

Yeah, she's very angry with me.

What happened eight months ago? Are you divorced? Are you dating someone else?

No, no.

She's here all the time.

And your relationship with her before was okay? How was it?

It was always tense, she was always jealous, especially with her brother.

How old is her brother?

He's 19.

He's 19, and she's 16 now, right?

Right.

What’s their relationship like? Is he the good kid? The golden boy and she’s the rebellious one?

To her and to me, it feels like that.

How do you see each of them?

I never really had a problem with my son. He was the first child, and he never really went out much until he got his license. And he would never impose on me to go out of my way, whereas my daughter was the opposite. She would have me driving her and her friends everywhere. She was always jealous. Now she has her learner's permit.

What’s she jealous of?

She always tells me I love him more, that I should be married to him, while my husband favors her.

Okay, so there’s a split in the family. Mom sides with the son, and dad’s favorite is the daughter. Is that what’s going on?

Yeah, like when she turned 16, she didn’t get a car, but he got one. But the thing is, he never really went anywhere, and he’s been working since he was 14.

What’s your relationship with your husband, Marie?

He works all the time, so I’m the "mean mom."

Oh, so both kids come to you. What’s your relationship like with your husband? Do you have a close bond, or is it a settled marriage where you’re bored with each other, or are you fighting a lot?

We’re on and off. We fight a lot.

What do you fight about?

Being by myself all the time.

You’re by yourself because he works all the time?

Yeah.

So you’re feeling resentful that he’s abandoned you emotionally. How does he treat your daughter? Does he treat her differently?

She’s the queen.

Okay, so there’s some jealousy going on here that may not be just sibling rivalry.

He treats her like royalty. If she wants the BMW, she can have it. But she’s too disrespectful to me and my son, and I didn’t have that disrespect with my son.

The dynamics in your family right now are that your son is respectful of you, and your daughter is the rebellious one. And you feel upset with your husband because he hasn’t been connected with you. You don’t feel valued or cherished. He works too much, but he has time for your daughter. Why do you think she got worse eight months ago? I know you mentioned the boyfriend.

I feel like her boyfriend teases her. They fight for hours, but lately, I’ve had the police at my door multiple times because of my neighbor.

Wait, what do you mean?

It was fine before, but now I think maybe their relationship is falling apart, and maybe he wants to break up with her. That’s my feeling.

And she’s taking it out on you?

Yes, and he teases her, and then she takes it out on me.

Okay, so you’re the one she vents her frustration on. She’s used to being the favorite, and now she’s losing that status in her relationship with her boyfriend. She’s attacking you as a result. That’s another piece of this puzzle, right?

Yeah.

So you have two pieces of the puzzle: one is that she doesn’t feel like your favorite child, which is painful for any parent. You want to rebuild a better relationship with her. The second piece is to talk with your husband about how much you miss him. Don’t make it a competition with your daughter—just express your desire to reconnect with him. Maybe consider counseling. As for your daughter, if she’s willing, sit with her and listen. She’s going through trouble with her boyfriend, and if you can listen without becoming the target, she may come to you more for support, and you can bond more closely.

Thank you very much for your call, Marie, and let me know how things go.