The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com

Annie, you have a question about child rearing?

Yes, I do.

Yeah, it concerns bonding?

Yes. I have a child whom I did not have the opportunity to bring up during the years that he was two to five, and later on, he told me that he had found out that people bond between the ages of two to four, and that therefore my parent, who was the person who brought him up during that period, was the person who would take preference over me, and eventually, which is, right now, he's ultimately decided that he doesn't want to have anything more to do with me. By the way, the time that I was away, I was charged with manslaughter, with the shooting death of my husband, and I was in a prison for three years.

Oh my gosh.

I know. It was, it was unbelievably horrible. But anyway, I was given a pardon, and I was released. I had two older children who didn’t have this problem because they were three or four years older than he, yeah, but they didn’t have this particular problem because the first boy did— I mean, the third boy didn’t know his father at all, and so he has resented me, and it's been a growing reason.

How old is he now?

He is... oh, he’s now... he’s old. He’s late 30s.

Okay, so now he’s saying to you—he’s reflecting back on his childhood, on this awful period in your life—and he's saying that the reason that he doesn't connect with you is because you weren’t there in his formative years, the developmental years, the most important years?

He hasn't learned exactly that way. But his point is that he bonded with my mother, whom he was with during the time he was from two to five, and so he thought, you know, bonding was between two and four, if you read that in psych—

Or something, right?

Right. And there are bonding studies, and you look at animals, and you see imprinting, you know, you see little dogs following a mother duck and the rest. But there’s a little difference with human beings. Have you ever met anybody later in life that you really connected with?

Has he ever? No—have you?

Have I? Yeah. Oh yes. I have remarried. And so he had been brought up, yeah, ostensibly, you know, by me—of course, by the two of us. Yeah. And he had a wonderful—you know, he went everywhere. He went to Europe, he went to Bermuda, he went to the Caribbean. He was everywhere. So he’s had all of the, you know, the fine things. We were never at a loss for money, yeah. But it seems as though he seems to be devoid of emotion, and he’s just sort of gravitated to his grandmother, and he just prefers, sort of—

Wait a minute. He’s not devoid of emotion. He’s devoid of emotion?

Well, I mean, his brothers feel that he sort of just doesn’t have emotion. He seems to be a great lacuna in his education—I mean, or in his emotionality.

Okay, so, you know, yeah, you’re saying he does have emotions, but not towards you?

Yeah, but I don’t—it’s not quite as much as one of the—especially one of the other boys. And he just—my question, really is, is this going to be forever, or is he ever—will he ever come out of this? Or should I just write him off and never try to make any kind of—

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. Very quick, and then Annie will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

Is this going to be forever, or is he ever—will he ever come out of this? Or should I just write him off and never try to make any kind of a—

You can’t force mind. People have free will, which means that he evaluates you, he evaluates Grandma, he evaluates the other adults and other people in his life. He looks back on his childhood and draws some conclusions. And if you were an incredible— I don’t know how you were coming out of prison—how were you towards him?

Oh, I treated him exactly as I treated the other two. In fact, he got more tangible kinds of things because he was the younger—the youngest of the three.

Did you feel guilty at all? And maybe—

Yeah. And I thought I would have to give him a lot because of that. Of course, the others got the same, but he, because he was the youngest, was around the longest. You know?

We actually need him here to answer that question. So your basic question—I disagree with the answer to your basic question. I disagree with—meaning I don’t think that there is—with human beings, yes, the person that you’re closest with growing up, you can value that person tremendously. If it was your mother, then that’s the person. But at the age of five, if you came on the scene and connected with him, well, he would have two wonderful people to bond with. If there were complications, and even if you tried your best, if he had drawn some conclusions about you—if he was embarrassed about you—"Mom is in jail." Well, "Where’s your mommy?" "We’re going to Thanksgiving with our mommy." "My mom’s in jail." I know—he could have been mortified. He could have been just totally embarrassed. He didn’t know how to deal with that, and kids might have teased him or taunted him. I mean, there may have been a lot that went on that contributed to him emotionally not knowing where to package you in his mind, you know, how to evaluate you.

I had never given that a consideration. That may very well have happened to him.

Also, if he goes to the movies and sees James Bond flicks or any mystery movies or sees whodunits, and he sees murder mysteries and sees people in jail—he gets another opinion about you without knowing you. Now I’m assuming you were pardoned—why? What happened with your husband?

Well, I killed him. No question about it.

How did you kill him?

We were in an argument, and it was an accident. I mean, I have no recollection of, really, the details. But the man was doing very poorly in the service. He was a commander in the Navy, but he had a lot of personality problems and—

What caused you to kill him? I mean, what did he do to you?

Oh, well, he was abusive. I mean, he was—and he would just lead me on and get me very—

Was he physically abusive?

Both. He would break things. I mean, he would tear telephones out of walls, and he would break all the windows.

Oh my gosh. So everyone was traumatized, and you—you killed him. How did you kill him?

I shot him.

Okay. Okay.

You know, it sounds very, very horrible, but, I mean, that’s how it happened.

So if your son knows this—that Daddy was shot by Mommy—and you know, who knows what type of explaining he had to do as a kid, and he may have emotionally just pulled away from you, and then he doesn’t know how to tell you all of—he may not want to go into the details with you. So he just tells you the bonding. He may have read that in a book and just feels he connected with Grandma. But it could be that he prefers Grandma as his mom.

Oh, I’m sure. I think he really does, yeah. And I know that. Right? She was very wonderful to him, you know, and she treated him—treated the best of three.

We're right at the end of time. What I recommend is—he’s going to make his own choices. Connect with the kids, your two children, that do connect—bonds with you, that do connect with you—and leave it. It’s his choice. If he ever chooses to connect a little more, then that’s up to him.

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Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

How we communicate can sabotage our relationships. Here are a few examples of ineffective communication techniques:

Threats: “If you don’t apologize now, I’m packing my bags and leaving,” or, “If we don’t have sex soon, I’m going to find someone else.”

Global Language: “You never listen to me,” or, “You always manage to be late.”

Predicting an unhappy future: “You’ll never make anything of yourself.”

Lecturing: “You should call your mother more often. I know she wasn’t a good mother, but she needs you now and it’s wrong to ignore her needs. You should put your own issues aside and be more caring.”

Catastrophizing: “I saw you smile at that sales clerk. You don’t love me anymore.”

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.