The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

he Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com

Amanda, your kids fight.
Yes, they do.
Yeah, what's going on there?
I have four small children, and they all fight with each other.

Four children, are they all yours? Are they adopted?
They're all mine.
And no twins?
I have one son twin—one set of twins.

How old?
They're 16 months.
Oh my gosh, you are so busy.
I am.

And then I have an eight-year-old and a three-year-old, and they all fight.
Okay, and when you say they—oh my gosh, okay. So tell me, can you give me a picture of a recent fight that they had that just drove you up a wall?

Yes, the eight- and three-year-old start maybe roughhousing for fun, and then it escalates into where somebody is getting hurt, and that's kind of what they do on a daily basis.

When you tell me it escalates, is the eight-year-old a boy or a girl?
A boy.
Three-year-old is a girl.

Tell me, when they're having fun, what do you hear? What do you see?
They'll start by like maybe jumping on each other.

So the eight-year-old has an advantage there.
Yes, well, the three-year-old will jump on the eight-year-old.
Oh, okay.
He'll play back with her and say, "Okay, you know, jump on me," or they'll be playing around. And then I think he gets a little aggravated and then wants her to stop, but she's kind of over-excited.
Yeah.

And then he starts, like, hurting her back to get her to stop.
How does he hurt her?
He'll, like, hit her, like slap her, or, like, kick her. Not—I mean, he's a nice boy, not, like, severely aggressive, maybe just a little bit. He knows that she's a baby, but… and then she goes back and hits him. So I don't know.

Okay, so—but this is really interesting because it starts playfully. You can see that they value each other. They're like puppy dogs playing with one another, little kittens playing with one another. And then one of them gets a little too rambunctious, and the other one says, "Hey, I have boundaries here." But the one that wants the boundaries doesn't know how to appropriately communicate it to the little one—the three-year-old or puppy dogs, whichever imagery you want. And so he needs more skills.

Okay, and we’ll come back to that in a minute. What do you typically do that obviously isn't working—otherwise you wouldn't be making the phone call?

Usually I say, "You know, you guys stop!" like, continuously. And then, "Oh, you know, Ethan, your sister—she’s… well, she's a baby. You know, she doesn't understand. And you're bigger than her, you should be nicer." I usually just try to talk to him. I've tried time-out one time, and he was just like, "Mom, I'm too big for this."

That's so cute. Okay, so he said—what I do want to mention something right up front, which is that I think you're doing something really good. And that’s that even though he's—what is he doing?—hitting or kicking a little bit, you know, to get her to stop, and she’s reciprocating, you're seeing him as essentially a really good kid. You said he's a nice boy, he's not aggressive. So this is not the norm.

You want to hold that context, because your image of him will play out in the way you treat him. And if you see him as essentially a nice boy, you're much more likely to be more resourceful in finding ways to help communicate, to work with him, to have the skills to get the three-year-old to slow down a bit.

Okay, so let's go back to—so I wanted to say that, because when you cast your kid in a bad role—"He's always a bratty kid; he's just like my brother"—forget it. You're lost. Because for the rest of your life, you see that kid—your own child—as like your own bratty brother. How are you going to break out of that one unless you do the thinking work?

So he's a good kid. You've got two good kids. They're playful. They're like little kittens or puppies. And he needs skills. You can work with him. He's eight years old. Time-out didn’t work. And I think that's a cute example of, “Hey Mom, too old for this.” You know, it's like he's educating you.

And it doesn't work because you think kids are sitting in the corner saying, “Oh, let me think about the bad thing I did and come up with a better way to deal with it.” Instead, they're usually saying, “Mommy’s mean. She put me in a corner. When’s my time up?”

So let's—in the last minute or so—let's just talk about what would be a better way to address this with him.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that. Hit a very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance.
I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship.
Well, I wish I knew more about what I want.
Where's that ad I saw?
Here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance—a serious romance guidebook.
Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com.
Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

In the last minute or so, let's just talk about what would be a better way to address this with him before they start roughhousing again. You don't do it when they're roughhousing. What might you say that might potentially reach him before they start rough—

Yeah, because you know what, we're so short on time that let me just give her some tips.

If you lecture him, he's going to feel guilty. “She's the little one.” If you present it as a problem and he's a detective or he's a scientist trying to solve a problem, it's like, “Hey, we’ve got a problem here. What ideas do you have? You know, your sister gets a little rambunctious and you both like it, and then there's a time when you don’t like it. Can you come—let’s brainstorm. Let’s come up with some ideas where you might be able to stop her without the hitting and without the whatever, because you don’t like me yelling at you and I don’t like hearing the—you don’t like her jumping on you. So let’s come up with a few ideas and maybe you’ll come up with something or I’ll come up with something that you like, that you could try.”

Okay, and so then you might come up with holding up a funny sign or holding up a stuffed animal that just signals to her, “Hey, it’s time to stop.” And it would be a fun way for him to be able to let her know that she needs to wind down.

And he may need to give her a minute to wind down, because none of us stop immediately. If someone says to me, “Ellen, stop laughing,” I can't stop laughing right away. I need a moment to kind of calm down. So he might need to—before he gets to his most irritated moment—he may need to give her a heads-up.

So there's a wonderful book—go to my website: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. My website is DrKenner.com.

Amanda?
Okay, thank you so much.
Okay, thank you, and enjoy your kittens or your puppy dogs.
Okay, the kids. Bye-bye.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.
Now, Bebe, tell me—what is so wonderful about smoking?

Everything. I like the way a fresh, firm pack feels in my hand. I like peeling away that little piece of cellophane and seeing it twinkle in the light, coaxing that first sweet cylinder out of its hiding place and bringing it slowly up to my lips, striking a match, watching it burst into a perfect little flame, and knowing that soon that flame will be inside me.

I love the first puff, pulling it into my lungs—little fingers of smoke filling me, caressing me, feeling that warmth penetrate deeper and deeper. I think I'm going to burst. Then—whoosh—watching it flow out of me in a lovely, sinuous cloud. No two ever quite the same.

Now, how many people think that if they’re smokers? But they do something else.

If you're a smoker and you're trying to quit—you do you—excuse me, if you're having difficulties quitting, it’s because you have a series of images, of thoughts, of experiences with smoking that make smoking a value. You might see it as a stress reliever. You might see it as sexy, the way this woman’s doing on Frasier. This is from a cut from Frasier.

It may be that you see it as defiance—that “You can't tell me what to do”—to maybe a family member who's telling you to stop smoking.

And to be able to look at all those individual thoughts and the feelings associated with them, and to be able to look carefully at them—put them in a bigger context, a bigger perspective, where you see that it isn’t a value to you, even though you experience it as a value.

In the bigger picture, if you want to quit smoking, it isn’t a value. You need to be able to do that work to convince yourself that all those values are actually not values to you. And that takes change, and I recommend a book: Changing for Good, which is on my website, DrKenner.com—D-R-K-E-N-N-E-R.com.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

And please listen to this:

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Love is an emotion, and all emotions have consciously identifiable causes. But certain factors make the causes of emotions such as love, joy, and sadness especially difficult to identify. Emotions occur automatically and instantly based on how we appraise people or situations.

Emotions don't develop in slow motion. You catch your boyfriend in bed with your best friend, and you are instantly flooded with anger. You reunite with your husband after he's returned from his military tour of duty, and you immediately feel overjoyed.

The appraisals causing our emotions are not only automatic, but also subconscious—outside of our immediate awareness. You feel irritated with your wife, but may not be able to easily put into words what's specifically causing your irritation.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.