The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com

Would you like some cake?
"I'm not supposed to."
"Don't worry so much about not supposed to. Live a little."

And that's from the movie Chocolat—fabulous movie. And think about your own childhood. Were there times—did you have a mother or a father or maybe a grandmother—who just tried to put you in a straitjacket? It was like the straitjacket view of life. You couldn't breathe. You always had to watch: Am I sitting properly? Am I chewing properly? Am I eating properly?

Well, how do you parent? How do you not make the mistake of putting your kids in a straitjacket and not make the opposite mistake either of being hands-off, and "my kids can do whatever they want," and really being parents who are relatively indifferent to your kids—you just let them do whatever they want?

With me today is Cornelia Lockitch, and she has her master's in education, and she's been a Montessori teacher for 10 years. Her specialty is with preschoolers and toddlers. But listen up, because the principles that she talks about with preschoolers or toddlers, you can apply to older kids. And you will even be able to apply them to maybe your spouse and other people in your life. So how do you end up enjoying parenting—that’s our topic—rather than regretting that you ever had kids. And welcome, Cornelia.

Hi, Ellen. Thank you so much for having me.

Oh, thank you for being on the show. And talk a little bit about the Montessori method—that's your training.

Yes, it is Montessori. I often describe the method as "an aid to life." Now, Dr. Montessori identified that within every child is the adult that he is going to become. And so childhood is that time period when the new adult is being created. So our goal as teachers and as parents is to help the unfolding of that process to the utmost—or in Montessori language, we say—to help the child reach his fullest potential.

So what that means is we want him to discover his strongest values, his favorite subjects, that he can make good choices, and that we're there to encourage him where he feels weakest and just generally help him to be the best that he can be.

I wish I had a Montessori education.

Because it builds confidence, because they're learning how to make their own choices, it sounds like. And you're not telling them what they should do, what they should value in life—whether it’s “You have to go to soccer. I love soccer. I was in soccer. You have to go to soccer.” You know, to your kid, it’s more, “Well, what do you enjoy?” You introduce them to multiple different hobbies, and then you let them choose.

And that is how Dr. Montessori designed her multi-age classrooms, where there are specially designed materials that essentially guide the children in the basic areas of study—so language development, math, and geography, music, sensorial education, etc. And the children have freedom of choice and freedom of movement within the classroom to choose from their repertoire of activities that they've been shown.

And they learn amazingly quickly. I just remember with my own kids—they went to a Montessori school—that they learned to read at a young age. And then my son had to break away from the Montessori school, and one of his new teachers in preschool—because he had gone to Montessori school, very young preschool—said, “Oh no, you never should have taught him to read ‘til his wizards—‘til some teeth came in, certain teeth.” And she was teaching him all about fairies and fairy tales. And it's like, no, these kids can learn amazingly well.

You are now a parenting coach. And you have a website—that’s where you have three simple child management secrets that Montessori teachers know. You're a Montessori teacher. And no parent should be without. And your website’s www.guideyourchild.com. What one or two ways, Cornelia, that you benefited from the Montessori method with your own child, with your own daughter?

You know, in many ways it surprised me when I was a new mom how much my Montessori background guided me. And even when my daughter was an infant, I felt like the discoveries that I had and the understanding I had from Montessori guided me in understanding her better.

For example, Dr. Montessori identified sensitive periods in a child’s life. These are times when a child focuses on a certain skill almost to the exclusion of all others. So when, for example, my child started to wake up seven times a night because she discovered how to stand up in her crib, it became easier to understand—not less tiring to deal with, of course—but reasonable and, well, almost reasonable and even admirable, because you can see the determination in her and just the drive to grow and improve and expand her sphere of influence in her life.

Rather than saying, “I can't believe she's up again. She's driving me crazy. I don't know why I ever had kids, and I need to discipline her, and I need to yell at her or spank her—she's being bad,” right? Instead, if you see it as—this is your fresh vision of parenting—you see it as she's learning to stand, and she's practicing, and she's so energized—look at her. And it's still, as you say, it’s very tiring. So hopefully you and your hubby will take turns going in.

Oh yeah, you always need help.

So tell me, why can't you just go by gut feelings as a parent?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back.

Romance... oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Ah, here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance—a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm... The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

Tell me, why can't you just go by gut feelings as a parent?

Well, going by gut feelings really leaves you, in a way, without anything up your sleeve to help you in those times of frustration and to help you read your child. Those young kids, before they're verbal especially, can be very hard to understand, and it's full of misinterpretation that I think gets parents into conflicts that are otherwise avoidable, right?

I've heard parents say to me, "You know, my toddler is just like my ex—awful." And you just—how can your toddler be just like your ex? They're developing their own mind. They don't even know about horseback riding or other values in life, and you're saying that they're a bad person just like your ex. So we project onto kids, you know—“My son's turning out just like my father was,” right? They're—what?—they’re one? One year old?

Yes, exactly. Or, “He never listens to me when he brings things in the house from outside to show me that he’s not supposed to bring in.” So instead of “He never listens to me,” which just leads to a reaction, instead I guide parents to stop, observe, take a little time to think about and assess: What is he really doing? Is he just—is he collecting things for some reason? Is he showing you something special he found outside? What's going on?

So it's tuning into your child much more. Listen, we’re down to the last minute.

Parenting is a learned skill. And when you have the wrong teacher, you learn the wrong methods. But Cornelia Lockitch is a wonderful teacher, and you are also a parenting coach. And people can reach you by going to your website, www.guideyourchild.com, and you have a free special report that you offer people with wonderful tips in it. And you also have a newsletter, right?

Yes, I do. It comes out every two weeks, and it's a great way to find out more about my Guide Your Child parenting method.

Right. So whether you’re a grandparent dealing with the little ones or a parent and you want some more skills, definitely go to www.guideyourchild.com. Listen, thank you so much for joining us today.

Thank you, Ellen.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad. Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

If you must criticize, avoid understating or overstating. Consider Marcy saying to her husband, Doug, “The past three days, you told me you’d be home for dinner at six, and I planned for dinner at that time. When you came home at 7:30 again, I felt angry. I wish you had called me. I waited around when I could have gone to the gym.” Doug might then say, “I’m very sorry I didn’t call. I really welcome your meals after my hectic days. I’ll make sure from now on to notify you as soon as I know my schedule has changed.”

Had Marcy told Doug that he was always late, he would have immediately recalled times he came home on time or early, and he would have dismissed her complaint. He then might have attacked her with times she was late. They would have failed to communicate effectively.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com