The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @amazon.com

Nancy, welcome to the show.
Hi.
Hi. Tell me what's going on.
Well, I have a seven-year-old and a four-year-old, and all they want to do is watch TV and play video games.
Okay.
And I want to know how I can change that, or have them do something else other than that.

Let's see what has piqued their interest. When they watch TV, what do they watch? Do they watch animal shows? When they play video games, what does it involve?

Actually, they watch cartoons. We put On Demand because there's no commercials, yeah, and so they watch cartoons. The seven-year-old, he likes to watch like action, Cartoon Network. He's into this character called Ben 10, which he's like an alien that turns into different aliens. And he's really nice. He's a really nice alien.

A nice alien. I'm not familiar with it, yeah.

I let him watch that. I supervise what they watch and for how long, but they want to do it, like, all the time.

I wonder if there is a book on Ben Alien?

Oh, I don't know.

Because if you got him a little book on it, he may segue into reading.

Oh, okay, maybe.

Oh, go ahead.

Okay. Well, I wanted to say that he loves to read. My seven-year-old is a really good reader, and he reads books after books after books. So he does read a lot, but mostly he just wants to play, watch the TV, or play the video games. And because he wants to do that, the four-year-old is mimicking him. Wants to do the same—like all he wants to do is watch TV with his brother, and they sit there like statues.

Then you definitely want to get them out and about. But if you try to force them, if you try to say, "Okay, you have to turn off the TV now," guess what happens when they hear the "have to"?

What?

They're going to resent it. If I told you, if you're in the middle of a program and I say, "You have to turn it off now, Nancy. You have to do something else. You have to get outside and get some exercise," how do you feel towards me?

Yeah, then I wouldn't like you.

Would resent it. Whereas if I said, "Hey, I just got a new..." and then a new badminton game—maybe not badminton—but a new game outside, something we can try. Maybe I used to have those little... I don’t know what they were. They were kind of rubbery ping-pong paddles, but you could bat a ball back and forth with the kids, or a lot of different activities that just piqued their interest. Even cooking in the kitchen. I got a book on cooking chemistry for kids and just teaching them what yeast does, how bread rises, or we made something called Oobleck, which was...

Oh, yeah, I did that with my seven-year-old.

...which is like, you can pull it up with... What is it made of?

I don't remember, but it's like, when it's in the liquid, it’s like a liquid.

It becomes a solid.

You pull it up, and it's like mud at a beach, but you punch down on it and it is hard.

It’s made with... not baking powder. Is it baking powder or something like that?

I think it was cornstarch.

Cornstarch! You're exactly right. You're exactly right. And so there are wonderful activities that, if you yourself have in your mind a menu of fun things to do... For example, if you said your kids were interested in cartoons about animals—

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship.
Well, I wish I knew more about what I want.
Where’s that ad I saw?
Here it is.
The Selfish Path to Romance—a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com, huh?
The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

Have in your mind a menu of fun things to do. For example, if you said your kids were interested in cartoons about animals—wow, a trip to the zoo would be fun.

Yeah. Well, we do all that stuff. We are very hands-on. Like, we take them to the tide pools at the beach, and they, you know, they find stuff. Like, we do a lot of things with them that are adventurous.

Yeah. So what is the problem? Sounds like they already have a rounded life, and you're wanting less TV. How much do they watch a day?

Like I said, I put On Demand, so they're allowed—each cartoon is 15 minutes.
Yeah.
So I allow two, so there's like half an hour. And there's no commercials—it's half an hour.

So you're worried about a half an hour a day of cartoons.

Well, no. See, they want to do it all the time.

Oh. Then you can give them what's called a limited choice, or a forced choice. You just say, “Listen, we've got a lot of things.” You pick a day when there are some exciting things to do, apart from TV. And you can say to them, “You're welcome to pick what two 15-minute blocks you would like today. We're going to the beach later,” or, “We're going sledding,” if it’s in the winter, “You know, you're going to the zoo.” And so they can pick 15-minute blocks.

And you can segue them away from the TV—not force them away—but get them interested in... they’re already interested in so many things. The reading, as I mentioned, maybe cooking, maybe growing some plants and just seeing how they grow—really motivating them so that they prefer being active. Maybe building with Legos. I’m sure you’ve got those types of toys. But thinking toys. I always wanted to give my kids thinking activities. Even with the cooking—it was cooking chemistry.

Yeah.

So if you enjoy that, there are ideas. I don’t know if you’re aware of the Montessori approach.

Yes, my four-year-old went there.

Oh, okay. There’s a book—there are books. These are older books—by Elizabeth Hainstock—on activities you can do in the house.

What was her name?

Elizabeth Hainstock. H-A-I-N-S-T-O-C-K. There are probably many more now, many good books of activities that you yourself can do with the kids in the house. And as you know, there are tons of books on the market with wonderful ideas, and it's fun to come up with your own ideas and to help the kids brainstorm to come up with their own ideas.

But I would segue them away from it gradually and make it their choice. You know, we can—and then choose something really fun to do—“We can make a... I don’t know... Oobleck today, or you can watch your 15 minutes of TV.” And they may choose the TV, and then eventually they may prefer to do the other. Or the four-year-old may choose the TV and the other one may choose... Emmy may choose Oobleck—you know, making that ooey gooey stuff. And the other one may still watch TV. But to hear you laughing in the other room and being intrigued...

So the goal is motivation—to motivate them to do something other than TV, and to limit the TV to maybe that half hour and let them choose which minutes they want, you know, in a reasonable time.

Thank you so much.

So much. Oh, your child.

Okay, and here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

“Sharon is my friend, and you better not hurt her.”
“Hurt her? I am crazy about her. I never felt this way before. You know, on my way to work, all these songs on the radio suddenly made sense to me. Have you ever listened to the words to ‘Time in a Bottle’? It is so beautiful. Man, I had to pull over. You know what? I gotta call her. No—wait—no, I gotta play hard to get. But I miss the sound of her voice. I’m calling her. No, wait—is 280. Chicks hate that. I shouldn’t call her... but I want to.”

And that’s from Frasier. That’s Bulldog going crazy because he’s infatuated with a woman. Now, it may not be Bulldog, but can you remember the times in your life when you felt—again, maybe not like Bulldog because he’s so silly—but you just felt that intense infatuation with a person. You admire them. You're hoping that they admire you and that they respond to you, and maybe they do, and you have that wonderful dating period and that courtship. And wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could keep that throughout your relationship, assuming that the relationship continues?

Well, there are techniques that you can learn—and I don’t want to call them techniques in a negative sense—but there are methods of staying together. Ideas—fundamental ideas—that you can hold. And the key one is being rational with one another. It doesn’t mean not emotional, because look—we're going after that passion in life. That passionate feeling of just feeling tingly around that person, just feeling like you’re in a cocoon with that person.

How to retain that over the years, knowing that there will be times when you won’t have that with one another.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner, and I can help you do that.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this:

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

It’s no accident that narcissists and altruists often have a magnetic attraction to one another. Can you see how perfect the fit is? The altruist feels the need to selflessly serve others, and this is just what a narcissist wants.

Narcissists want to be worshipped and gratified in every way possible. And this is just what the altruists offer, thinking it demonstrates their moral virtue. But the fact that they represent a perfect fit does not make such a relationship successful. The narcissist cannot be satisfied and may soon tire of just one worshipper. And the more selfless the worship the altruist offers, the greater the feeling of emptiness that results.

Such people may stay together out of fear or inertia, but it won’t be a relationship between self-respecting equals, and it certainly won’t be romantic.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com