The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com

Debbie, you're having some problems with your teenage son.
Yes, I am.
Yeah. Tell me what. What happened—did his husband die?
Yes, my husband was killed 18 months ago now.
Oh, that is sad.
And we've been in therapy. I've taken them to support groups that are mainly for—that are addressed mainly for—military families. However, my son has gotten involved with one of the other children that also lost her father, and she's a bit younger. And we told him that they couldn't date, that they could only be friends.
And how old—how old is he?
He's 15.
He's 15, and she's...
I don't even want to say this.
Okay, okay, okay.
Go ahead.
And, you know, we told them that they couldn't see each other and everything.
You mean they couldn't date?
They couldn't date. They could see each other, you know, at the teen groups and everything that were, you know, for support. It was the grief group for the teenagers, for the kids. And she lived quite a ways away from us, and she found a way to get here, and they did things that they shouldn't have, being so young. And we found out about it. And, of course, then everything had to stop because—I mean, she was finding ways here, and we didn't know about it.
She's a resourceful gal.
Yes, she is. She's very—and I, from what I understand, she had issues before her father died.
Okay.
I just recently found this out.
And what effect has it had on your son?
Now, he is being extremely disrespectful. He skipped school today. He's telling me that I'm not the boss of him, that I can't tell him what to do anymore, and that I just need a dad in his life and I can't, you know, do anything to him. And basically, I mean, being completely rebellious.
Was that what he was like before?
No, not at all.
What was he like—what was your relationship like before your husband died?
Great with you?
And even, you know, throughout, you know, the past—with the exception of this past month—yeah, it's been pretty good too. There's been ups and downs, but you know, we've been, you know, through them. And you know, nothing to the magnitude of where he's at now.
What do you think is driving it? The fact that he can't have what he wants? He can't see this woman?
No—
This girl, right?
Thank you.
So he's fallen in love with this young girl, and you're the barrier. The parents are. His mother is the barrier—that you're not letting them connect, which makes them want each other even more.
Yes.
Right? And so you’ve become the villain.
And I understand that. And I've, yeah, you know. And I've even said that to him in so much words, you know. And I also understand that they are, you know, trying to help each other through this loss that they have—
Right.
—that they both share. They're trying to replace that void that is their father. And they can't do that with one another, not at this point in time.
They just can't. You can't replace that void.
So they're leaning on one another. They've become—are they chatting online?
Oh, yes. And they were talking on the phone all the time and ran up quite the phone bill on both ends.
And so the biggest part, the biggest problem, is that they've crossed the boundary lines and they've had sex, correct? And that—had they not done that, and had they just maybe held hands or put their arms around each other and cried a little bit and been wonderfully supportive—there’d be no question. That would—it would be a wonderful relationship. You’d still have your good relationship with your son.
Well, I don’t know—
Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Allen will be back.

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And that—had they not done that, and had they just maybe held hands or put their arms around each other and cried a little bit and been wonderfully supportive—there’d be no question. That would—it would be a wonderful relationship. You’d still have your good relationship with your son.
Well, I don’t know even so much about the holding hands and everything. I mean, it wasn’t supposed to be a boyfriend-girlfriend. We had told them from the very beginning that they could be friends, that they could talk, but that, you know, she was—that they weren’t allowed to date because of her age. Period.
Okay. Still can have real powerful feelings. And what does your son do with those wonderfully powerful romantic feelings that she fulfills? She must see some good in him, and he must see some good in her. And that wonderful—
I’m assuming that. I’m assuming that she isn’t scatterbrained or she isn’t a mean person. And so this is really hard.
So I don’t know—they—I mean, they feed off of each other, and it’s not always positive energy. I mean, she tells him lies and everything.
Oh.
Well, then now you're in a different ballpark. Because if she had a wonder—see, I’m imagining her—I’m projecting onto her this wonderful, innocent, benevolent kid, this good kid, and they’re both kind of leaning on each other and they just took it—no.
I mean, the last thing was that she told him that she had an abortion. She was never pregnant even.
Okay. So then he needs to understand that character really, really, really matters. And I’m assuming he admired Dad tremendously?
Yes, he does.
You know, he’s not seeing that. He’s like, “I know she lies. I can tell when she’s lying.”
And—
Yeah, but it doesn’t seem to make a matter—a difference—to him that, you know, she’s being so, you know, manipulative and—
Okay. So it may be a power struggle between the two of you that keeps him more connected with her. Or—
No, you think?
I’m not real sure on that one. It’s a mixed bag. Let me tell you some things you can do, because unfortunately we’re on radio time. I wish we had a full hour. One of the things—if you can go back and remember some real endearing times that you guys had together—and remind him of them just in passing. You know, “I remember the time that we laughed so hard…” and just bring up some good memories of the two of you together. Even Dad can be there, because it could be some grief response. I mean, I’m sure you’re getting a lot of information on grief and going through the grief process. And you can even tell him, “You know, I wish we could rewind and have some good times too, good times with one another.” And just try to help him reconnect with your good relationship with one another. That’s what I would focus on at this point.
Okay.
She’s at the point where he’s, like, refusing to talk to me.
Let me take this during the break, because it sounds like there’s a lot more I’d like to say, but I don’t have the time right at this moment.

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Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

Here are some more tips for handling unreasonable resistance: Break unwritten codes by clearly naming what you see. For example, an irrational spouse might grab your favorite antique and threaten to smash it. He assumes you’re too afraid to name what he’s doing. In some situations, you may be able to defuse the anger by openly describing what you observe and your reaction to it: “I see you’re grabbing my grandmother’s vase. I’m feeling intimidated and afraid. Is that what you’re hoping I feel?” It can be disorienting to the irrational person when you name his method of attack. Such a person is counting on you focusing on your own fear and not shifting your focus to his method of intimidation.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it at Amazon.com